Couch Baron: Christina Aguilera could star in a whore version of The Sound of Music.
Stee: She could star in a whore version of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hey, is that MC Scat Cat on the left?
Djb: Take two steps back!
Stee: All Nelly's songs sound so different. He's so diverse. He's like Howard Johnson.
Pamie: Heeeeee. Howard Jones.
Stee: Whatever. Yeah, that guy. But I mean their French toast tastes a lot like their pancakes.
Pamie: She does put the "Ho" in HoJo.
Stee: She does. Hey, he's grabbing his dick at her ass.
Sara M: He's jacking off on her.
Couch Baron: Is there a hole in her dress?
Stee: It's not the only hole. It's not the only gaping hole on that woman.
Couch Baron: Has he dry-humped every female in every video?
Stee: Between him and Ja Rule.
Djb: I just want to ask all of these people. Like, "All right. What is your job up here on the stage? What are you doing that nobody else can do?"
Stee: Hey, she just grabbed his dick!
Pamie: Are they...did....Why...wha...
Sara M: If this were actually the '20s, all the black people would have to tapdance in the back.
Stee: Wow. Now I'm shaking my head at you.
Sara M: What?
Stee: All I said was Usher's mom was fat.
Djb: My dad was black before he died!
Pamie: This is the first recap to be banned from the site.
Stee: Hey, if Cambodian Baby Dildo made it...
Couch Baron: You open the link and all you hear is BEEEEEEP!
Stee: Sara was in junior high when our Cambodian Baby Dildo recap came out. "Dear Diary. I wish one day I could meet Pamie and Stee. Once I graduate the eighth grade."
Djb: She put it in her hope chest.
Stee: She had Net Nanny so should had to read our recaps at a friend's house.
P. Diddy and Ma$e dressed in opposing black and white suits. I don't know why everyone keeps aligning themselves with Miami, but P. Diddy says he's officially a resident of Miami Beach. Uh, okay. ["Only if Miami Beach is in the Hamptons, which, is it? I'm Canadian." -- Wing Chun] Then Ma$e busts in with "Welcome back!" and laughing. P. Diddy says that everyone in the audience are his people. He goes on to say that people need to vote or die. Ma$e wants the youth to vote and make history. Again he yells, "Welcome back!" Hee. Bruce Willis is standing up, applauding, pretending he knows who Ma$e is. P. Diddy says something about how Miami fiestas are the best and then a whole bunch of girls are dancing and P. Diddy and Ma$e do like ten seconds of a song and Ma$e laughs and P. Diddy is trying to tell everyone to vote as Ma$e again yells "Welcome back!" Hee. This is what you'd call having too many agendas. (Turns out Welcome Back is the name of Ma$e's new album.) They intro Best Dance Video. "Hey Mama" (Black Eyed Peas). "I'm Really Hot" (Missy Elliott). "Naughty Girl" (Beyoncé). "Yeah" (Usher f/ Lil Jon & Ludacris). "Toxic" (Britney Spears). Puffy holds up a "Vote or Die" t-shirt and then announces that Usher has won. All those guys go up there again. They show various people in the audience and then Usher says you need to vote. He thanks God for giving him his feet. Hee. Usher thanks the fans and various people. He thanks Michael Jackson and Jackie Wilson and classic performers who give him inspiration to make hot videos. Then he talks a little shit about Justin Timberlake before leaving.
Stee: Okay, Jon Stewart is grinding the show to a halt. Wow. Wow. Hey, look! They filmed Nelly, and focused in on his Band-Aid-less face, so we know.
Sara M: Ma$e wrote a book about how he hates the hip-hop world and dropped out of it. And he hates the name Ma$e.
Stee: Clearly doesn't hate it that much.
Pamie: Ugh. Jimmy Fallon.
Couch Baron: "Tongue ride" is as racy as it gets on the VMAs. Man, you can hear the crickets out there.
Pamie: They weren't playing a Flaming Lips song for the Flaming Lips guy.
Stee: That's actually what Queen Latifah called her ex-girlfriend. [SILENCE]
Stee: What? What, why are you looking at me like that, everyone? What? HAANGH? What-WHAT? Miami! Woo! Haaangh. Woop, Miami, haaangh!
Couch Baron: Nobody's looking at you, Stee.
Stee: Usher's mom is fat.
Pamie: "This might be the pizza talking!"
Stee: Sara just shook her head at me for saying Usher's mom is fat.
Pamie: Well, she should.
Stee: You guys were making fun of my dead dad.
Pamie: No, only you have done that.
Djb: Uh, let the record show Couch Baron got a line in or two.
Stee: Am I wrong, or was Big Boi never in the video? Haaangh. Hey, Dan. How would you approach the MTV people if Bruce Willis wanted to be on the VMAs?
Djb: Do you honestly think it's Bruce Willis asking to be on them?
Stee: Yeah. Because he was recently photographed in a gay German nightclub and he wants to be hip again.
Couch Baron: I would think the gay German nightclub would make him hip.
Sara M: When did hats come back in style?
Djb: Finish the word, man. It's an adverb, but it's still a word.
Stee: Lolly, lolly, lolly. Getcho' adverbs here!
Djb: It's a Mad Libs triz-ip to the VMAs.
Stee: "Hey, I'm just a bizzill. Yeah, I'm only a bizzill." "'Cause a noun is a person, place, or mothafucka!"
Ludacris and Xzibit. Ludacris stumbles over words as they introduce Xtina and Nelly. Xtina sings, "Dirty Blues" or something sitting on a piano, dressed all flappery. Pretending to play the piano is Nelly. The tempo picks up as 1920s-dressed dancers flapper around and Nelly's not even bothering trying to play around with the period (that's what he told his girlfriend the other night!) and the song goes on. And on. Jay-Z sitting. Farnsworth stands. The song ends. They talk about the coming up stuff. Nelly congratulates himself and plugs TiVo. Commercials.