Momma's Boy Premiere

by Lauren Gitlin December 17, 2008
Winter Pilot Season: Momma’s Boys

One of the bimbettes is named Michelle, and she looks like the tranny version of Jayne Mansfield. Aka totally smokin' hot! She is a professional-style newscaster, which we can tell by her smooth, sensual voice. "And there will be showers in Spokane" never sounded so good. She intimates that she doesn't do the whole cooking and cleaning thing because that is what maids are for. That's what I've been telling my cat for years! Earn your keep, Bitsy!

I am really disturbed right now because we come to the third and final mother-son couple, who reside in Michigan and have a pet ferret. I am an animal lover, but gross! Those things are not pets! Not. Pets. Figures that this is the duo with the awful racist mom. See, a little known fact: racists love ferrets. They hate black people and Jews and Asians but are inexplicably drawn to members of the weasel family. Aaaaaanyway. Back to racist mom. She's introducing her son JoJo (problem number uno), saying he's a "mumma's boy." Apparently racists talk funny. Now we get a tour of all of JoJo's pictures decorating the wall as Racist Mom waxes on about how amazing his body is. Everything that is happening on the screen right now is making me want to defenestrate myself, in case you were curious. She literally literally kisses a picture of him outfitted in hockey gear. Racists are into incest. Sweet! I'm learning so much about the world. Thanks Ryan Seacrest! Now comes the part of the tape we saw before where Racist goes off about all the minorities that are not good enough for her son to date. Juuuust gonna go punch myself in the face a few times, hang on. And I'm back. Now she's telling us that she has plenty of black friends. Classic! She must have been reading that book, How to Come Off as A Total Idiot Bitch on National Television before she came on this show. It was written by Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Racist continues that she doesn't want a girl from a "broken" family or someone who wears a lot of make up or talks too much or is a gold digger. Good luck with that, Satan! We go to commercial with RyRy's voice telling us more of what's in store: how to impress a dude and how to impress a mom and Satan getting called out for being the Devil by a few brave souls. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Back at Ho Manor, BizarroCheno has a meltdown because the heel of one of her shoes breaks. Misty tells her she needs to chill the eff out, to which BizarroCheno replies by yipping like a Chihuahua and crying a few Bizarro tears while yelling at Misty to stop being mean. Good comeback! I should try that next time a ho tries to step to me. We get a TH from some person named Vita whom we've yet to meet saying that this shoe incident is just the beginning and there's about to be some serious drama up in here. God help me.

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