Stee: Jay-Z gets shot in this video.
Couch Baron: Is that problem number one?
Couch Baron: Oh, there it is. We found out how to spell "Kanye," Pam, but we're not telling you.
Couch Baron: W-E-S-T.
Sara M: Man, this was so pre-planned.
Stee: They all knew.
Pamie: Would have screwed Vegas odds. This is like the VMAs were won by a high school that got to then put on the VMAs. And they didn't have enough money to build a whole set, and it'd be really funny if they announced who won with cards.
Stee: Okay, Ludacris and Lil Jon: you did not win. Usssah won.
Pamie: Are the Ying Yang Twins on?
Stee: Ha! Look at this MTV guy making them put the signs back up. "No! No, no, no! Put it back up!" Ussah's left eye fell.
Pamie: He winked.
Stee: Missy and Ludacris would be a great couple if she was straight.
Pamie: I hate Lil Jon so much.
Stee: "Dynamic trio"?
Djb: I'm gonna talk for the first time when I recognize someone in pop culture. Is Steely Dan playing tonight?
Stee: The Doors are playing later.
Couch Baron: I'm waiting for the Notorious BIG to get another nomination.
Stee: Hey, remember Tevin Campbell?
Sara M: Tevin Campbell was awesome.
Stee: He spelled his name T-period, E-period, V-period, I-period, N-period. Man, this place has more open seats than the gymnastics competition at the Olympics.
Pamie: There's Farnsworth Bentley!
Djb: Would you shut up? He is on the phone.
Couch Baron: He's the phone in Usher's song.
Stee: He's using my grandmother's actual phone, with a cord.
Sara M: He's the only one they gave a chair to.
Pamie: He brought his own chair, Sara. Nobody cares about Farnsworth Bentley.
Djb: Shh! He is on the phone!
Stee: What's the difference between him and Jerome from The Time?
Couch Baron: Is Carson Daly the A-list compared to Gideon Yago around here?
Stee: No. Gideon Yago would fuck the shit out of Carson Daly. [silence]
Stee: Uh. I mean...uh, not, not, uh...
Couch Baron: This is what Miami's all about.
Stee: Why didn't Hoobastank get a medley? They should get a medley where they're doing like, Juice Newton halfway through. And Quarterflash.
Djb: [entering] Hello! Is this tape on? Verisimilitude, refrigeration.
Sara M: Making her look up words?
Couch Baron: Let the congressional filibusters begin.
Pamie: Do you want beer or wine?
Sara M: I like your pants.
Couch Baron: Are those the ones you bought in Toronto?
Stee: All right. We're stopping to talk about Dan's pants.
Back. Xtina and Missy on the giant platform. It descends. Everything does. Xtina screams and giggles, "Whoa. This is crazy. Very fun, very fun." They're announcing Best Male Video. She says Usher burns up any stage he's on, and breaks any mirror he lip-synchs in front of. Missy says that Jay-Z is a true rap "alcon." Xtina says she's known Justin Timberlake for a long time. Missy says Kanye can do it all. Xtina says that Prince is "reigning" all over again.
Stee: Okay, and we're back. Dan's getting a tour of the house. Christina and Missy!
Sara M: They're really testing the strength of that platform by putting Missy Elliot up there.
Stee: Oh, my God. Jesus, Sara.
Couch Baron: "Yo. I want Honey Daniels!"
Stee: Man, y'all, that was a reference to the film Honey starring Jessica Alba and the kid from Big. For y'all that don't know. That's how we do.
The nominees. "99 Problems" (Jay-Z). "Yeah" (Usher f/ Lil Jon & Ludacris). "All Falls Down" (Kanye West f/ Syleena Johnson). "Senorita" (Justin Timberlake). "Prince" (Musicology). Xtina says that there's no envelope so they're doing it differently. They count to three and in an above shot, the front group of audience members turn cards and hold them over their heads; it's a photo of Usher. He won. Wow. MTV pulling out old Rose Bowl techniques. Cutting-edge. Usher thanks Lil Jon and his family who "holds [him] down." Uh, are you sure that's what you mean? Usher thanks people and people and people and record companies and people. "Yeah," he says, over and over. He says he'll take his time so relax. He starts thanking cities. There is a shot of Farnsworth Bentley talking on a corded phone. Hee. Lil Jon grabs the mic but the music plays him off.