MONDO EXTRAS

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards

Stee: Is Farnsworth off the phone yet?
Pamie: He appears to be done with his call.
Couch Baron: Oh, Asslee.
Stee: We only have fifty minutes left!
Pamie: Jesus.
Stee: P Diddy is introducing Ma$e again.
Djb: It's important to vote because P. Diddy will kill you if you don't. Or is he Mr. T now?
Couch Baron: Apparently those Seagrams wine coolers make you do dumb things.
Stee: What the fuck is happening? I'm gonna burn my Black Eyed Peas CD next to my Cat Stevens CD. This Beyoncé song is the best song of the past year. I love this song. "Naughty Girl" is awesome.
Djb: I know these songs aren't from this year.
Stee: Everyone take a guess what Weird Al Yankovic's "Yeah" parody will be.
Sara M: Yankovic?
Pamie: I'll tell you later. Britney's been shut out.
Stee: She don't care. She's got Cheeto goo all over her these days. Bruce Willis just said "What's up?" to Lil Jon.
Pamie: "Who are you? Where am I? What year is this?"
Stee: "Where is Cybill Shepherd?"
Pamie: "Who am I?"
Sara M: I can't believe you called Usher's mom fat.
Stee: You are Usher's mom's biggest fan.
Sara M: I have her album.
Couch Baron: Sara heard Usher's mom reads TWoP.
Sara M: I just don't want her going out like that.
Stee: Ussah's making up names for friends. There's no Tamika. He's just shouting out black names now.
Djb: Oh, no.
Couch Baron: No!
Sara M: Stee!
Pamie: The views of Stee do not necessarily represent those of Television Without Pity nor its affiliates, or Yahoo Communications Group, or me.
Djb: He is just mentioning other black people now. Keep going for hours. "Ellen Cleghorne."
Stee: Kim Wayans.
Djb: Tootie, What UP!?!
Stee: The black lady from Night Court.
Sara M: Marsha Warfield!
Djb: Marshawarfield.com is getting crazy hits now!
Stee: "I got eleven hits today!"
Djb: Because everyone in this room checked it twice.
Couch Baron: "Props out to Nell Carter."
Pamie: This is the longest acceptance speech.
Sara M: I don't even know what he won anymore.

Up in the balcony are LL and some lady. LL plugs his album before he and the girl introduce Alicia Keys, saying she can "drop straight realities into amazingly beautiful melodies." Then LL compares her to Prince, Biggie, Beethoven, and Bach. Wha? Anyway, Alicia Keys does her piano thing and her R&B thing wearing monstrous sunglasses and weird hair. Then the lights come up on Stevie Wonder playing the piano and harmonica. Then they go into "Higher Ground" and Stevie sings as Alicia runs on stage and claps. Lenny Kravitz is also there playing the guitar, because somehow he has to be everywhere music is being butchered. The song ends and Sway yells that history was just made and everyone needs to get up and make some noise. No one does. Bam tells an enthralling story about seeing Outkast at a hotel. Commercials.

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Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards

Couch Baron: Christina Aguilera could star in a whore version of The Sound of Music.
Stee: She could star in a whore version of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hey, is that MC Scat Cat on the left?
Djb: Take two steps back!
Stee: All Nelly's songs sound so different. He's so diverse. He's like Howard Johnson.
Djb: Heh.
Pamie: Heeeeee. Howard Jones.
Stee: Whatever. Yeah, that guy. But I mean their French toast tastes a lot like their pancakes.
Pamie: She does put the "Ho" in HoJo.
Stee: She does. Hey, he's grabbing his dick at her ass.
Sara M: He's jacking off on her.
Couch Baron: Is there a hole in her dress?
Stee: It's not the only hole. It's not the only gaping hole on that woman.
Couch Baron: Has he dry-humped every female in every video?
Stee: Between him and Ja Rule.
Djb: I just want to ask all of these people. Like, "All right. What is your job up here on the stage? What are you doing that nobody else can do?"
Pamie: Did...she...was...
Stee: Hey, she just grabbed his dick!
Pamie: Are they...did....Why...wha...
Sara M: If this were actually the '20s, all the black people would have to tapdance in the back.
Stee: Wow. Now I'm shaking my head at you.
Sara M: What?
Stee: All I said was Usher's mom was fat.
Djb: My dad was black before he died!
Pamie: This is the first recap to be banned from the site.
Stee: Hey, if Cambodian Baby Dildo made it...
Couch Baron: You open the link and all you hear is BEEEEEEP!
Stee: Sara was in junior high when our Cambodian Baby Dildo recap came out. "Dear Diary. I wish one day I could meet Pamie and Stee. Once I graduate the eighth grade."
Djb: She put it in her hope chest.
Stee: She had Net Nanny so should had to read our recaps at a friend's house.

P. Diddy and Ma$e dressed in opposing black and white suits. I don't know why everyone keeps aligning themselves with Miami, but P. Diddy says he's officially a resident of Miami Beach. Uh, okay. ["Only if Miami Beach is in the Hamptons, which, is it? I'm Canadian." -- Wing Chun] Then Ma$e busts in with "Welcome back!" and laughing. P. Diddy says that everyone in the audience are his people. He goes on to say that people need to vote or die. Ma$e wants the youth to vote and make history. Again he yells, "Welcome back!" Hee. Bruce Willis is standing up, applauding, pretending he knows who Ma$e is. P. Diddy says something about how Miami fiestas are the best and then a whole bunch of girls are dancing and P. Diddy and Ma$e do like ten seconds of a song and Ma$e laughs and P. Diddy is trying to tell everyone to vote as Ma$e again yells "Welcome back!" Hee. This is what you'd call having too many agendas. (Turns out Welcome Back is the name of Ma$e's new album.) They intro Best Dance Video. "Hey Mama" (Black Eyed Peas). "I'm Really Hot" (Missy Elliott). "Naughty Girl" (Beyoncé). "Yeah" (Usher f/ Lil Jon & Ludacris). "Toxic" (Britney Spears). Puffy holds up a "Vote or Die" t-shirt and then announces that Usher has won. All those guys go up there again. They show various people in the audience and then Usher says you need to vote. He thanks God for giving him his feet. Hee. Usher thanks the fans and various people. He thanks Michael Jackson and Jackie Wilson and classic performers who give him inspiration to make hot videos. Then he talks a little shit about Justin Timberlake before leaving.

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