It's Britney, Bitch
Ummmm, is this Avril Lavigne with a live band? I mean her voice is OK but, ew, shut up. And/or get a new stylist to do something about the dead possum on your head. It's not punk rock. It is hideous.
Now to present Best Rock Video are two drunkards -- Shia and Slash. Slash looks like he's gonna fall over. The nominees are:
Paramore, "Crush Crush Crush"
Slipknot, "Psychosocial" [side note -- I am terrified of these guys.]
Linkin Park, "Shadow of the Day"
Foo Fighters, "The Pretender"
Fall Out Boy, "Beat It"
And the winner is Linkin Park. I'm sorry but who decided they were rock? They sound more and more like Coldplay, i.e. wimpy pop poop, every day. When they go up to accept the award, the Asian dude tells Shia that "Transformers was awesome." Mutual admo!
Now Russell Brand is backstage with Miley Cyrus, who is very convincingly acting like she totally forgot she was here to present some crap and is playing Rock Band instead. Oh, she's singing Bon Jovi, "Living on a Prayer." Damned Jesus freak. She must now introduce Pink. Dear Miley, we are over you. Go away.
Pink is performing "So What" on the backlot. Backlot. That sounds dirty. Hee hee. She's in a fake apartment, breaking stuff. Jumping off a window escape. Things are exploding. She's strutting down the street with a bunch of chicks behind her and it's looking like a West Side Story street scene. OMG. Did I just see nip? I think I totally just saw nip! Say what you will about Pink. She can belt! Sadly she ended on a not so great note. Pitchy as Randy Jackson would say. And she blew a raspberry, which is the universal sign of "I'm a bad ass who doesn't give a flip." Commercial.
We're back and the Ting Tings are in the midst of a performance of "Shut Up and Let Me Go." Seriously MTV, why do you insist on relegating all the halfway decent performers to between-segment slots?
Here are Pete Wentz and uber-preggers Ashlee Simpson. He says they were considering pulling a Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson (i.e. saying "And they said this wouldn't last" and then making out in a vomit-inducing manner) but they want to stay married. Umm... Pete? Sorry to say but more than half of your viewers won't get that reference, being that they were fetuses when that happened. Nice try though. Another plug for Best New Artist. Ashlee is on her sidekick demonstrating how to vote. She has cast a jillion votes for herself and the baby (babies??).