MONDO EXTRAS

Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards

The Beasties come out in green worksuits. Ad Rock yells into the mic, pointing to an anti-Bush button, before introducing the newest member of their group, Sasquatch. Yes. A giant Sasquatch comes out and then they announce the nominees for the MTV2 Award. "Ocean Avenue" (Yellowcard). "Take Me Out" (Franz Ferdinand). "Maps" (Yeah Yeah Yeahs). "Pon De River" (Elephant Man). "Slow Jamz" (Twista f/ Kanya West & Jamie Foxx). "Float On" (Modest Mouse). The winner is Yellowcard. The Beasties keep a straight face. One of the Black Eyes Peas guys mugs for the camera, all the money making the fact that they totally, calculatingly sold out their music on this new album not hurt so much. The Yellowcard Alan Cumming-looking guy is crazy flustered and thanks everyone in the world. He almost cries and then thanks every single Yellowcard fan on this planet.

Pamie: Oh, man. The Beastie Boys. I didn't know they were going to be here. They got all dressed up for nothing.
Stee: Hey, my cable's out. Can y'all do something about it, Beastie Boys?
Sara M: They're phoning this in. They're with the phone company.
Stee: Haaangh!
Pamie: Haaangh!
Stee: Haaangh! They got Sasquatch.
Couch Baron: This is probably a bad time to make another joke about Usher's mom.
Pamie: We've learned it's never a good time to make fun of Usher's mom if Sara's around.
Sara M: I can't believe it was Better Than Ezra, you were trying to remember. "Wuh-OW! It was good, livin' with you, Wuh-OW!" That song? That's their song.
Pamie: No, this was a song about getting older, and life. Maybe it wasn't Better Than Ezra. It was like, "These are the days of our lives. We'll remember."
Stee: I hope Yeah Yeah Yeahs win.
Pamie: It'd be great if M2 really did only play this kind of music. Hey, where's Busta? See? We're just missing all the fun.
Sara M: What?
Djb: What is wrong with you? Busta Rhymes?
Pamie: Yeah.
Stee: Or Coolio.
Pamie: Yeah. Ja Rule.
Djb: Where's Flavor Flav right now?
Pamie: Where's Tom Petty? Don't touch the Beastie Boys, you fifteen minutes of fame motherfuckers. Back off, Yellowcard.
Stee: Don't fucking spread mediocrity on our Beastie Boys.
Sara M: Their lead singer looks like Alan Cumming.
Couch Baron: You said "Cumming."

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Miami Lukewarm

by Pamie September 4, 2004
2004 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: I miss Dream, y'all.
Sara M: Me too.
Stee: They still owe Puffy a lot of recoupables.
Pamie: I don't like The Darkness.
Stee: I like this video, though.
Sara M: The video is amazing.
Couch Baron: So Asslee: dumber than Jessica Simpson, or smarter?
Stee: Smarter.
Djb: It's the brunette.
Pamie: Ha! Maroon 5 isn't there.
Stee: They couldn't be at the VMAs. Where they fuck did they have to be?
Pamie: They're too big for the VMAs now.

Jon Stewart. Still doesn't work. Commercials.

Stee: And the tumbleweed section of the VMAs begins again.
Pamie: I miss...I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Jim Carrey. 'Cause like, weird shit would happen. Or Guns N' Roses. Like, nothing's happening. There's no like, stuff in the audience, or audience. There's no host.
Stee: Guns N' Roses?
Pamie: You know what I mean. Nothing's happening. Nothing. I want like, craziness and unpredictability.
Djb: You want Soy Bomb.
Pamie: Yes! I want a Soy Bomb or...
Stee: She wants the Rage Against the Machine guy to climb on top of the rafters.
Pamie: Yes! This is stupid and boring and there's nothing to watch and it's so fucking dumb! I need a host! I need Chris Rock! I want Marilyn Manson! This is some stupid high-school bullshit.
Couch Baron: Pam, you know what they're keeping it? Real.
Pamie: Real fucking boring.
Sara M: Man! Lenny Kravitz is on a Gap ad! He's everywhere.
Pamie: How can Sarah Jessica Parker be so devoid of sexuality?
Stee: Why the long face?
Couch Baron: [Horse whinny]
Sara M: [Horse whinny]
Djb: I think she's pretty. ["Fired." -- Wing Chun]
Pamie: Everything says she should be pretty, but she has an ability to pull all sexuality out of the moment.
Sara M: She's not sexy and she's ugly!
Stee: She's like a sexy sponge.
Pamie: In bed, with Chris Noth: not a drop of sexy.
Couch Baron: That's why she was so unbelievable in that role. She's supposed to be like a sex writer, and she's the biggest prude.
Djb: Well, I think she's great. ["Could not be more fired." -- Wing Chun]

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