MONDO EXTRAS

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Couch Baron: Not in the ass?
Stee: Uh...

Carson Daly limps out and introduces the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara Bush, and also Vanessa and Alexandra Kerry. Political catfight! The drunks vs. the sluts! Oh, no. The Bushes are via satellite. There is polite applause as the Kerry girls come out. They're lit very poorly and some random boos are shouted down. Jesus Christ. The citizens of Florida are a bunch of dicks. The Kerry girls try to talk about the importance of voting. More boos and cheers. Then the Bush girls. Yikes. They want people to vote, too. I don't really think the Bush girls actually want young people to vote. Then the Kerry girls ask people to donate to the Red Cross for the hurricanes. But not for the hurricanes, storms don't need any money. They're giving money for the victims. One of the Kerry girls takes out a mic with her elbow and it goes dead as they walk off.

Carson babbles, and then introduces Lenny Kravitz and Naomi Campbell. Doesn't she beat people up? Lenny has a hat on his giant head. He yells, "MIA!" Wow, a shout-out to those missing in action from wars. Nice. He says he lives in Miami. Good for him. They introduce the nominees for Best R&B Video. "Me, Myself, and I" (Beyoncé). "Burn" (Usher). "Step in the Name of Love" (R. Kelly). "Talk About Our Love" (Brandy f/ Kanye West). "If I Ain't Got You" (Alicia Keys). Alicia Keys wins. She doesn't get out of her seat for a while, confused. Us too. Alicia thanks God. Finally. God was getting pissed. She thanks everyone in a struggle trying to make it, and then says, "Rest in peace, Slim." Eminem is dead?! Fuck. Or maybe she was putting one of them fatwahs on him. Commercials.

Stee: It's the Kerry kids.
Sara M: Wow, you can tell they're Kerry's kids?
Pamie: Yeah, unfortunately.
Stee: Hey, Vanessa?
Stee and Djb: Why the long face?
Pamie: "I am eight foot nine."
Djb: "I am not drawn to scale."
Stee: I've never seen the Bush girls up close before. They are ugly.
Djb: Where's the pizza?
Stee: Carson Daly's hairpiece looks awesome.
Couch Baron: Yeah.
Djb: It's really an extension of his head. It's not hair at all.
Stee: It really works, though.
Pamie: He looks like a Ken doll.
Stee: Without the talent. Who is that guy on the left? Is that Pink?
Pamie: Lenny Kravitz.

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Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards

Stee: Jay-Z gets shot in this video.
Couch Baron: Is that problem number one?
Stee: 99.
Couch Baron: Oh, there it is. We found out how to spell "Kanye," Pam, but we're not telling you.
Pamie: K-A-Y-N-E?
Couch Baron: W-E-S-T.
Stee: Haaangh!
Sara M: Man, this was so pre-planned.
Stee: They all knew.
Pamie: Would have screwed Vegas odds. This is like the VMAs were won by a high school that got to then put on the VMAs. And they didn't have enough money to build a whole set, and it'd be really funny if they announced who won with cards.
Stee: Okay, Ludacris and Lil Jon: you did not win. Usssah won.
Pamie: Are the Ying Yang Twins on?
Stee: NO!
Pamie: Man.
Stee: Ha! Look at this MTV guy making them put the signs back up. "No! No, no, no! Put it back up!" Ussah's left eye fell.
Pamie: He winked.
Stee: Missy and Ludacris would be a great couple if she was straight.
Pamie: I hate Lil Jon so much.
Stee: "Dynamic trio"?
Djb: I'm gonna talk for the first time when I recognize someone in pop culture. Is Steely Dan playing tonight?
Stee: The Doors are playing later.
Couch Baron: I'm waiting for the Notorious BIG to get another nomination.
Stee: Hey, remember Tevin Campbell?
Sara M: Tevin Campbell was awesome.
Stee: He spelled his name T-period, E-period, V-period, I-period, N-period. Man, this place has more open seats than the gymnastics competition at the Olympics.
Pamie: There's Farnsworth Bentley!
Djb: Would you shut up? He is on the phone.
Couch Baron: He's the phone in Usher's song.
Stee: He's using my grandmother's actual phone, with a cord.
Sara M: He's the only one they gave a chair to.
Pamie: He brought his own chair, Sara. Nobody cares about Farnsworth Bentley.
Djb: Shh! He is on the phone!
Stee: What's the difference between him and Jerome from The Time?
Couch Baron: Is Carson Daly the A-list compared to Gideon Yago around here?
Stee: No. Gideon Yago would fuck the shit out of Carson Daly.

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