13: Fear Is Real Premiere

by Mindy Monez January 8, 2009
Winter Pilot Season: 13: Fear Is Real Jigsaw says the rest of them have to split up into pairs, and one person from each pair has to be sent "down the road," where "My helpers, minions, I call them, will take over from there." OK -- HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA "MINIONS I CALL THEM?!" This show sucks, but that line was to die.

Leah interviews that she can't believe this. She doesn't do well in the dark, or with monsters or the woods. Hey lady, they're minions, not monsters. That's offensive. And, alright, I know I'm gonna get some heat for being arguably needlessly bitchy about this, but Leah has the biggest herpes sore on her bottom lip I have ever seen in my entire life, and it's insanely glaring for the entire episode and I just can't not talk about it, especially when she's trying to manipulate me into believing she's actually scared of this fake show, which is an even worse offense against us all than my making fun of her herpes sore. So really she owes me. Anyway, I won't mention it again, I promise.

So the pairs are: Eric and Ted; Ryan and Melyssa; Adam and Laura; Rodney and Leah; Nasser and Stefinie; Kelly and Lauren. If you care. I don't. Kelly and Lauren are very proud to be an all-girl team in this terrifying situation. The down-the-roaders of the pairs head off. Down the road.

Back in the cabin, it's Laura's turn to pretend to be terrified. I can tell because she's shrilling, "I'M TOOOOTALLY TERRIFIED, HOW COULD I NOT BE TERRIFIED?!" while hugging Stefinie. Her performance is very high-pitched, I'll give her that, but it in no way matches Leah's earlier performance, or the shit she does to come.

Jigsaw calls and tells everyone but Cody to set off down the road too. So they do, each randomly saying, "I'm so scared!" every few seconds as the camera crew with work lights and likely several PAs and a director follows them.

Cut. To. Leah being tied to a chair using mental patient restraints by the minions and screaming like a stuck pig. I can't even describe the sound she's making, but it's insanely convincing, despite the terrible production value of this and how totally unscary everything but the sound of her screaming is. She is really selling it. I sincerely do hope she gets that part in The Descent 5.

The down-the-roaders part deux come upon a mannequin tied to a chair in the same fashion Leah was, with a NOTE! AND IT SAYS STUFF ON IT! pinned to its shirt and a tape recorder. The note says "Play me," so they do and Jigsaw says they each have to take one of the camcorders in the mannequin's lap (oh yeah... there were camcorders too. Do people still say camcorder? They don't, do they?), and go find their partners in the woods. They've all been tied up like Leah too, but she was the only one they showed, probably because she totally screamed the best. The last pair to return to the mannequin will "lose the ritual" and "face a terrible fate."

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