It's Britney, Bitch
We begin outside of Britney's dressing room ... She's putting makeup on. She says hello to Jonah Hill, who's behind her in the mirror and has apparently shown up to offer her tips on relaxation to help her prepare for opening the VMAs. He leads her through a series of yoga-type rituals in which he tells her to close her eyes, and subsequently tries to kiss her. Aww, she looks so normal and not cracked out! Maybe it's the soft-focus lens they seem to be using. Brit Brit gets all indignant when she realizes Jonah is trying to put the moves on her and he insists that he thought it was a date. She ditches him by telling him that she needs to go open the awards. Whoo hoo!
Some producer lady comes to get Brit Brit from her dressing room. She's walking down the gauntlet in a pretty silver flapper dress as "Hit Me Baby One More Time" plays in the background. She looks so fierce! It's like 1999 all over again! She enters the amphitheater, which incidentally is tiny and looks like my high school effing gym. Everyone gives her a standing O. Cute!
Brit Brit's "intro" is super anti-climactic. She says some crap about how this is the 25th anniversary of the VMAs ... and scene. Really? That's it?
The first performance of the evening looks to be a bunch of zombies in lingerie. Oh, it's Rihanna coming through the back door, encased in some weird wedding cake slash Beyond Thunderdome moving boat thing. She's singing "Disturbia" and rocking a major post-apocalyptic rat-tail. Because in the future there are no scissors. Someone needs to get this girl a thigh master. Put those things away, RiRi! The dancers look like what happens if extras from the "Thriller" video raided Frederick's of Hollywood.
Phew, that's over. Now here's our host Russell Brand looking like there's a dead rodent in his hair. He sort of looks like a more attractive Weird Al with guyliner. For those of you who don't know who the hell he is, he is a big deal in the UK apparently. (He actually had a pretty awesome turn as Kristin Bell's rocker boyfriend in Forgetting Sarah Marshall but it seems like a stretch that that would qualify him to host these awards.) Part of his schtick tonight will be to make fun of the fact that no one in the U.S. has any clue who he is.
Wow, he has some womanly hips for a skinny drug addict-looking dude. Kudos to the accent though: "Fank you very much!" A little intro banter as he goes through the laundry list of performers -- Rihanna, Lil Wayne, Paramore, Christina Aguilera, etc. OMG the camera just panned to the audience and there sits Slash. What the hell is he doing here?