Momma's Boy Premiere

by Lauren Gitlin December 17, 2008
Winter Pilot Season: Momma’s Boys

Back from break, the dudes are shaking hands as the ho's come a-runnin'. Nikki THs that she thinks Michael is foxy. Ditto Carina. Sounds like my loser boyfriend is an early favorite. Rob gets spirited away for a cocktail while another group of girls descends on JoJo (spawn of Satan) and starts asking him about his mom. He says that he has only ever brought one girl home to meet his family and he's still single. What he failed to mention is that his mom is Hitler. Meanwhile, Lil Megan watches from the sidelines and starts cleaning stuff. She THs that she's overwhelmed and nervous. Awwww!

Out on the lawn, the Penthouse Pet and Michael are making googly eyes at each other as she dances around the fact that she shows her ladyparts for a living. Rob is telling another cluster of "ladies" about how he's traditional but open to anything. Lynette cops to liking Rob the best. She totally gets all goofy about it too!

Then we see Cara ,aka BizzaroCheno, bounding up to where Michael is to interrupt his conversation with the "broadcast journalist" (aka weather lady). Michael THs that Cara is super high energy and upbeat (aka annoying as all get out). They flirt awkwardly as my soul dies a thousand deaths quietly. Back at the bitch corral, some of the girls ask how her session with Michael went, and she announces that she thinks she could totally fall in love with him. Jailbird's sitting in the back and delivers her second sound byte of the episode (the first being "bitch, are you crazy?") with a sarcastic "Are you kidding me?" No, Donna, sadly she's not. The dudes retire to their condo and RyRy sees us off to commercial with YET ANOTHER promise of arrival of the moms and the imminent bitchfight. I'll believe it when I see it.

Back at Ho Manor, Nikki announces that she's hedging her bets and making a play for all three of the guys equally. Is she a closet game theorist? Inside, Misty discovers three baskets in the living room corresponding to each of the moms, each containing videos in which the moms introduce themselves via their audition tapes. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Everyone thinks Michael's mom is cute and Rob's is super adorable and then they get to Satan's (real name: Khalood, or Mrs B. if you're nasty -- apparently she is from Michigan by way of Iraq but you wouldn't know it by the Up North accent) and everyone flips the Christ out. There is crying. There is yelling. Uproar, etc. Vita is especially livid because she says she's a critical care nurse in the military and she risks her life protecting Khalood's people so she can sit around and trash black girls. Yeah, we established that she is a terrible human being. OHHHH! Again with Donna's amazing "bitch, are you crazy?" TH. They should totally rename this show Bitch Are You Crazy? It has such an elegant, euphonic ring to it. Mindy says she's gonna pray for Satan, and Callie THs that she can't believe her ears, choking back tears. Dudes, just relax and do what I do: put hemlock in her Sanka! Misty says she knew it was bad when she saw BizarroCheno reacting in shock, because even the dumbest people realize how ignorant Satan is. A+ for logic, Misty! Then she reveals that she's out to win JoJo's love just to spite Satan. That is some hot shit, I have to say. It's no arsenic in the crumpets, but what it lacks in virulence it makes up for in subtlety.

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