It's Britney, Bitch

by Lauren Gitlin September 8, 2008
2008 MTV VMAs

Now they're introducing T.I., who's of course in the backlot to perform. He's in a suit with some ho, escorting her from a jewelry store to a fur store giving her all manner of bling, etc. Now they're in the club. And now he pulls off his suit and reveals a t-shirt and chains like some sort of hip hop Clark Kent. He struts into the amphitheater to join Rihanna onstage for a little medley. She looks like a bad ass in aviators and thigh high boots. Aww... they pan to Chris Brown, who is totally singing along. Because he loves her! I can hear T.I.'s backing track. Who do you think you are, T.I.? Ashlee Simpson?

OMG. I just realized that Travis Barker and Paris used to totally bump uglies. I wonder if that's awkward.

Here come the High School Musical losers to introduce Xtina. Zac Efron is so purdy.

There's a video montage of all of Xtina's various incarnations -- how artsy! And here she is. WTF y'all? She looks like a futuristic fembot dominatrix with a weird eye mask and a pleather catsuit . Her ta ta's are on parade. Umm... I'm all for married moms getting their sexy on, but this seems vaguely inappropriate. Also this song sounds straight-up like Goldfrapp. Way to bite Alison's style, Xtina. You're so original! Clearly she's lip-syncing. Her dancers are all Clark Kent-looking dudes rocking glasses and briefcases. Do I sense a theme here? She's singing, "some days I'm a super bitch." Here's what I don't get: why would they insist on having her do this monstrous spectacle of a dance number that necessitates lip-syncing when she's one of the few pop performers who can actually sing? Stupid if you ask me. Plus, Xtina was never really a dancer. Why not leave the prancing around in a bodysuit to Britney?

Russell Brand apologizes for jokes about promise rings. "I don't want to piss off teenage fans. Quite the opposite. No, I don't mean I want to piss on the teenage fans." Ha! Love that scatological humor.

Lauren Conrad and Chace Crawford are here to introduce the category we've all been waiting for (so that Pete Wentz will leave us the hell alone): Best New Artist. Dang Lauren. Put away the mams.

The winner is Tokio Hotel. These guys need to get a new stylist right now. Dead muppet seems to be the guiding principle hair-wise. Further proof that MTV viewers have awful taste in music.

Back from the break -- even LL Cool J is relegated to second tier performance slot. How the hell old is that guy anyhow? The crowd is so not stoked about him.

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