MONDO EXTRAS

A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva's Christmas Carol

Suddenly, VH-1 flashes on the television screen, discussing Diva behavior and focusing on Ebony and her old group, Desire, which had a hit single in 1988. The song is called "Heartquake," and everyone starts singing along. "If someone moonwalks, I'm going to lose my lunch," says Spider, with way too much precision. Obviously he's not the first, as clearly a warthog just unloaded all over his skull.

Ebony arrives at the airport ticket counter in a fur stole, designer glasses, and something with leopard-print on it. "You look thinner on TV," the flight attendant says, cheerfully. Ebony stares at her as though the woman had just suggested Sandra Bullock be deemed a national treasure. A late flight out of Paris was cancelled, and the flight attendant asks for Ebony's extra first-class seat, which she buys and keeps empty because she "can't spend it having my ear yapped off by some Formica salesman." The attendant offers her a full refund and a fat travel voucher, which Ebony accepts, then halfheartedly backs off and asks Bob if he would like the other expensive seat. He declines, peeved.

A speeding cab screeches to a halt in front of Ebony's hotel. "Maybe they drive like that in Russia, but here in the U.S., we drive with one foot on one pedal at a time," she barks. That was so close to being a good insult. Well, closer than the distance between UPN and quality. Bob wonders why she cancelled the limo, and she complains that it was too expensive. Yeah, as if! She'll pay for an extra empty first-class seat, but she takes a New York City cab? Please. As she makes Bob pay, Ebony steps around a Salvation Army worker. "Save it for the suckers, Grandpa," she warns, at which point he bites back a comment about the manner of sucker Ebony might be. It involved the words "pelvic Hoover."

Next, Ebony gets angry about the absence of screaming fans and reporters. Bob is stunned, because she had insisted on privacy; in Ebony's world, though, that means "leak it to Page Six" and let the adoring crowd swarm. She orders a giant of a security guard, T-Bone, to keep people out of her room for the three hours it will take "to wash the Parisian stink off me." She enters a gorgeous suite, pronounces that "it will do," and kicks everyone out.

Time passes. Ebony emerges from the bedroom in a robe and silk pajamas, her hair down. Ebony fakes a smile as she greets Olivia, her niece. "How did you get past security?" Ebony asks casually, with a trace of annoyance. Olivia grins that T-Bone is nothing, and it's obvious Ebony is plotting ways to make him mincemeat. Olivia invites Ebony to her home for Christmas dinner, and her aunt shoots back something about the innate hideousness of processed turkey, boxed wine, and frozen pie. "I love boxed wine," Olivia says. "So easy to gift-wrap." Olivia then notes that she'll never stop inviting Ebony, because one of these days, Ebony will realize she has no other family. "One day you'll come over and give everyone a heart attack," Olivia smiles. "Whatever it takes," coos Ebony, dismissing her. Hee. As Olivia leaves, Bob enters the room and asks Ebony delightedly if she'll be spending the evening with her niece. Ebony looks as though Bob suggested she munch on puke-dipped maggots atop a bed of shoe leather. Plus, she has a morning show and a photo shoot the next day. "Family is an accident of birth," Ebony spits. "Peace on Earth exists for one reason only -- to sell crap to the masses." She posits that anyone really interested in peace for all mankind would do something about it other than shop, eat, and "dress up old drunks as Santa."

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A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva’s Christmas Carol Suddenly, VH-1 flashes on the television screen, discussing Diva behavior and focusing on Ebony and her old group, Desire, which had a hit single in 1988. The song is called "Heartquake," and everyone starts singing along. "If someone moonwalks, I'm going to lose my lunch," says Spider, with way too much precision. Obviously he's not the first, as clearly a warthog just unloaded all over his skull. Ebony arrives at the airport ticket counter in a fur stole, designer glasses, and something with leopard-print on it. "You look thinner on TV," the flight attendant says, cheerfully. Ebony stares at her as though the woman had just suggested Sandra Bullock be deemed a national treasure. A late flight out of Paris was cancelled, and the flight attendant asks for Ebony's extra first-class seat, which she buys and keeps empty because she "can't spend it having my ear yapped off by some Formica salesman." The attendant offers her a full refund and a fat travel voucher, which Ebony accepts, then halfheartedly backs off and asks Bob if he would like the other expensive seat. He declines, peeved. A speeding cab screeches to a halt in front of Ebony's hotel. "Maybe they drive like that in Russia, but here in the U.S., we drive with one foot on one pedal at a time," she barks. That was so close to being a good insult. Well, closer than the distance between UPN and quality. Bob wonders why she cancelled the limo, and she complains that it was too expensive. Yeah, as if! She'll pay for an extra empty first-class seat, but she takes a New York City cab? Please. As she makes Bob pay, Ebony steps around a Salvation Army worker. "Save it for the suckers, Grandpa," she warns, at which point he bites back a comment about the manner of sucker Ebony might be. It involved the words "pelvic Hoover." Next, Ebony gets angry about the absence of screaming fans and reporters. Bob is stunned, because she had insisted on privacy; in Ebony's world, though, that means "leak it to Page Six" and let the adoring crowd swarm. She orders a giant of a security guard, T-Bone, to keep people out of her room for the three hours it will take "to wash the Parisian stink off me." She enters a gorgeous suite, pronounces that "it will do," and kicks everyone out. Time passes. Ebony emerges from the bedroom in a robe and silk pajamas, her hair down. Ebony fakes a smile as she greets Olivia, her niece. "How did you get past security?" Ebony asks casually, with a trace of annoyance. Olivia grins that T-Bone is nothing, and it's obvious Ebony is plotting ways to make him mincemeat. Olivia invites Ebony to her home for Christmas dinner, and her aunt shoots back something about the innate hideousness of processed turkey, boxed wine, and frozen pie. "I love boxed wine," Olivia says. "So easy to gift-wrap." Olivia then notes that she'll never stop inviting Ebony, because one of these days, Ebony will realize she has no other family. "One day you'll come over and give everyone a heart attack," Olivia smiles. "Whatever it takes," coos Ebony, dismissing her. Hee. As Olivia leaves, Bob enters the room and asks Ebony delightedly if she'll be spending the evening with her niece. Ebony looks as though Bob suggested she munch on puke-dipped maggots atop a bed of shoe leather. Plus, she has a morning show and a photo shoot the next day. "Family is an accident of birth," Ebony spits. "Peace on Earth exists for one reason only -- to sell crap to the masses." She posits that anyone really interested in peace for all mankind would do something about it other than shop, eat, and "dress up old drunks as Santa."

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