Pamie: Look at No Doubt going, "I wonder if we can still cover this song, too."
Djb: And Jamie Foxx is thinking, "And I'm going to play all y'all in a movie soon." He's going to do a Rich Little version of the VMAs.
Stee: The Alicia Keys Story.
Pamie: Jamie Foxx is the VMAs.
Stee: Is Lenny Kravitz now the black Dave Navarro?
Sara M: Is Dave Navarro the white Lenny Kravitz?
Stee: You've been defending Dave Navarro for years.
Djb: I would be inclined to back Pam up on that. Lenny Kravitz is the white Seal. Okay, I need some wine. Give me the wine.
Pamie: Miami does not care to watch this show anymore.
Djb: Wow. Couch Baron, you gave me a wine tureen. I'm gonna get so drunk.
Stee: "Hey, everybody! Usher's mama is so fat..."
Pamie: How fat is she?
Djb: "I don't understand these awards no more." "Dan, we're watching Six Feet Under now." "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Stee: "Hey, do you guys think Jeremy Sisto is fine?"
Djb: Can I tell you some forum gossip?
Couch Baron: Sure. Hold on. [BEEEEEEEEP!]
Stee: Okay, we're back and it's Paris Hilton and Nick Lachey. He doesn't care what blonde whore is on his arm.
Paris Hilton and Nick Lachey don't die on the lowered platform. It's nice that MTV continues to throw Nick bones. Paris and Nick make a terrible joke about their lawyers and their various reality shows and then they intro Best Group Video. "My Band" (D12). "This Love" (Maroon 5). "Hold On" (Good Charlotte). "It's My Life" (No Doubt). "The Reason" (Hoobastank). The winner is No Doubt. Gwen and the bassist are nowhere to be seen, so the other two go up there. Some girl cheers. The drummer thanks the audience for letting them make music "at this level." What level is that?
Ashlee Simpson and Tony Hawk come out. They do stupid patter and then people start skateboarding all around the set. Ashlee does some bullshit about how it's missing Tony Hawk himself skating. Tony drags his cortisone-ridden bones up there and skates as Ashlee tries to intro the nominees for Best New Artist. "Leave [Get Out]" (Jojo). "This Love" (Maroon 5). "Ocean Avenue" (Yellowcard). "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" (Jet). "I Believe In A Thing Called Love (The Darkness). "All Falls Down" (Kanye West f/ Syleena Johnson). Maroon 5 wins. Ha, they can't be here. Good. "You guys rock!" adds Ashlee, making us all feel very good for, indeed, rocking.
Up in the balcony are LL and some lady. LL plugs his album before he and the girl introduce Alicia Keys, saying she can "drop straight realities into amazingly beautiful melodies." Then LL compares her to Prince, Biggie, Beethoven, and Bach. Wha? Anyway, Alicia Keys does her piano thing and her R&B thing wearing monstrous sunglasses and weird hair. Then the lights come up on Stevie Wonder playing the piano and harmonica. Then they go into "Higher Ground" and Stevie sings as Alicia runs on stage and claps. Lenny Kravitz is also there playing the guitar, because somehow he has to be everywhere music is being butchered. The song ends and Sway yells that history was just made and everyone needs to get up and make some noise. No one does. Bam tells an enthralling story about seeing Outkast at a hotel. Commercials.
Sara M: Oh, my God. They just likened Marvin Gaye to Alicia Keys.
Couch Baron: Is her mom going to shoot her now?
Stee: Oh, man. Jesus. That's it.
Couch Baron: Hey! I stayed away from the dad thing, because you guys got all offended. I could have said, "Is her fat mother going to shoot her?"
Stee: I really am confused why Sara got so mad that I called Usher's mom fat.
Djb: Did Alicia Keys get a perm between her last award and this performance?
Sara M: She busted out the Ogilvie backstage.
Pamie: That spelling I think I'll have to look up.
Stee: I wish Alicia Keys could give me a home perm.
Pamie: I hope she pulls out a cell phone from her piano for the break.
Sara M: "Hello? No, I got to wash out my perm, hold on. Can you hear me now? I don't want any breakage."
Couch Baron: I don't understand. Is she still playing the piano when she's on the phone?
Pamie: It is the worst.
Sara M: And you think it's going to be over, and then it's not. She's like, "Hold on. Okay, I'm back."
Djb: "If I lose you, it's because I'm in the canyon."
Stee: "Wait. I got call waiting. Wait. Let me put on my headset."
Pamie: Oh, no.
Stee: Oh, Jesus. It's Stevie Wonder.
Sara M: How can he be there when he just died?
Stee: Hey. Hey, hey, HEY. No, Sara. Come on. Seriously.
Sara M: Oh, look. He's really there. He's not dead.
Stee: Let me tell you a bit about music.
Couch Baron: That's Ray Charles.