Gwyneth comes out to the sound of her husband's crap fake-Radiohead band. Video of the Year. "99 Problems" (Jay-Z). "Hey Ya" (Outkast). "Yeah" (Usher f/ Lil Jon & Ludacris). "My Band" (D12). "Toxic" (Britney Spears). The winner is Outkast. Someone jumps up and tells everyone to Vote or Die. Then Big Boi thanks Jesus Christ and his mom.
Pamie: Who went down on time? I went down on The Time -- Prince still didn't put me in his video.
Djb: Good night, everyone!
Sara M: Yeah!
Stee: I was gonna be part of the Polyphonic Spree but then Sweettarts got mad. I said, "Sweettarts got mad!"
Djb: Bah-dah-dah-dah-da-DAH! Bah-dah-dah-da-da-da.
Sara M: This time Britney's gonna win! Woo!
Pamie: She can't win. She has a baby.
Stee: She's busy with her husband's baby's mama.
John Mellencamp and the Evanescence chick. He talks about Bob Dylan and Woody Guthrie and then about voting and how you have to stand for something in life. Gothy goth announces a performance by Outkast.
Pamie: John Cougar Mellencamp? Who's he gonna vote for, George Washington?
Stee: "Somebody tell me who this creepy Goth whore in a corset is next to me."
Pamie: "Who am I? What am I doing here? What year is it? Bruce Willis, did you wander on stage again?"
Stee: "Please point me in the direction of high-school girls I can have sex with."
Pamie: "Please tell me how to get to Jack and Diane's."
Couch Baron: A few more years and he's gonna be Ed Meese.
Stee: I gotta go play poker. When is this shit gonna end? We have five minutes and we have to leave.
Djb: Where are you going?
Stee: Couch Baron and I have a poker game. I'm gonna go put on my shoes. Fuck this noise.
Djb: I don't want to recap this anymore. I'm so very tired and I want to go home. To New York.
Pamie: Don't leave.
Djb: Oh, no. So tired. I think I know what it's like to have Alzheimer's. I'm just in and out, not knowing who anyone is or what I'm watching. "What? Who's that guy? Is he my uncle?"
It starts with the slow fake Prince song and Andre on the guitar. Then "I Like The Way You Move" as they do a whole Choose or Lose skit behind them. Puffy is drinking and dancing as the song goes on. Farnsworth dances. And the music stops and Andre says, "Okay. For the millionth time. 'Hey Ya,' damn it." Hee. The song starts and the lights and voting graphics continue behind them. Then the balloons fall and as the song plays you suddenly feel like you're back in last summer. Closing credits. Finally. Sway talks, trying to keep us around for the Post-Show. It's not going to work, Sway. Bye!
Sara M: Hey, it's Survivor!
Stee: Fuck Survivor. I said it. I said it, Wing! Fuck Survivor! ["What, like I'm defending Survivor? In 2004? I ain't." -- Wing Chun]
Pamie: Survivor puts food on Sara's table.
Sara M: Not anymore. I'm done working there.
Djb: I have the best reality television gossip in the world, but I can't tell you because the tape's running.
Pamie: Okay, we're back.
Back. Dave Chappelle. Again. He makes shout-outs to his wife and kids and friends. And then Rick James. But he says he's not here to talk about himself, but about Jay-Z. There's a little film about Jay-Z retiring. He talks about how he's achieved so much already as a solo artist. Film clips. Film clips. "Good Luck," graphics at the end say. Aw, this is so touching. Dave then talks to Jay-Z about how great he is and they didn't know what gift to get him but then he found something in Times Square...and his friend comes up holding a suitcase with cheap watches. Jay-Z laughs. His friend won't leave the stage until Dave jokes that he should get the hell away from him. Everyone wishes Jay-Z good luck. Yeah, like he's not still going to be everywhere.
Pamie: Is Jay-Z winning a Video Vanguard award?
Couch Baron: And here I thought we'd get through three hours without the word "bling."
Pamie: I'm just gonna say it. Dave Chappelle isn't funny. And did Jay-Z win something, or were they just talking about him for a while? I don't understand what's happening. What's a JoJo?
Stee: Oh, my God. I'm not gonna make the joke. No, I am. "I got my first period at the VMAs!" Look at her lime green Uggs.
Couch Baron: She said "Olympic bling." God. I totally called it.
Jojo comes out. She makes the Olsens look over the hill. Jojo says she has some people in the house all the way from Greece, "complete with Olympic bling." Egh. A swimmer comes out. The beach volleyball girls. And then the gymnastics girl. Jojo then does the nominees for Viewer's Choice Award. "The Voice Within" (Christina Aguilera). "Perfect" (Simple Plan). "Breaking The Habit" (Linkin Park). "Hold On" (Good Charlotte). "Ocean Avenue" (Yellowcard). Jojo keeps laughing as the giant athletes stand behind her. They announce the winner. Linkin Park. A few of the guys go up, including some big fat guy who doesn't look like a band member. Some guy talks. It might be the director, Joseph Kahn. The fat guy is his producer. No, I guess it's not Kahn. Oh, who cares? No one. Beasties talk. Commercials.