MONDO EXTRAS

A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva's Christmas Carol

Back in the hotel, Ebony invites John in for a drink. He would rather spew platitudes. "Keep an eye out for two things -- ignorance and greed," John says. "They're both killers [that] sneak up on you when you're not looking." Oh, but please, smoke yourself calm while waiting for the silent killers to attack.

A haggard Bob Crachit knocks on the door. He's leaving the tour to attend to his boy and bitch -- er, son and wife. "I need you," she says lamely. "You can leave after the concert." Ebony insists he can do nothing for Tim, being as he's not a doctor of anything but sweet animal looove. "He's my son!" chokes Bob. He says she can decide for herself whether he's quitting or taking a personal day, but either way, he's off to the airport. She is stunned, yelling after him that he can't just walk away from her, especially because he'll be paying some huge dentist bills if Timbo lives. Bob proves her wrong, deftly putting one foot in front of the other in the opposite direction of that which would lead him to Ebony. She's blown away by his skills.

The clock tolls thrice. The windows fog and ice. And VH-1 uses a lame promotional device. The Spirit of Christmas Future is a VH-1 Behind the Music special dedicated to Ebony, detailing the charges of "cruelty and miserliness" that never stuck, and her huge recording career. "The remarkable life and tragic death of a diva," the announcer intones. Ebony gasps.

Russell Crowe Song-Lyric Extravaganza, Part II: "Danielle, Danielle, Danielle, Danny I love you / Danielle, Danielle, Danielle, Danny I love you / Danielle, Danielle, Danielle / Hey Danny."

Bob tells the interviewer that Ebony always prized success above and beyond anything else -- or, anyone else. Patrice, our Tiffany lookalike, appears briefly and then R&B "legend" Brian McKnight appears to try and pretend he's more than a ridiculous alternative to Peabo Bryson, Luther Vandross, and Barry White. He explains that Ebony was going to cover one of his songs, but her untimely death ended that. Brian's elation resurfaces when it's revealed she recorded a demo the day before she died, and with some cleaning, it will be released as a memorial single. The record company and Brian both jump for joy, and Ebony is angry. "It's tragic when an [artist] dies young, but ultimately it's the best thing that could've happened," the producer says. "She's worth ten times as much dead as she is alive." People swap stories about Ebony's temper tantrums, violent temper, and general bitchiness. The producer recalls the time she stole Mariah Carey's dress, and "she had to go out in her underwear. Thankfully, no one noticed." Hee! The roadies express relief at her death, and Bob refutes a rumor that Ebony sliced Marli's brake line. Then, the record company auctioned off all her belongings, including Ebony's most personal item -- her diary. Horrified, Ebony watches as the narrator reads a passage: "I've really got to break it off with Anne Heche. What's fun at a party really isn't a relationship, and I have to remember that." Funny, Anne probably wrote the same thing about Ellen. The movie ends with Bob, who recalls how Ebony's selfishness prevented him from being with Tim when he finally died.

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A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva’s Christmas Carol Back in the hotel, Ebony invites John in for a drink. He would rather spew platitudes. "Keep an eye out for two things -- ignorance and greed," John says. "They're both killers [that] sneak up on you when you're not looking." Oh, but please, smoke yourself calm while waiting for the silent killers to attack. A haggard Bob Crachit knocks on the door. He's leaving the tour to attend to his boy and bitch -- er, son and wife. "I need you," she says lamely. "You can leave after the concert." Ebony insists he can do nothing for Tim, being as he's not a doctor of anything but sweet animal looove. "He's my son!" chokes Bob. He says she can decide for herself whether he's quitting or taking a personal day, but either way, he's off to the airport. She is stunned, yelling after him that he can't just walk away from her, especially because he'll be paying some huge dentist bills if Timbo lives. Bob proves her wrong, deftly putting one foot in front of the other in the opposite direction of that which would lead him to Ebony. She's blown away by his skills. The clock tolls thrice. The windows fog and ice. And VH-1 uses a lame promotional device. The Spirit of Christmas Future is a VH-1 Behind the Music special dedicated to Ebony, detailing the charges of "cruelty and miserliness" that never stuck, and her huge recording career. "The remarkable life and tragic death of a diva," the announcer intones. Ebony gasps. Russell Crowe Song-Lyric Extravaganza, Part II: "Danielle, Danielle, Danielle, Danny I love you / Danielle, Danielle, Danielle, Danny I love you / Danielle, Danielle, Danielle / Hey Danny." Bob tells the interviewer that Ebony always prized success above and beyond anything else -- or, anyone else. Patrice, our Tiffany lookalike, appears briefly and then R&B "legend" Brian McKnight appears to try and pretend he's more than a ridiculous alternative to Peabo Bryson, Luther Vandross, and Barry White. He explains that Ebony was going to cover one of his songs, but her untimely death ended that. Brian's elation resurfaces when it's revealed she recorded a demo the day before she died, and with some cleaning, it will be released as a memorial single. The record company and Brian both jump for joy, and Ebony is angry. "It's tragic when an [artist] dies young, but ultimately it's the best thing that could've happened," the producer says. "She's worth ten times as much dead as she is alive." People swap stories about Ebony's temper tantrums, violent temper, and general bitchiness. The producer recalls the time she stole Mariah Carey's dress, and "she had to go out in her underwear. Thankfully, no one noticed." Hee! The roadies express relief at her death, and Bob refutes a rumor that Ebony sliced Marli's brake line. Then, the record company auctioned off all her belongings, including Ebony's most personal item -- her diary. Horrified, Ebony watches as the narrator reads a passage: "I've really got to break it off with Anne Heche. What's fun at a party really isn't a relationship, and I have to remember that." Funny, Anne probably wrote the same thing about Ellen. The movie ends with Bob, who recalls how Ebony's selfishness prevented him from being with Tim when he finally died.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

Comments

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