MONDO EXTRAS

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Couch Baron: You said "Cumming."
Pamie: Hee!
Couch Baron: Aren't those mics adjustable? Why is he stretching to reach it?
Pamie: Punk rock doesn't adjust. Don't you know anything?
Stee: Please welcome guest recapper Sara M!
Pamie: Hello, Sara M!
Sara M: Am I parked all right?
Pamie: You could have parked a little less in the street, but that's all right.
Couch Baron: Uppity.
Pamie: Sara M is here, the pizza is ordered, Djb is on his way, and...
Stee: ...and Sway is in the house!
Couch Baron: Ma$e and Puffy are going Ying Yang on their suits.
Pamie: What's with everybody in a Mohawk?
Stee: Doesn't P. Diddy have a show in Broadway tonight? He's doing A Raisin in the Sun. It hurts me to say that. Is that Living Colour? Oh, no, that's Black Eyed Peas.
Pamie: Ugh. A celebration of shit.
Stee: The MTV Video Music Awards: A Celebration of Shit.
Pamie: Haaangh!
Stee: Haaangh! Okay. VMAs. Only six more half-hours to go. Haaangh!
Pamie: Haaangh!
Couch Baron: This is sort of like a marathon, right. So like, which half-hour is the worst? Where do you hit the wall?
Pamie: You hit the wall on Good Charlotte. Always.
Stee: Pam, you should open up some wine.
Pamie: Oh, yeah. Who wants some?
Couch Baron: Me.
Stee: Me.
Sara M: Hell yeah.

So now an awkward segment with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show set. He makes posse jokes before the deafening silence. He's going to be occasionally "coming in" to cover the Viewer's Choice Award. He tells us to vote after an incredibly awkward bit. Yikes. Stick to Comedy Central, Stewart.

Stee: It's not that people don't like Jon Stewart, it's that people who like the VMAs don't like Jon Stewart.
Pamie: It's because Jon Stewart gives you no opportunity to "woo."

Next is Omarion and Eva Mendes. They're introducing Best Female Video. Omarion says he's going to sing each entry. He sings a little of "Toxic" (Britney Spears). This guy really has a terrible voice. He got served. No matter what this cat does, the crowd freaks. He sings "If I Ain't Got You" (Alicia Keys), his Predator hair flapping. Next is "The Voice Within" (Christina Aguilera), who is dressed like Betty Boop, if Betty Boop were a whore. Next is "Naughty Girl" (Beyoncé). He lifts his shirt a little bit after singing it terribly. Jessica Simpson is next. Omarion says, "I'm going to leave that one to Jessica because, you know, she got that." He laughs. "Okay," says Eva Mendes. Beyoncé wins. Jay-Z, who has never so much as kissed Beyoncé, smiles as she slowly makes her way up there. She thanks the director and Usher and her mom and her other stylists and then her fans. Ooh, she forgot God. God is going to be mad, after pilling strings for her to win and all. They she makes a very tender nod to her "boyfriend." "What up, Jay," she says.

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Comments

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Stee: I was gonna say because the lead singer can sing, but he's having problems. Ugh.
Pamie: This is awesome!
Stee: Oh, my God!
Pamie: This isn't going well.
Stee: They really need Pro Tools to sound good.
Pamie: I can't even remember the band, but there was one song that came out a while ago about life, it was like this.
Stee: Wow, this is not good.
Pamie: Hoobastank's stanky.
Stee: Good choice, having the audience sing your high notes. He's really not a perfect person.
Pamie: And the reason is?
Stee: Cigarettes.
Couch Baron: And polyps.

Yellowcard sings their terrible song. Then Sway, smuggling a small child under his head, talks to P. Diddy, who is sitting with Ma$e. We love anything with a dollar sign in its name. Like Vega$. And The $treet. Commercials.

Pamie: Okay, so this is Yellowcard.
Stee: Who looks exactly like Alan Cumming.
Couch Baron: You said "Cumming."
Pamie: Hee!
Couch Baron: Aren't those mics adjustable? Why is he stretching to reach it?
Pamie: Punk rock doesn't adjust. Don't you know anything?
Stee: Please welcome guest recapper Sara M!
Pamie: Hello, Sara M!
Sara M: Am I parked all right?
Pamie: You could have parked a little less in the street, but that's all right.
Couch Baron: Uppity.
Pamie: Sara M is here, the pizza is ordered, Djb is on his way, and...
Stee: ...and Sway is in the house!
Couch Baron: Ma$e and Puffy are going Ying Yang on their suits.
Pamie: What's with everybody in a Mohawk?
Stee: Doesn't P. Diddy have a show in Broadway tonight? He's doing A Raisin in the Sun. It hurts me to say that. Is that Living Colour? Oh, no, that's Black Eyed Peas.
Pamie: Ugh. A celebration of shit.
Stee: The MTV Video Music Awards: A Celebration of Shit.
Pamie: Haaangh!
Stee: Haaangh! Okay. VMAs. Only six more half-hours to go. Haaangh!
Pamie: Haaangh!
Couch Baron: This is sort of like a marathon, right. So like, which half-hour is the worst? Where do you hit the wall?

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