It's Britney, Bitch

by Lauren Gitlin September 8, 2008
2008 MTV VMAs And ... we're back. Russell introduces Demi Moore to present Best Male Vid. Ha! She forgot her microphone! That's what happens when you get senile honey! She says some crap about the history of the VMAs, how they're 25-years-old (which means that by my calculations she was 66 when the first one aired. Gotta love plastic surgery. Bitch looks fierce!) Wow, she just dropped some science: David Bowie won the first ever Best Male Video award. How times have changed. The nominees are:
Chris Brown, "With You"
Flo Rida, "Low"
T.I., "No Matter What"
Usher, "Love In This Club"
Lil Wayne, "Lollipop"

It better be "Love In This Club." That was only the summer jam of '08! Dang, upset! It's Chris Brown, looking super cute incidentally. Lil Wayne is clapping for him graciously and looking like a scary be-dreaded Skeletor.

Here we have Taylor Swift talking about the history of Paramount Studios and the backlot, where oodles of movies have been filmed. Whoopie. She introduces the Jonas Brothers, who are performing "Love Bug" from one of the sets. They're sitting on the stoop of some fake New York brownstone playing instruments and being generally faggy. They look like they're on Sesame Street. Now the stoop opens up behind them to reveal a stage and a live band. Pan to a bunch of "fans" running through the faux streets, affecting a Beatles-mania thing. Dumb. Also, how many rock stars can pull off bow-ties? Hint: none.

As we fade out to commercial, we pan to Katy Perry covering "Like a Virgin" (badly). At least she looks cute. She's wearing a white satin romper with a weird banana appliqué thing. Why are they cutting her off?

I like this Jerry Seinfeld Microsoft commercial. I've often thought how nice it would be if they made computers chewy like a churro. I do not, however, like this Life Water commercial with Naomi Campbell and a bunch of lizards. What the hell does one thing have to do with another? No.

We're back and Katy Perry is mid "I Kissed a Girl." WTF, MTV? Why did you not broadcast her? She is the least crappy performer on this damned bill! Alright... that's not true. But almost!

Awwww shit, here comes Michael Phelps and everyone's flipping their wigs. Pan to the Pussycat Dolls, who obviously want to hit that. He's talking about how music got him pumped before he competed in the Olympics. Man, he is goofy looking. He introduces Lil Wayne, who is performing with Leona Lewis and T. Pain. Lil Wayne rules but he really likes to grab his crotch. A lot! Ohhh he got beeped!

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