Stee: Pink. I really want to kick the shit out of the drummer from Jet.
Djb: Seriously. What was the category?
Pamie: Best Annoying Song.
Couch Baron: Will Bruce Willis go up to accept the award?
Pamie: Best Song on The O.C.
Djb: It's nice to see what happened to The Village People.
Stee: Shut up, drummer.
Pamie: His dad died, Stee.
Stee: It doesn't mean he has to dress like a fucking shithead. My dad died, I'm wearing jeans.
Djb: Jesus, Stee.
Stee: LaLa is gonna get raped by all of Fat Joe's posse and Good Charlotte needs to get their asses kicked.
Pamie: Don't recap angry, Stee.
Stee: He has a fucking 'tard face. Fuck you, Lillard. I'm mad at everybody.
Sara M: Todd! Todd! Todd's on television.
Stee: Fuck Todd's commercial. We've already seen it.
Sara M: I haven't. I want to see it.
Stee: Fine. Here. Look. Todd.
Sara M: Yeah!
Back. The Olsen Twins are next. Neither of them got dressed this morning. Mary-Kate blows a kiss to the audience. That's not the only blow she's been doing lately. She thanks people for being supportive. Ashley introduces Jessica Simpson. She's hanging in the air on a weird little hanging seat. She's singing "With You." Which is funny, because Nick is nowhere to be seen, as usual. All the little FanGirls they plant near the front sing along. Jessica sings the song in a weird accent and melismas all over the place as the song comes to a sad little decrescendo. Then she goes into some slow song that people seem to know and they wave cell phones like lighters. The song has something to do with angels. Of course it does.
Stee: Olsen Twin Alert! Woop! Woop! Everyone get crunk! Come on, What-WHAT! Olsen Twins -- Haaangh! Recap that mothafucka.
Stee: Recap that, mothafucka!
Couch Baron: Collateral. Colostomy.
Sara M: Chimichanga.
Stee: Shannyn Sossamon.
Stee: Sossamon. Sossamon. Sossamon. Bouffant.
Sara M: God, I hate Asslee.
Couch Baron: Do you think Jessica Simpson learned her songs like Ace of Base did, just phonetically, not understanding the words?
Couch Baron: Bruce Willis is not a rap star.
Pamie: I miss when he sang the Bartles and Jaymes theme song.
Stee: What? Good luck finding a link for that.
Couch Baron: No, it was Seagrams.
Pamie: That's right. "It's wet and it's dry!"
Pamie and Djb: "My, my, my, my, my!"
Pamie: Ha. Dan and I were home on the same Friday nights.
Djb: And then we went to watch Sara M be born.
Pamie: I remember that.
Djb: Great day.
Gwen Stefani and Owen Wilson come out. Boy. This is going to be good. What a dream pairing. People pretend to be excited as Gwen starts talking about the Best Rock Video Award. Owen says that the Supreme Court decides in the event of a tie. What? Is that a joke? He goes on to say something about Clarence Thomas liking Michael Bolton. Owen Wilson is going to wake up tomorrow to find a boot on his car. People are going apeshit and we have to believe the Ying Yang twins are doing something funny just off-camera because this can't be for Owen Wilson. The nominees. "The Reason" (Hoobastank). "My Immortal" (Evanescence). "Are You Going To Be My Girl" (Jet). "Breaking The Habit" (Linkin Park). "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" (The Darkness). The winner is Jet. The drummer, looking very drunk and very Spinal Tap stands up and makes out with this girlfriend before they all come up on stage. The drunk drummer dedicates the award to his dead dad. Oh. That makes us feel bad. La La talks to Fat Joe back stage. Lillard babbles, lisping all over the place and lying that people were yelling his name when he made his entrance. Commercials.
Couch Baron: Wait. Did they successfully surgically remove Owen Wilson from Ben Stiller's side?
Stee: No, they surgically removed his fist from his ass.
Djb: Right now, 35,000 feet above this house, people are watching him on a movie screen. I guarantee it.
Stee: The Hoobastank guy looks even more Asian when he's singing.
Sara M: Well, of course.
Stee: "Of course"?
Stee: God. When is Linkin Park going to be done?
Djb: I know every one one of these, you guys! What category is this?
Sara M: Songs Djb knows.