MONDO EXTRAS

A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva's Christmas Carol

Sitting on the winter village set, Bob calls his wife Kelly. She doesn't react well when he says that not only is the paycheck late, but he has to work on Christmas. She wants money. Bob tells her to stop blowing his wad on Glamour and BBQ Doritos, and Kelly's all, "I'm just keepin' it real," and Bob tells her to get her ass a job, and Kelly's all, "I have a job," and Bob's all, "Prostitution isn't your job, it's your hobby," and Tiny Tim's all, "God bless me!" and the dog's all, "Arf!" and The Machine that Goes Bing goes, "Bing." In sum: Bob can't stuff Kelly's Christmas goose, so she'll have to take matters into her own hands. Cough, cough. They fight over his devotion to Ebony, then Kelly bitches that Tim's got high blood pressure and anemia. Lest Tim think she's worried or scared, Kelly is careful to deliver his bleak progress report right in front of the child, complete with quivering lip and furrowed brow. She dumps the phone into young Tim's hands. "Daddeeeeeeeeeee," Tim squawks. Bob tries to remember why he wants his son to live, and draws a blank. Bob says that Paris "is okay, but it's no Cleveland." Tim tries to remember why he wants his Dad to come home, and draws a blank. Bob, in a burst of energy, renews his commitment to teaching Tim good grammar at an early age. "I miss you bad," Bob says, thinking, "Me good Hooked on Phonics." Tim skips away merrily, prompting Kelly to blubber something about how brave he is, especially given his outrageously bucked teeth and general heinousness. "I love you guys, and I'll see you soon," Bob says. "But not for Christmas," Kelly brats, hanging up. Bob sighs, irritated at his wife and partly craving the kind of raging herpes only the best Old French Hooker can give.

The roadies are bitching. A redhead who looks shockingly like Tiffany muses that Ebony must be raking in the dough, so she can't fathom why the roadies get nothing, because it could have been so beautiful. "I heard she melts down her gold records for scrap," someone says. Tiffany grins. UnAngie gripes that Ebony won't buy her a $16 hairbrush, and Tiffany grins. Again. A spider-haired roadie laughs that Ebony won't give him new guitar strings, "so I've been faking 'G' for weeks." Tiffany laughs, because he doesn't know she's been faking "O" for even longer. They all exposit the promoter pays for Ebony and the entire staff to stay in first-rate hotels, but she puts the staff in fleapits and pockets the rest. Tiffany grins -- look, please stop. Spider claims that Marli and Terri used to stay in nice hotels as well, and UnAngie notes that when Marli died, Ebony ditched Terri to go solo, because there isn't a Dickens character called Terri.

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A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva’s Christmas Carol Sitting on the winter village set, Bob calls his wife Kelly. She doesn't react well when he says that not only is the paycheck late, but he has to work on Christmas. She wants money. Bob tells her to stop blowing his wad on Glamour and BBQ Doritos, and Kelly's all, "I'm just keepin' it real," and Bob tells her to get her ass a job, and Kelly's all, "I have a job," and Bob's all, "Prostitution isn't your job, it's your hobby," and Tiny Tim's all, "God bless me!" and the dog's all, "Arf!" and The Machine that Goes Bing goes, "Bing." In sum: Bob can't stuff Kelly's Christmas goose, so she'll have to take matters into her own hands. Cough, cough. They fight over his devotion to Ebony, then Kelly bitches that Tim's got high blood pressure and anemia. Lest Tim think she's worried or scared, Kelly is careful to deliver his bleak progress report right in front of the child, complete with quivering lip and furrowed brow. She dumps the phone into young Tim's hands. "Daddeeeeeeeeeee," Tim squawks. Bob tries to remember why he wants his son to live, and draws a blank. Bob says that Paris "is okay, but it's no Cleveland." Tim tries to remember why he wants his Dad to come home, and draws a blank. Bob, in a burst of energy, renews his commitment to teaching Tim good grammar at an early age. "I miss you bad," Bob says, thinking, "Me good Hooked on Phonics." Tim skips away merrily, prompting Kelly to blubber something about how brave he is, especially given his outrageously bucked teeth and general heinousness. "I love you guys, and I'll see you soon," Bob says. "But not for Christmas," Kelly brats, hanging up. Bob sighs, irritated at his wife and partly craving the kind of raging herpes only the best Old French Hooker can give. The roadies are bitching. A redhead who looks shockingly like Tiffany muses that Ebony must be raking in the dough, so she can't fathom why the roadies get nothing, because it could have been so beautiful. "I heard she melts down her gold records for scrap," someone says. Tiffany grins. UnAngie gripes that Ebony won't buy her a $16 hairbrush, and Tiffany grins. Again. A spider-haired roadie laughs that Ebony won't give him new guitar strings, "so I've been faking 'G' for weeks." Tiffany laughs, because he doesn't know she's been faking "O" for even longer. They all exposit the promoter pays for Ebony and the entire staff to stay in first-rate hotels, but she puts the staff in fleapits and pockets the rest. Tiffany grins -- look, please stop. Spider claims that Marli and Terri used to stay in nice hotels as well, and UnAngie notes that when Marli died, Ebony ditched Terri to go solo, because there isn't a Dickens character called Terri.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

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