MONDO EXTRAS

A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva's Christmas Carol

In her dressing room, Ebony has two manicurists and a pedicurist working on her. She's mouthing off about Christmas being the perfect marketing machine, which explains her effort to film a seasonal video amid her European tour. She acts like it's revolutionary to do this, despite the fact that the song is a Christmas ballad. But then, Ebony probably isn't the sharpest key on the piano. The geeky accountant, Ernie, walks in just as Bob complains about late paychecks. Ernie whispers that they're short funds again, and he promises he'll investigate why. Ebony doesn't care, because she's just had a brilliant idea for coping with shortfall -- she will have a Christmas concert. Bob is startled and slightly disgusted, and Ebony dismisses the hands-and-feet people -- not before suggesting they be hired full-time, because "Whitney's got her own people." So, if Whitney snorted enough coke to melt her eyeballs, would Ebony do it, too? Oh wait, Whitney already did that.

Ebony rhapsodizes about a New York City concert on Christmas Day; she's interested in how it will complement her ongoing album promotions. Bob wants a charity concert, and Ernie mentions that it would be a lovely tax write-off, so Ebony agrees. She'll stage it at an intimate setting, and overcharge for tickets. What a bitch. (Barbra, can you hear me?) "Tourists will pay anything for a little holiday spirit," Ebony cackles. Bob wonders which group would be the beneficiary, and Ebony changes the subject by asking after the health of her godson, "little Tom." Bob corrects her on the name, then fights with her about the Christmas Day holiday she had promised everyone. "You can have the next day off," Ernie soothes him smarmily. Ebony declares that tickets will go on sale the next day. Well, that was easy. Sure, she might not have a venue, and she hasn't notified any vendors yet, but tickets will go on sale the next day. Ebony callously lets Bob find a way to break the news to the staff that Christmas isn't a vacation day anymore. Santa takes Ebony off the "good" list and resolves to give her a stern spanking -- which actually lands her on a different sort of "good" list.

Bob takes a deep breath and boards the tour bus. The next second, we see things getting thrown at his head -- things like food wrappers, loose change, and an entire volume of Abridged Dickens. Half the roadies have kids and families and had already purchased tickets home; Bob empathizes, but can't do anything to help them. "On the two nights of Christmas, the Diva gave to me: absolutely, positively nothing," sings one roadie, a cheap knock-off of Angie Harmon. Solution: stop being a roadie. Bob then breaks more news: no tickets for the staff. Because the proceeds go to charity, Ebony isn't giving any tickets away. He bolts as the natives get restless.

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A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva’s Christmas Carol In her dressing room, Ebony has two manicurists and a pedicurist working on her. She's mouthing off about Christmas being the perfect marketing machine, which explains her effort to film a seasonal video amid her European tour. She acts like it's revolutionary to do this, despite the fact that the song is a Christmas ballad. But then, Ebony probably isn't the sharpest key on the piano. The geeky accountant, Ernie, walks in just as Bob complains about late paychecks. Ernie whispers that they're short funds again, and he promises he'll investigate why. Ebony doesn't care, because she's just had a brilliant idea for coping with shortfall -- she will have a Christmas concert. Bob is startled and slightly disgusted, and Ebony dismisses the hands-and-feet people -- not before suggesting they be hired full-time, because "Whitney's got her own people." So, if Whitney snorted enough coke to melt her eyeballs, would Ebony do it, too? Oh wait, Whitney already did that. Ebony rhapsodizes about a New York City concert on Christmas Day; she's interested in how it will complement her ongoing album promotions. Bob wants a charity concert, and Ernie mentions that it would be a lovely tax write-off, so Ebony agrees. She'll stage it at an intimate setting, and overcharge for tickets. What a bitch. (Barbra, can you hear me?) "Tourists will pay anything for a little holiday spirit," Ebony cackles. Bob wonders which group would be the beneficiary, and Ebony changes the subject by asking after the health of her godson, "little Tom." Bob corrects her on the name, then fights with her about the Christmas Day holiday she had promised everyone. "You can have the next day off," Ernie soothes him smarmily. Ebony declares that tickets will go on sale the next day. Well, that was easy. Sure, she might not have a venue, and she hasn't notified any vendors yet, but tickets will go on sale the next day. Ebony callously lets Bob find a way to break the news to the staff that Christmas isn't a vacation day anymore. Santa takes Ebony off the "good" list and resolves to give her a stern spanking -- which actually lands her on a different sort of "good" list. Bob takes a deep breath and boards the tour bus. The next second, we see things getting thrown at his head -- things like food wrappers, loose change, and an entire volume of Abridged Dickens. Half the roadies have kids and families and had already purchased tickets home; Bob empathizes, but can't do anything to help them. "On the two nights of Christmas, the Diva gave to me: absolutely, positively nothing," sings one roadie, a cheap knock-off of Angie Harmon. Solution: stop being a roadie. Bob then breaks more news: no tickets for the staff. Because the proceeds go to charity, Ebony isn't giving any tickets away. He bolts as the natives get restless.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

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