Pamie: How can the Movie Awards have better production values than the Video Music Awards?
Djb: Wasn't that the one with the man in the box under the podium? Where we were horribly offended?
Pamie: Yeah, but at least that one had a sense of humor...or personality, or...I mean...aw, fuck it.
Djb: You're nostalgic for anything we're not watching now.
Pamie: Anything else.
Stee: They have a Theremin and a French horn. That's awesome.
Sara M: The lead singer is floating like Creed!
Pamie: Don't say "Creed" in the new house, Sara.
Stee: Hey, where's the bee girl? Is she coming out soon?
Pamie: Big finish, y'all.
Stee: That's it?
Djb: I think something bad happened.
Stee: Oh, yeah. That's a problem. Ugh. When will this end?
Couch Baron: Is Asslee proof that nose jobs should run in the family?
Stee: This is the sound of the VMAs. "Ugh."
Couch Baron: So is Asslee keeping her hair on 7th Heaven?
Sara M: Dude, she's off the show! Because her album went platinum.
Pamie: Such a great beginning of a sentence, and then it ends sad.
Sara M: I know.
Pamie: Ashlee Simpson.
Stee: She was on what show?
Sara M: My show.
Stee: Was she really?
Sara M: Stars don't just happen, Stee. They have to come from somewhere.
Stee: Didn't I recap Newlyweds? Why didn't I know that? I should pay more attention. Hey, I can't wait for Catwoman to come out. Maybe I can come to the premiere.
Sara M: Hey, it's Survivor!
Stee: Fuck Survivor. I said it. I said it, Wing! Fuck Survivor! ["What, like I'm defending Survivor? In 2004? I ain't." -- Wing Chun]
Pamie: Survivor puts food on Sara's table.
Sara M: Not anymore. I'm done working there.
Djb: I have the best reality television gossip in the world, but I can't tell you because the tape's running.
Pamie: Okay, we're back.
Back. Dave Chappelle. Again. He makes shout-outs to his wife and kids and friends. And then Rick James. But he says he's not here to talk about himself, but about Jay-Z. There's a little film about Jay-Z retiring. He talks about how he's achieved so much already as a solo artist. Film clips. Film clips. "Good Luck," graphics at the end say. Aw, this is so touching. Dave then talks to Jay-Z about how great he is and they didn't know what gift to get him but then he found something in Times Square...and his friend comes up holding a suitcase with cheap watches. Jay-Z laughs. His friend won't leave the stage until Dave jokes that he should get the hell away from him. Everyone wishes Jay-Z good luck. Yeah, like he's not still going to be everywhere.
Stee: I hope Yeah Yeah Yeahs win.
Pamie: It'd be great if M2 really did only play this kind of music. Hey, where's Busta? See? We're just missing all the fun.
Sara M: What?
Djb: What is wrong with you? Busta Rhymes?
Stee: Or Coolio.
Pamie: Yeah. Ja Rule.
Djb: Where's Flavor Flav right now?
Pamie: Where's Tom Petty? Don't touch the Beastie Boys, you fifteen minutes of fame motherfuckers. Back off, Yellowcard.
Stee: Don't fucking spread mediocrity on our Beastie Boys.
Sara M: Their lead singer looks like Alan Cumming.
Couch Baron: You said "Cumming."
Stee: The Yellowcard guy is about to cry.
Couch Baron: "I wanna thank all those people Usher thanked!"
Stee: "I wanna thank the empty seats!"
Couch Baron: "I'd like to thank John Kerry's daughters!"
Pamie: I've already forgotten this band's name. Where's Marilyn Manson? Where's Chris Rock?
Marilyn Manson and Mandy Moore come out. Marilyn makes a "white D12" joke and then says that if the two of them had a love child, this is what they'd look like. It's the Polyphonic Spree, a band we don't quite understand. There are flowing ribbons and people dancing in robes and playing instruments. It's hard to know what to think. The lead singer flies up in the air and then makes all sorts of faces like he's totally on drugs. That's it. Then backstage someone is talking to Ashlee Simpson about Alicia Keys. Then Ashlee says she liked it when Bruce Willis danced. Maybe that's why he did it. To please her. Commercials.
Sara M: I think Marilyn Manson is coming, Pamie.
Pamie: Ooh! Look! I'm the only person in the world clapping for Marilyn Manson right now.
Stee: You're the only person in the world who knows who Marilyn Manson is.
Pamie: Is that Mary J. Blige with him?
Djb: Your tongue is so drunkenly purple.
Stee: Oh, my God. You really do have a purple tongue.
Pamie: Mandy Moore and Marilyn Manson. M-m-m-m-m. That's one wild night.
Stee: No. She loves God.
Sara M: I thought he was cooler than this.
Pamie: What is this Polyphonic Spree?
Sara M: Tripping Daisy. Someone died, and the rest of them made this.