MONDO EXTRAS

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: Yeah.
Couch Baron: I saw that on a commercial.

Abruptly we're inside, and J.Lo is introduced as being from the movie Shall We Dance, which has been completely recut due to its terrible scores in test screenings, but they leave that part out. J.Lo is dressed like Stee's crazy Aunt Myrtle in a weird hat, but Aunt Myrtle is less pregnant and has less Hepatitis. She struts out onto a catwalk and yells, "What's up, Miami!" She calls Miami "steamy" and "sexy" and lies that tonight will be a night of "amazing music." No one applauds, so she laughs uncomfortably until they do. She introduces Usher.

Pamie: I didn't know J.Lo was hosting.
Stee: Why's she dressed like Freddy Krueger?
Couch Baron: She's always ho-sting.
Stee: She's the root of all of America's problems.
Couch Baron: You know what she's keeping it? Real.
Pamie: She is.
Couch Baron: She is from the hood.
Pamie: She's got flava.

Usher is on stage and it's raining on him. He's wearing a black wife beater and singing a completely atonal song that reminds us of the old jazz standard "One Note Samba." The light is shining right in the camera's eye as Usher lip-synchs his ass off and then he rips off his shirt because the fake rain feels so good. In the middle of the song he throws in "...the VMAs" as one of the lyrics. Really. That's a little pandering. Ooh, and now he's singing into a mirror. Very vain. Frustrated with the sound and the rain and the horrible song, Usher picks up the mic stand and hits the mirror, making a tiny hole.

J.Lo: Ultimate Showman.
Pamie: Showman!
Couch Baron: He'll show you! Man!
Stee: He needs a new nickname. That's not a very good one.
Couch Baron: He should go by Ush-ah. Like U-S-H-A-H. That'd be more real.
Stee: Spellingly correct.
Couch Baron: Is it raining in Miami?
Pamie: God's crying.
Stee: I guess some of the Siegfried and Roy scenic designers have a little free time to work on this? That's some good lip-synching, Ushah.
Couch Baron: Is this some kind of Baptism thingy? Because I don't feel very clean.
Stee: Now, I don't know a lot about music, but is this technically a "slow jam"?
Couch Baron: I'd like it to be a Def Jam. Go ahead and take my hearing.

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Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Couch Baron: It's the hottest city in the country, according to MTV.
Pamie: Yeah.
Couch Baron: I saw that on a commercial.

Abruptly we're inside, and J.Lo is introduced as being from the movie Shall We Dance, which has been completely recut due to its terrible scores in test screenings, but they leave that part out. J.Lo is dressed like Stee's crazy Aunt Myrtle in a weird hat, but Aunt Myrtle is less pregnant and has less Hepatitis. She struts out onto a catwalk and yells, "What's up, Miami!" She calls Miami "steamy" and "sexy" and lies that tonight will be a night of "amazing music." No one applauds, so she laughs uncomfortably until they do. She introduces Usher.

Pamie: I didn't know J.Lo was hosting.
Stee: Why's she dressed like Freddy Krueger?
Couch Baron: She's always ho-sting.
Stee: She's the root of all of America's problems.
Couch Baron: You know what she's keeping it? Real.
Pamie: She is.
Couch Baron: She is from the hood.
Pamie: She's got flava.

Usher is on stage and it's raining on him. He's wearing a black wife beater and singing a completely atonal song that reminds us of the old jazz standard "One Note Samba." The light is shining right in the camera's eye as Usher lip-synchs his ass off and then he rips off his shirt because the fake rain feels so good. In the middle of the song he throws in "...the VMAs" as one of the lyrics. Really. That's a little pandering. Ooh, and now he's singing into a mirror. Very vain. Frustrated with the sound and the rain and the horrible song, Usher picks up the mic stand and hits the mirror, making a tiny hole.

J.Lo: Ultimate Showman.
Pamie: Showman!
Couch Baron: He'll show you! Man!
Stee: He needs a new nickname. That's not a very good one.
Couch Baron: He should go by Ush-ah. Like U-S-H-A-H. That'd be more real.
Stee: Spellingly correct.
Couch Baron: Is it raining in Miami?
Pamie: God's crying.
Stee: I guess some of the Siegfried and Roy scenic designers have a little free time to work on this? That's some good lip-synching, Ushah.
Couch Baron: Is this some kind of Baptism thingy? Because I don't feel very clean.
Stee: Now, I don't know a lot about music, but is this technically a "slow jam"?

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