MONDO EXTRAS

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards

Pamie: Shakira? What?
Stee: She's here because Miami is Latina. Muy Caliente. Does that mean Buster Poindexter's gonna be here?
Pamie: With any luck, Gloria Estefan will be gracing us.
Stee: Shakira doesn't do Tejano music, which is like oompahs. Shakira does more whore-y Brazilian music.
Couch Baron: So like Selena Aguilera.
Stee: Yes.
Couch Baron: What was on Shakira's dress?
Stee: Hoobastank.
Pamie: She got a Yellowcard.
Stee: She got a Hoobastank on her Yellowcard.
Pamie: And so now she's gotta Jet.
Stee: To the cleaners. So basically rock is now so ghettoized that like, they have to do a medley of three bands. That's really sad to me.
Pamie: Now are they faking this?
Stee: No, they're performing. They have musical talent, unlike Usher, who just breaks mirrors.
Pamie: He breaks sexy mirrors, Stee.

Jet sings their stupid song. Hoobastank sings their stupid song, terribly. The lead singer holds the mic out to the audience more than he does to himself because he knows his voice is shot, or just bad.

Couch Baron: Jet is like an Australian matchbox twenty.
Stee: Matchbox thirty-two with the exchange rate.
Pamie: So here's Hoobastank. Wow. How is this band not Sugar Ray?
Stee: I was gonna say because the lead singer can sing, but he's having problems. Ugh.
Pamie: This is awesome!
Stee: Oh, my God!
Pamie: This isn't going well.
Stee: They really need Pro Tools to sound good.
Pamie: I can't even remember the band, but there was one song that came out a while ago about life, it was like this.
Stee: Wow, this is not good.
Pamie: Hoobastank's stanky.
Stee: Good choice, having the audience sing your high notes. He's really not a perfect person.
Pamie: And the reason is?
Stee: Cigarettes.
Couch Baron: And polyps.

Yellowcard sings their terrible song. Then Sway, smuggling a small child under his head, talks to P. Diddy, who is sitting with Ma$e. We love anything with a dollar sign in its name. Like Vega$. And The $treet. Commercials.

Pamie: Okay, so this is Yellowcard.
Stee: Who looks exactly like Alan Cumming.

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Comments

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: We've been calling Jay-Z a crackbaby face for years.
Stee: He is a crackbaby face. Him and Sam Cassell.
Pamie: He's a bit of a mouth-breather. That just got me shot.
Stee: Look how Lil Jon has a little version of the goblet he always carries. It's like the travel version of his goblet.
Pamie: It's a collapsible goblet.
Stee: From REI.

For some reason, they drag Shakira out. Maybe Charo was unavailable. Shakira lies that when she heard that three of the world's best rock bands would be playing, she had to be there. No, her publicist begged MTV for three months to let her announce something until they finally relented. From Florida, Yellowcard; from California, Hoobastank; and from Australia, Jet. All three bands will be playing a medley. That's so sad for rock and roll. Usher gets ten minutes to play, and each band will get thirty seconds. Long live rock and roll!

Pamie: Shakira? What?
Stee: She's here because Miami is Latina. Muy Caliente. Does that mean Buster Poindexter's gonna be here?
Pamie: With any luck, Gloria Estefan will be gracing us.
Stee: Shakira doesn't do Tejano music, which is like oompahs. Shakira does more whore-y Brazilian music.
Couch Baron: So like Selena Aguilera.
Stee: Yes.
Couch Baron: What was on Shakira's dress?
Stee: Hoobastank.
Pamie: She got a Yellowcard.
Stee: She got a Hoobastank on her Yellowcard.
Pamie: And so now she's gotta Jet.
Stee: To the cleaners. So basically rock is now so ghettoized that like, they have to do a medley of three bands. That's really sad to me.
Pamie: Now are they faking this?
Stee: No, they're performing. They have musical talent, unlike Usher, who just breaks mirrors.
Pamie: He breaks sexy mirrors, Stee.

Jet sings their stupid song. Hoobastank sings their stupid song, terribly. The lead singer holds the mic out to the audience more than he does to himself because he knows his voice is shot, or just bad.

Couch Baron: Jet is like an Australian matchbox twenty.
Stee: Matchbox thirty-two with the exchange rate.
Pamie: So here's Hoobastank. Wow. How is this band not Sugar Ray?

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