It's Britney, Bitch
We're back and Katy Perry is mid "I Kissed a Girl." WTF, MTV? Why did you not broadcast her? She is the least crappy performer on this damned bill! Alright... that's not true. But almost!
Awwww shit, here comes Michael Phelps and everyone's flipping their wigs. Pan to the Pussycat Dolls, who obviously want to hit that. He's talking about how music got him pumped before he competed in the Olympics. Man, he is goofy looking. He introduces Lil Wayne, who is performing with Leona Lewis and T. Pain. Lil Wayne rules but he really likes to grab his crotch. A lot! Ohhh he got beeped!
Kobe Bryant is really into this performance. Here comes T-Pain with his crazy bandleader outfit.
Russell Brand, you are such a silly white dude when you talk about rappers: "What a lovely young man he is. He's losing his trousers!" Now he's saying that next up is Best Female Video. Wait, didn't we already see that? Guess he effed up. Here are LiLo and Ciara to introduce the winner of the VMA dance battle, which was broadcast during the pre-show. At first I thought Brand had messed up again and said Lindsay when he meant Ali. Lindsay's wearing a little faux tuxedo get-up, very power lez. They're really bringing out all the erstwhile trainwrecks tonight.
And the winner is Fanny Pak! Whoopdie doo. Now Ciara and LiLo are gonna present the award for Best Dancing in a Video. The nominees are:
Madonna, "4 Minutes"
Chris Brown, "Forever"
Danity Kane, "Damaged"
Pussycat Dolls, "When I Grow Up"
And the Pussycat Dolls win. (Am I the only one who thinks it sounds like they're saying "When I grow up/I wanna have boobies" in that song?) How apropos that LiLo would be the one to present them, seeing as she likes ... oh, nevermind. Wow, one of them actually said "Thanks to God for being so awesome!" Who is this woman's speech writer?!
Then Pete Wentz is backstage again with some random ho's -- oh it's Danity Kane. And they're reminding us to vote for Best New Artist. We get it!!!
Russell Brand is making jokes about gaying out with Lil Wayne. Then he introduces the Twilight peeps, Kristen Stewart etc. They explain that Paramore is gonna be performing live from the Whiskey-A-Go-Go. How very technologically advanced. Russell Brand and the Twilight people keep saying that "nothing is what it seems." Apparently this is the theme of the show. How deep! How trippy!