MONDO EXTRAS

I remember reading that Vanessa Williams -- singer, actress, Miss Naked America -- started using her middle initial so as not to be confused with the other Vanessa Williams, who is such a non-thespian that Melrose Place axed her after season one. But during the cartoonish credits to A Diva's Christmas Carol, Vanessa's "L" is missing. I'm thinking that the divine Miss W. wants to be confused with discount-Vanessa, and perhaps even seeks to perpetuate the mix-up because Miss W. is embarrassed that someone thinks "Ebony Scrooge" is the cleverest perversion of a classic name since "Scrooge McDuck."

As a ballad introduction plays, small children frolic around a fake snow-covered village. They toss snowballs and dart around cottages. Vanessa Williams appears suddenly, ensconced in a floor-length white furry coat, red gloves and red scarf, and a red outfit underneath. She looks like the villainous Bumble in the classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, except The Bumble was cute, and didn't break into song. The fake snowflakes start landing on her eyelashes and up her nose, and with all that white powder on her schnozz, I briefly confuse this with a Whitney Houston biopic. Vanessa starts coughing and fake-choking, then bellows up at the man dumping snow onto her head. He stops, but it's clear he did it on purpose. A French guy runs up and asks chérie Ebony if she is okay. "If my throat got scratched..." Ebony growls. "It's bad enough I'm stuck in this cheeseball Bigfoot getup surrounded by smelly brats." Ebony screams for The Phone Guy. A shy kid runs up with a cell phone velcroed to his shirt. She dials, finding time to hurl more insults at the snow guy. "You don't actually have to dump that toxic waste down my throat to make it look like it's snowing in here," Ebony yells. "Perhaps they didn't teach you that at the Academy de la Minimum Wage." Snow Man considers telling her he had to drop "Dumping 101" in favor of "Flipping Burgers, Flipping Lives" and "Typewriter-Tutor: White-Out Gets You By and Gets You High," but instead he pretends not to speak English, then calls her a bitch. In English.

Ebony decides to ruin Bob Crachit's day. She telephones him and demands that he walk over to her. Ten paces later, he's by her side, thanking her for using the mobile phone for that extra thirty seconds of brain damage. People apologize left and right, but Ebony ignores them. All she wants is French toast and bottled water. Phone Guy dashes off, and everyone complains about how monstrously bitchy Ebony is. Bob argues that Ebony is just tired, and jokes with the French producer about how funny it is that the French don't know how to make French toast. Bob asks if "French kissing" is also a misnomer, and the two of them suddenly suck face and make passionate love atop the fake snow and child actors. Or, Bob runs after Ebony. You choose.

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I remember reading that Vanessa Williams -- singer, actress, Miss Naked America -- started using her middle initial so as not to be confused with the other Vanessa Williams, who is such a non-thespian that Melrose Place axed her after season one. But during the cartoonish credits to A Diva's Christmas Carol, Vanessa's "L" is missing. I'm thinking that the divine Miss W. wants to be confused with discount-Vanessa, and perhaps even seeks to perpetuate the mix-up because Miss W. is embarrassed that someone thinks "Ebony Scrooge" is the cleverest perversion of a classic name since "Scrooge McDuck." As a ballad introduction plays, small children frolic around a fake snow-covered village. They toss snowballs and dart around cottages. Vanessa Williams appears suddenly, ensconced in a floor-length white furry coat, red gloves and red scarf, and a red outfit underneath. She looks like the villainous Bumble in the classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, except The Bumble was cute, and didn't break into song. The fake snowflakes start landing on her eyelashes and up her nose, and with all that white powder on her schnozz, I briefly confuse this with a Whitney Houston biopic. Vanessa starts coughing and fake-choking, then bellows up at the man dumping snow onto her head. He stops, but it's clear he did it on purpose. A French guy runs up and asks chérie Ebony if she is okay. "If my throat got scratched..." Ebony growls. "It's bad enough I'm stuck in this cheeseball Bigfoot getup surrounded by smelly brats." Ebony screams for The Phone Guy. A shy kid runs up with a cell phone velcroed to his shirt. She dials, finding time to hurl more insults at the snow guy. "You don't actually have to dump that toxic waste down my throat to make it look like it's snowing in here," Ebony yells. "Perhaps they didn't teach you that at the Academy de la Minimum Wage." Snow Man considers telling her he had to drop "Dumping 101" in favor of "Flipping Burgers, Flipping Lives" and "Typewriter-Tutor: White-Out Gets You By and Gets You High," but instead he pretends not to speak English, then calls her a bitch. In English. Ebony decides to ruin Bob Crachit's day. She telephones him and demands that he walk over to her. Ten paces later, he's by her side, thanking her for using the mobile phone for that extra thirty seconds of brain damage. People apologize left and right, but Ebony ignores them. All she wants is French toast and bottled water. Phone Guy dashes off, and everyone complains about how monstrously bitchy Ebony is. Bob argues that Ebony is just tired, and jokes with the French producer about how funny it is that the French don't know how to make French toast. Bob asks if "French kissing" is also a misnomer, and the two of them suddenly suck face and make passionate love atop the fake snow and child actors. Or, Bob runs after Ebony. You choose.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next