Elsewhere, Vita is devising a plan to approach Satan calmly and try to reason with her about her beliefs. FYI, Vita is the one whom we see in the previews throwing a plastic martini glass at Satan's head, so I'm assuming that her plan goes awry somewhere, but clearly her intentions are good at first. Cara adds in her two cents, TH-ing that she's glad for the controversy because it's shifted the focus off her as the token object of hate in the house. How altruistic of you!
After the break, we see that Lorraine is the first to arrive. The girls fawn and flutter as she admits that it's refreshing to be around so many girls because she's constantly surrounded by men. Uh huh. She gives her party line that she's hoping she and the girls can work together as a team to find someone right for Michael. Have any of these people seen a reality show before? There's no "crazydrunkhobitchslapfights" in "team."
Next up is Yenta, who gets similar treatment. Bonus for accepting a huge barrel of wine the first ten minutes she's in the house. You know she gets crunk down in Boca! Cute closet drunk mom! Loves it!
And of course finally, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. Satan has arrived. As she approaches the house, she THs that the reason she's so protective of JoJo is that because basically (I'm paraphrasing) he's Jesus incarnate. She says he's a catch about twelve thousand times which only makes me hate her more. Use a thesaurus for god's sake.
When she walks into the kitchen, all the girls give each other sideways glances but are effusive in welcoming her at first. A few of the black girls are especially set on killing her with kindness. This bitch does NOT know what she's in for. Maisha THs that the plan was that the girls were going act as though they hadn't seen her tape and feel her out (read: let her dig her own grave). At this point, Satan calls a few girls together and decides to take them out on the lanai to interrogate them. Maisha THs that she realized she was there merely for show, as when Satan asks what school she goes to and Maisha replies that she just got her masters, she doesn't even bat an eye. She's only there to find out about Brittany. Little does Satan know that Brittany has some dirty Jew blood in her! As soon as Brittany reveals she has Jewish grandparents, Satan oh so subtly excuses herself to meet more Aryan girls.
Unfortunately, some of the girls have other plans for her. Vita and Lynette and Maisha circle around her and discuss their achievements, to which Satan deadpans "So, do you girls play basketball?" Everybody: Bitch, are you crazy? Satan asks Vita what her parents think of "the whole black/white relationship" and that's when Vita reveals that they all saw her video. Oh snap! I thought the plan was to lay the bait! Vita, you ruined everything! She tells Satan that she owes everyone an apology, which Satan doesn't take kindly to. I'm not going to recap verbatim what is said because it's starting to make me feel like I'm hemorrhaging from my brain, but serious shit goes down. Swear words and finger wagging and plastic martini glass throwing. You get it. AHHHHH. Headaches! And thus with another of those fancy text cues reading "to be continued" we are free of the first ep of Ryan Seacrest's shit show bonanza salad, heretofore to be called Bitch Are You Crazy.