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2006-2007 Tubey Awards: Tubey Awards of Questionable Cachet

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2006-2007 Tubey Awards: Tubey Awards of Questionable Cachet

One might think Lifetime had a lock on this category, but it turns out that the Hallmark Channel has been quietly operating under the radar of everyone under the age of sixty-five, steadily building an empire of actors who we really, really thought had better things to do and enough money to not have to take whatever Hallmark was offering them. John Larroquette, Kellie Martin, Dick Van Dyke, Lea Thompson, and Valerie Bertinelli (okay, Bertinelli probably doesn't have anything better to do and needs the money) all have their own TV movie series in which they play detectives of some sort who solve sucky mysteries. Now that Hallmark has the rights to both Matlock and Murder, She Wrote, nursing-home employees across America are preparing themselves for the commotion that is sure to arise when a reunion crossover movie is announced. -- Sara M

Best Non-Starter Dance Craze On A Sports Show
We don't know why Tony Kornheiser's "Penguin Dance" on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption cracks us up so much. It just does. It's like asking why we hop up and down and cross our legs when we have to pee. It's human nature. Kornheiser, the pastier of the two Washington Post columnist hosts, has a healthy appreciation for American Idol and Mario Lopez, which automatically sets him apart from the legion of blowhard talking heads on the network. And his intro-segment jokes about bedding Bea Arthur serve to further endear us to the lifetime member of the Bald Brotherhood. But it's the Penguin Dance, that silly shoulder, shoulder, shoulder bop that arrived just as every computer-animated movie seemed to feature the tuxedo-bearing birds, that takes Kornheiser from corny to sublime. We like it more than that Crank That dance, anyway. -- Omar G

Best Performance By A Hurricane Of Tequila And Tiny Fists
If you only watched one episode of The Bad Girls Club (and...it was on Oxygen, so the odds are that you've watched one episode or fewer), we really hope it was the first one, where Ripsi, the drunkest and most violent girl in a house full of people cast for being drunk and/or violent, spent an entire day drinking tequila, attempted to perform drunk yoga, attacked one cast member, got thrown into the pool and nearly drowned because she couldn't control her limbs well enough to stay afloat, attacked another cast member, trashed the kitchen, and managed to pass out and last the night without choking on her own vomit or stringy, wet hair extensions. We're kind of with housemate Ty, who, while watching Ripsi tear apart the phone room, hollered, "You better call Jesus!" We've been telling people that they better call Jesus ever since. -- Joe R

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Mondo Extra

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Mondo Extra
2006-2007 Tubey Awards: Tubey Awards of Questionable Cachet

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
2006-2007 Tubey Awards: Tubey Awards of Questionable Cachet

We don't know why Tony Kornheiser's "Penguin Dance" on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption cracks us up so much. It just does. It's like asking why we hop up and down and cross our legs when we have to pee. It's human nature. Kornheiser, the pastier of the two Washington Post columnist hosts, has a healthy appreciation for American Idol and Mario Lopez, which automatically sets him apart from the legion of blowhard talking heads on the network. And his intro-segment jokes about bedding Bea Arthur serve to further endear us to the lifetime member of the Bald Brotherhood. But it's the Penguin Dance, that silly shoulder, shoulder, shoulder bop that arrived just as every computer-animated movie seemed to feature the tuxedo-bearing birds, that takes Kornheiser from corny to sublime. We like it more than that Crank That dance, anyway. -- Omar G

Best Performance By A Hurricane Of Tequila And Tiny Fists
If you only watched one episode of The Bad Girls Club (and...it was on Oxygen, so the odds are that you've watched one episode or fewer), we really hope it was the first one, where Ripsi, the drunkest and most violent girl in a house full of people cast for being drunk and/or violent, spent an entire day drinking tequila, attempted to perform drunk yoga, attacked one cast member, got thrown into the pool and nearly drowned because she couldn't control her limbs well enough to stay afloat, attacked another cast member, trashed the kitchen, and managed to pass out and last the night without choking on her own vomit or stringy, wet hair extensions. We're kind of with housemate Ty, who, while watching Ripsi tear apart the phone room, hollered, "You better call Jesus!" We've been telling people that they better call Jesus ever since. -- Joe R

Best Reintroduction Of A Style That Used To Be Cool, But Now Makes Us Feel Dirty
Before Mad Men came along, sweater sets and narrow ties had a certain sense of bygone cool to them. You'd pop into a vintage store and come out with flouncy dresses that nipped in at the waist and made your boobs into torpedoes, or a man's suit that had lapels thinner than a thumbnail and pants that barely broke on top of your shoe. And you'd pull out these outfits of choice on some rare occasion when one of your friends wanted to go swing dancing or listen to jazz downtown, and you'd put on lipstick made from blood-red wax or slick your hair down with pomade and wear that oh-so-funky-yet-hip outfit out on the town and you'd feel GREAT. But now that Peter has waxed rhapsodic about gutting animals and innocent little Peggy has actually proven to be turned on by such declarations, now that Midge is banging Roger in hotel rooms during the afternoon and wiggling her ass in front of hidden rooms of ad execs, now that Betty is being ogled by a nine-year-old and then GIVING HIM HER HAIR AS A KEEPSAKE, well, we think we'll just retire those adorably retro outfits to the Salvation Army and let someone ELSE feel like a filthy little gutter-dweller, thank you very much. -- Erin

Best Superhero Satire

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