MONDO EXTRAS

I'm just going to start off by saying that I'm very confused. What is the premise of this show, exactly? I'm not entirely sure. How did this awful show get made? I have no idea. I can tell you with the utmost certainty that after watching the entire first episode of 13: Fear is Real that I can see why Sam Raimi didn't do any press for it. And that after enduring this thing I promise both you and Angel that I will never, ever bitch about the time I had to recap two hours of Crusoe again.

We start with a Jigsaw-y voiceover explaining that the voice man has invited 13 people to "one of the most haunted areas on earth" in the "Louisiana Bayou." He does not explain why this place is so haunted or even provide the specific name of it, because as you'll soon see it's basically just some public park in L.A. they've dressed as a haunted forest with an oversized Fisher Price playhouse in it decorated with Halloween knick-knacks from Michael's to be a haunted Evil Dead cabin in the fake Louisiana Bayou.

Cut to a prison transport-looking bus with our 13 contestants on it. Jigsaw explains that his guests are going to be playing a game for him, but that they don't know he'll be watching them. We see some monitors in a room, with views of the cabin they'll be staying in on the screens. And I can't tell you enough how much these people definitely do know that he will be watching them.

Back to the bus, wheels goin' round and round. Jigsaw says the only thing these kids know is that he's going to drop them off deep in the woods, where he will make them face their fears. They will be systematically "killed off" and the last person left standing will be rewarded a devilish $66,666. Oh, and that the fear they'll be experiencing is real!!! Credits time.

First off, the way I can tell all these people are aspiring actors is 1) they look like aspiring actors, and 2) a couple of them have fucked up spellings of their names that you know they just made up the day they got to Burbank. Our first generic blonde girl is "Melyssa." Then there's Rodney. He has brown hair and looks so stereotypically L.A. actor guy I thought I knew him at first. And then I realized he's just so stereotypical that he actually looked familiar. Then Laura. She too has brown hair. Now Cody. He is very punk rock and has a giant Mohawk he carefully anchors with a blue bandana wrapped around his head. Erica, who is very pretty, with giant gold earrings I can really get on board with. Adam, who is blonde and wearing an Abercrombie button down, reminds me of Dick from Veronica Mars. Kelly, also blonde and actressy. Ted, handsome guy with mile high, product-laden hair. Stefinie, who has an ice cream cone. Nasser, also handsome guy. He does not have a prop, unfortunately. Lauren, the blondest, juggiest, actressy-iest blonde actress of the bunch. She has a cell phone and mucho volume in her hairdo. Ryan, headphone enthusiast. Leah, normal-looking and our sole cred actress (I'll explain later).

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