Djb: She just sent me something.
Pamie: What if she has to send a gift to each of us for recapping the awards?
Djb: Oh, God. What if she does do that?
Couch Baron: It'd be awesome. ["I edited it! It's long!" -- Wing Chun] Why isn't Tony Hawk skateboarding up there to accept his award?
Stee: Because he has arthritis.
Pamie: He just called his dad fat.
Djb: Fat dad must be so proud.
Pamie: "He's dead, all right?!"
Stee: We're going for sob dad stories.
Djb: Oh, who's going to win this one?
Couch Baron: My dad's just an asshole.
Sara M: My dad's British.
Pamie: You win.
Oh no. Back to Jon Stewart. He says that the phones are ringing off the hook for the Viewer's Choice Awards. It's between Xtina, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park, Yellowcard, and Simple Plan. Then Al Sharpton's big head comes on the screen making a joke about how blacks invented rock and, uh, the bit goes on. He then jokes that he already voted for Xtina. And that's it. Hm. We would tell you who currently is winning, but we can't tell the difference between Yellowcard and Simple Plan. Or Xtina for that matter. Ma$e talks a little before we go to commercials.
The announcer announces Queen Latifah, without announcing Jimmy Fallon, who is also out there. Jimmy asks "Gary" if he's not going to announce his name. He and the announcer do a bit about Jimmy stealing Gary's girlfriend. They do a "tongue ride" joke. Gary says, "From the upcoming movie Taxi, she's a beautiful Nubian queen, and he's a complete turd." Eh. The bit goes on. Jimmy laughs at his own jokes, Gary says. Latifah goes along with the bit. Jimmy calls him "Captain Fart." Hm. Maybe Fallon shouldn't have left SNL after all. Best Rap Video. "All Falls Down" (Kanye West f/ Syleena Johnson). "Holidae Inn" (Chingy f/ Ludacris and Snoop Dogg). (With all the songs he's on, Luda should just change his name to f/ Ludacris. It would save some time.) "Shake Ya Tailfeather" (Nelly, P. Diddy, Murphy Lee). "Hey Ya" (Outkast). "Hey Mama" (Black Eyed Peas). What happened to "99 Problems" or D12? Suddenly, Gary announces that he's given the envelope to the lead singer of The Flaming Lips. Wha? Sure enough, he comes out in a giant hamster wheel, riding over the crowd. He gets on stage and shows the envelope. It's Outkast. Outkast shakes hands with everyone on their way up, including Bruce Willis, trying hard to out-young Ashton. They thank lots of people. Not God, again. God is getting shut the fuck out, man. Bruce Willis again. Ha. He's so confused.
Sara M: Did they really give all those people lighters to hold up while Jessica is singing?
Pamie: No, they're cell phones.
Sara M: Oh, that's disgusting.
Pamie: This is a Motorola moment, y'all.
Stee: Oh. Oh, my God. This is terrible.
Djb: What is that sound?
Pamie: My cell phone. It makes the television go weird.
Djb: It saw the other cell phones and got jealous.
Stee: I'm really ashamed of this, as a human. Is this a song?
Sara M: It's a Robbie Williams song that she stole.
Stee: She went too far with her nose job. It's too small.
Couch Baron: Average number of words in her songs that she doesn't know the meanings of?
Sara M: Thousand.
Djb: Ten billion billion.
D12 and two of the fuckheads from Good Charlotte come out. The Good Charlotte tools say that if D12 and Good Charlotte got together it would be the greatest music. We don't want to insinuate anything here, but both of them lisp and wear their sad girl make-up as they babble pointlessly about videogame music, which is what they're introducing. It's Best Video Game Soundtrack. Madden NFL 2004 (Electronic Arts). Tony Hawk's Underground (Activision). True Crime, Streets of L.A. (Activision). Need For Speed Underground (Electronic Arts). SSX 3 (Electronic Arts). Wow. That's like giving an award for best mix tape. The D12 guys says, "The award for whatever, goes to..." It's Tony Hawk's Underground. No kidding. Tony Hawk comes out. The kids follow the cue cards and chant "Tony. Tony. Tony." Bam is there and he plugs some bullshit before they all leave the stage.
Stee: Is that Blu Cantrell?
Pamie: She does a song with Robbie Williams. No, that's D12.
Stee: I thought they said Blu Cantrell. Haaangh! Oh, man. D12 should kick the shit out of Good Charlotte. They're fucking idiots.
Couch Baron: These guys are fags.
Stee: Couch Baron called y'all fags!
Sara M: Best Videogame Soundtrack? What?
Pamie: Tony Hawk has to win.
Stee: Tony Hawk.
Djb: I'm going with Pole Position's "Prepare to Qualify." Boop! Boop! Boop! Boooooooop!
Stee: I'm going for Gauntlet's "Red Elf Is About To Die!"
Pamie: Why don't we own the new SSX?