It's Britney, Bitch
Now it's time for Best Hip Hop Video, which is being presented by none other than my worst nightmare, the be-masked Nu-Metal freak jobs Slipknot. There's some random dude onstage with them wearing a mask and they're all, "Who's that weirdo? He's not with us!" They unmask him and it's McLovin pretending to be wasted! How ... hilarious? The nominees are:
Lil Wayne, "Lollipop"
Lupe Fiasco, "Superstar"
Flo Rida, "Low"
Mary J. Blige, "Just Fine" [Mary J. is hip hop? Says who?]
Kanye West, "Homecoming"
The winner is Lil Wayne, who is now wearing a t-shirt and scarf and sort of looks like an indie rock hipster girl. Very fashion forward!
Now here's John Legend and Jordin Sparks i.e. the two boringest people in the music industry. Jordin Sparks goes on some weird rant about how promise rings are nice -- is this a jab at Russell Brand? -- and that sluttiness is overrated. What the eff is going on? Sounds like someone's bitter.
Now they're introducing T.I., who's of course in the backlot to perform. He's in a suit with some ho, escorting her from a jewelry store to a fur store giving her all manner of bling, etc. Now they're in the club. And now he pulls off his suit and reveals a t-shirt and chains like some sort of hip hop Clark Kent. He struts into the amphitheater to join Rihanna onstage for a little medley. She looks like a bad ass in aviators and thigh high boots. Aww... they pan to Chris Brown, who is totally singing along. Because he loves her! I can hear T.I.'s backing track. Who do you think you are, T.I.? Ashlee Simpson?
OMG. I just realized that Travis Barker and Paris used to totally bump uglies. I wonder if that's awkward.
Here come the High School Musical losers to introduce Xtina. Zac Efron is so purdy.
There's a video montage of all of Xtina's various incarnations -- how artsy! And here she is. WTF y'all? She looks like a futuristic fembot dominatrix with a weird eye mask and a pleather catsuit . Her ta ta's are on parade. Umm... I'm all for married moms getting their sexy on, but this seems vaguely inappropriate. Also this song sounds straight-up like Goldfrapp. Way to bite Alison's style, Xtina. You're so original! Clearly she's lip-syncing. Her dancers are all Clark Kent-looking dudes rocking glasses and briefcases. Do I sense a theme here? She's singing, "some days I'm a super bitch." Here's what I don't get: why would they insist on having her do this monstrous spectacle of a dance number that necessitates lip-syncing when she's one of the few pop performers who can actually sing? Stupid if you ask me. Plus, Xtina was never really a dancer. Why not leave the prancing around in a bodysuit to Britney?