Stee: The Yellowcard guy is about to cry.
Couch Baron: "I wanna thank all those people Usher thanked!"
Stee: "I wanna thank the empty seats!"
Couch Baron: "I'd like to thank John Kerry's daughters!"
Pamie: I've already forgotten this band's name. Where's Marilyn Manson? Where's Chris Rock?
Marilyn Manson and Mandy Moore come out. Marilyn makes a "white D12" joke and then says that if the two of them had a love child, this is what they'd look like. It's the Polyphonic Spree, a band we don't quite understand. There are flowing ribbons and people dancing in robes and playing instruments. It's hard to know what to think. The lead singer flies up in the air and then makes all sorts of faces like he's totally on drugs. That's it. Then backstage someone is talking to Ashlee Simpson about Alicia Keys. Then Ashlee says she liked it when Bruce Willis danced. Maybe that's why he did it. To please her. Commercials.
Sara M: I think Marilyn Manson is coming, Pamie.
Pamie: Ooh! Look! I'm the only person in the world clapping for Marilyn Manson right now.
Stee: You're the only person in the world who knows who Marilyn Manson is.
Pamie: Is that Mary J. Blige with him?
Djb: Your tongue is so drunkenly purple.
Stee: Oh, my God. You really do have a purple tongue.
Pamie: Mandy Moore and Marilyn Manson. M-m-m-m-m. That's one wild night.
Stee: No. She loves God.
Sara M: I thought he was cooler than this.
Pamie: What is this Polyphonic Spree?
Sara M: Tripping Daisy. Someone died, and the rest of them made this.
Stee: Gospely rock kind of. Mandy Moore loves Jesus. Dude. She bought The Passion yesterday on DVD.
Pamie: This band...it's like a high school theatre group did --
Pamie: Yes, and then they were like, "You guys? Let's never stop making music together! Let's never break up!"
Djb: "I love you guys!"
Stee: "Let's do Pippin!"
Sara M: "I don't want to go to college."
Pamie: This is frightening.
Djb: With David Arquette on drums. What the fuck is going on?
Pamie: This is weird.
Stee: This is more chaotic than Usher's performance. I understood Lil Jon better than I do this shit.
Pamie: She had these rules on the show so she didn't have to take off her clothes.
Stee: Dan loves her.
Pamie: Always in a bra.
Djb: That's how I like my women.
Stee: Alicia Keys loves blind men.
Pamie: Ray Charles, Haaaangh!
Stee: Haaaangh! I wish the Ying Yang Twins were introducing Ray Charles instead.
Alicia Keys comes out. A-fucking-gain. We sure hope she sings again! Oh, no. She's paying tribute to Ray Charles. Talk. Talk. Laying foundation. Sensation. Blind. Boundaries. Shows us way. His gifts. The piano. Alicia Keys fake-laughs and then stumbles and calls it "Ethnictisity." "Thank you, Brother Ray," she says. Wow. She's calculating. And bad.
The Beasties come out in green worksuits. Ad Rock yells into the mic, pointing to an anti-Bush button, before introducing the newest member of their group, Sasquatch. Yes. A giant Sasquatch comes out and then they announce the nominees for the MTV2 Award. "Ocean Avenue" (Yellowcard). "Take Me Out" (Franz Ferdinand). "Maps" (Yeah Yeah Yeahs). "Pon De River" (Elephant Man). "Slow Jamz" (Twista f/ Kanya West & Jamie Foxx). "Float On" (Modest Mouse). The winner is Yellowcard. The Beasties keep a straight face. One of the Black Eyes Peas guys mugs for the camera, all the money making the fact that they totally, calculatingly sold out their music on this new album not hurt so much. The Yellowcard Alan Cumming-looking guy is crazy flustered and thanks everyone in the world. He almost cries and then thanks every single Yellowcard fan on this planet.
Pamie: Oh, man. The Beastie Boys. I didn't know they were going to be here. They got all dressed up for nothing.
Stee: Hey, my cable's out. Can y'all do something about it, Beastie Boys?
Sara M: They're phoning this in. They're with the phone company.
Stee: Haaangh! They got Sasquatch.
Couch Baron: This is probably a bad time to make another joke about Usher's mom.
Pamie: We've learned it's never a good time to make fun of Usher's mom if Sara's around.
Sara M: I can't believe it was Better Than Ezra, you were trying to remember. "Wuh-OW! It was good, livin' with you, Wuh-OW!" That song? That's their song.
Pamie: No, this was a song about getting older, and life. Maybe it wasn't Better Than Ezra. It was like, "These are the days of our lives. We'll remember."