It's Britney, Bitch

by Lauren Gitlin September 8, 2008
2008 MTV VMAs

Kobe Bryant is really into this performance. Here comes T-Pain with his crazy bandleader outfit.

Russell Brand, you are such a silly white dude when you talk about rappers: "What a lovely young man he is. He's losing his trousers!" Now he's saying that next up is Best Female Video. Wait, didn't we already see that? Guess he effed up. Here are LiLo and Ciara to introduce the winner of the VMA dance battle, which was broadcast during the pre-show. At first I thought Brand had messed up again and said Lindsay when he meant Ali. Lindsay's wearing a little faux tuxedo get-up, very power lez. They're really bringing out all the erstwhile trainwrecks tonight.

And the winner is Fanny Pak! Whoopdie doo. Now Ciara and LiLo are gonna present the award for Best Dancing in a Video. The nominees are:
Ne-Yo, "Closer"
Madonna, "4 Minutes"
Chris Brown, "Forever"
Danity Kane, "Damaged"
Pussycat Dolls, "When I Grow Up"

And the Pussycat Dolls win. (Am I the only one who thinks it sounds like they're saying "When I grow up/I wanna have boobies" in that song?) How apropos that LiLo would be the one to present them, seeing as she likes ... oh, nevermind. Wow, one of them actually said "Thanks to God for being so awesome!" Who is this woman's speech writer?!

Then Pete Wentz is backstage again with some random ho's -- oh it's Danity Kane. And they're reminding us to vote for Best New Artist. We get it!!!

Russell Brand is making jokes about gaying out with Lil Wayne. Then he introduces the Twilight peeps, Kristen Stewart etc. They explain that Paramore is gonna be performing live from the Whiskey-A-Go-Go. How very technologically advanced. Russell Brand and the Twilight people keep saying that "nothing is what it seems." Apparently this is the theme of the show. How deep! How trippy!

Ummmm, is this Avril Lavigne with a live band? I mean her voice is OK but, ew, shut up. And/or get a new stylist to do something about the dead possum on your head. It's not punk rock. It is hideous.

Now to present Best Rock Video are two drunkards -- Shia and Slash. Slash looks like he's gonna fall over. The nominees are:
Paramore, "Crush Crush Crush"
Slipknot, "Psychosocial" [side note -- I am terrified of these guys.]
Linkin Park, "Shadow of the Day"
Foo Fighters, "The Pretender"
Fall Out Boy, "Beat It"

And the winner is Linkin Park. I'm sorry but who decided they were rock? They sound more and more like Coldplay, i.e. wimpy pop poop, every day. When they go up to accept the award, the Asian dude tells Shia that "Transformers was awesome." Mutual admo!

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