Stee: Okay, Jon Stewart is grinding the show to a halt. Wow. Wow. Hey, look! They filmed Nelly, and focused in on his Band-Aid-less face, so we know.
Sara M: Ma$e wrote a book about how he hates the hip-hop world and dropped out of it. And he hates the name Ma$e.
Stee: Clearly doesn't hate it that much.
Pamie: Ugh. Jimmy Fallon.
Couch Baron: "Tongue ride" is as racy as it gets on the VMAs. Man, you can hear the crickets out there.
Pamie: They weren't playing a Flaming Lips song for the Flaming Lips guy.
Stee: That's actually what Queen Latifah called her ex-girlfriend. [SILENCE]
Stee: What? What, why are you looking at me like that, everyone? What? HAANGH? What-WHAT? Miami! Woo! Haaangh. Woop, Miami, haaangh!
Couch Baron: Nobody's looking at you, Stee.
Stee: Usher's mom is fat.
Pamie: "This might be the pizza talking!"
Stee: Sara just shook her head at me for saying Usher's mom is fat.
Pamie: Well, she should.
Stee: You guys were making fun of my dead dad.
Pamie: No, only you have done that.
Djb: Uh, let the record show Couch Baron got a line in or two.
Stee: Am I wrong, or was Big Boi never in the video? Haaangh. Hey, Dan. How would you approach the MTV people if Bruce Willis wanted to be on the VMAs?
Djb: Do you honestly think it's Bruce Willis asking to be on them?
Stee: Yeah. Because he was recently photographed in a gay German nightclub and he wants to be hip again.
Couch Baron: I would think the gay German nightclub would make him hip.
Sara M: When did hats come back in style?
Djb: Finish the word, man. It's an adverb, but it's still a word.
Stee: Lolly, lolly, lolly. Getcho' adverbs here!
Djb: It's a Mad Libs triz-ip to the VMAs.
Stee: "Hey, I'm just a bizzill. Yeah, I'm only a bizzill." "'Cause a noun is a person, place, or mothafucka!"
Ludacris and Xzibit. Ludacris stumbles over words as they introduce Xtina and Nelly. Xtina sings, "Dirty Blues" or something sitting on a piano, dressed all flappery. Pretending to play the piano is Nelly. The tempo picks up as 1920s-dressed dancers flapper around and Nelly's not even bothering trying to play around with the period (that's what he told his girlfriend the other night!) and the song goes on. And on. Jay-Z sitting. Farnsworth stands. The song ends. They talk about the coming up stuff. Nelly congratulates himself and plugs TiVo. Commercials.
Stee: Because it's on my wish list and nobody bought it for me.
Pamie: C-Cubed [Nickname of Patron Saint of TWoP], where are you?
Djb: She just sent me something.
Pamie: What if she has to send a gift to each of us for recapping the awards?
Djb: Oh, God. What if she does do that?
Couch Baron: It'd be awesome. ["I edited it! It's long!" -- Wing Chun] Why isn't Tony Hawk skateboarding up there to accept his award?
Stee: Because he has arthritis.
Pamie: He just called his dad fat.
Djb: Fat dad must be so proud.
Pamie: "He's dead, all right?!"
Stee: We're going for sob dad stories.
Djb: Oh, who's going to win this one?
Couch Baron: My dad's just an asshole.
Sara M: My dad's British.
Pamie: You win.
Oh no. Back to Jon Stewart. He says that the phones are ringing off the hook for the Viewer's Choice Awards. It's between Xtina, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park, Yellowcard, and Simple Plan. Then Al Sharpton's big head comes on the screen making a joke about how blacks invented rock and, uh, the bit goes on. He then jokes that he already voted for Xtina. And that's it. Hm. We would tell you who currently is winning, but we can't tell the difference between Yellowcard and Simple Plan. Or Xtina for that matter. Ma$e talks a little before we go to commercials.
The announcer announces Queen Latifah, without announcing Jimmy Fallon, who is also out there. Jimmy asks "Gary" if he's not going to announce his name. He and the announcer do a bit about Jimmy stealing Gary's girlfriend. They do a "tongue ride" joke. Gary says, "From the upcoming movie Taxi, she's a beautiful Nubian queen, and he's a complete turd." Eh. The bit goes on. Jimmy laughs at his own jokes, Gary says. Latifah goes along with the bit. Jimmy calls him "Captain Fart." Hm. Maybe Fallon shouldn't have left SNL after all. Best Rap Video. "All Falls Down" (Kanye West f/ Syleena Johnson). "Holidae Inn" (Chingy f/ Ludacris and Snoop Dogg). (With all the songs he's on, Luda should just change his name to f/ Ludacris. It would save some time.) "Shake Ya Tailfeather" (Nelly, P. Diddy, Murphy Lee). "Hey Ya" (Outkast). "Hey Mama" (Black Eyed Peas). What happened to "99 Problems" or D12? Suddenly, Gary announces that he's given the envelope to the lead singer of The Flaming Lips. Wha? Sure enough, he comes out in a giant hamster wheel, riding over the crowd. He gets on stage and shows the envelope. It's Outkast. Outkast shakes hands with everyone on their way up, including Bruce Willis, trying hard to out-young Ashton. They thank lots of people. Not God, again. God is getting shut the fuck out, man. Bruce Willis again. Ha. He's so confused.