MONDO EXTRAS

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Djb: Your Ace of Base joke just trumped my Was (Not Was) joke.
Stee: Ha! Now Pam has to look up where the parentheses go.
Pamie: I know where they go, fuckers.
Djb: I don't.
Stee: Yeah, you do. Look on your fan club card in your wallet.
Pamie: He's a Was-y.
Stee: Was he?
Couch Baron: Didn't they bill this originally as Nick and Jessica, but as usual there's not a single shot of Nick.
Stee: He was sitting behind Beyoncé's hair. Nick's brother's doing Rent.
Couch Baron: Nick's doing Charmed next year.
Stee: Pam's gotta look that one up too. Everwood.
Pamie: Stop making me look up links!
Stee: You're the one who never watched Buffy.
Djb: Because you were busy watching Lost (2001), Bachelorettes in Alaska?
Couch Baron: Awesome.
Djb: On their way to the Bands on the Run meeting?
Pamie: Stop it! Quit!
Stee: Hey, remember Chains of Love?
Pamie: Stop! No!
Djb: I hope they bring back Angel.
Sara M: Firefly!
Pamie: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, I can't hear anything on this tape but me singing! LA LA LA LA LA!
Couch Baron: You know what city is not at all close to Miami? Push, Nevada.
Stee: Oh. Oh, my God.
Pamie: You guys are mean. A pox on your recaps.
Stee: Hey, remember when we used to recap sitcoms? Like Friends.
Djb: Recaplets.
Couch Baron: Oh, yeah!
Pamie: We don't even have those on the site anymore, I'm sure. Here's where in the recap it goes "Open brackets, 'Yes we do.' Dash, Wing Chun. Closed brackets." ["No, we don't. And dammit, if you're going to link to shows, don't forget the italics! I hate all your drunk, pizza-sodden asses!" -- Wing Chun]
Sara M: Did they really give all those people lighters to hold up while Jessica is singing?
Pamie: No, they're cell phones.

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Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Stee: You're right. Everybody's wearing pink. Pink is the new...
Pamie: Pink.
Stee: Pink. I really want to kick the shit out of the drummer from Jet.
Djb: Seriously. What was the category?
Pamie: Best Annoying Song.
Couch Baron: Will Bruce Willis go up to accept the award?
Pamie: Best Song on The O.C.
Djb: It's nice to see what happened to The Village People.
Stee: Shut up, drummer.
Pamie: His dad died, Stee.
Stee: It doesn't mean he has to dress like a fucking shithead. My dad died, I'm wearing jeans.
Djb: Jesus, Stee.
Stee: LaLa is gonna get raped by all of Fat Joe's posse and Good Charlotte needs to get their asses kicked.
Pamie: Don't recap angry, Stee.
Stee: He has a fucking 'tard face. Fuck you, Lillard. I'm mad at everybody.
Sara M: Todd! Todd! Todd's on television.
Stee: Fuck Todd's commercial. We've already seen it.
Sara M: I haven't. I want to see it.
Stee: Fine. Here. Look. Todd.
Sara M: Yeah!

Back. The Olsen Twins are next. Neither of them got dressed this morning. Mary-Kate blows a kiss to the audience. That's not the only blow she's been doing lately. She thanks people for being supportive. Ashley introduces Jessica Simpson. She's hanging in the air on a weird little hanging seat. She's singing "With You." Which is funny, because Nick is nowhere to be seen, as usual. All the little FanGirls they plant near the front sing along. Jessica sings the song in a weird accent and melismas all over the place as the song comes to a sad little decrescendo. Then she goes into some slow song that people seem to know and they wave cell phones like lighters. The song has something to do with angels. Of course it does.

Stee: Olsen Twin Alert! Woop! Woop! Everyone get crunk! Come on, What-WHAT! Olsen Twins -- Haaangh! Recap that mothafucka.
Pamie: Dammit!
Stee: Recap that, mothafucka!
Pamie: Asshole.
Couch Baron: Collateral. Colostomy.
Sara M: Chimichanga.
Pamie: Thanks.
Stee: Shannyn Sossamon.
Pamie: Stop.
Stee: Sossamon. Sossamon. Sossamon. Bouffant.
Sara M: God, I hate Asslee.

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