MONDO EXTRAS

A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva's Christmas Carol

Enter Kathy Griffin, who has decided to make a career out of redefining the words, "Oh man, not that redhead again." She points out that it's 1:00 AM, time for the first spirit, and she erupts into a cloud of smoke that exposes her as a fairy who's been beaten with the Laura Ashley stick. Ebony -- hah! -- makes a joke about -- whee! -- not giving a tip, because -- snicker! I'm still guffawing! -- she's cheap, folks. Damn. The dead presidents get it, so I think the audience might, too. Kathy magically swaps Laura Ashley for a Gucci coat. Ebony refuses to go along on the spirit's journey through Christmas past, saying the only help she needs is Nytol, or perhaps a Baywatch marathon. Kathy gripes that Ebony is way too annoying and cranky, but she transports them anyway.

The special effects are so bad. I can't even begin. The Wizard of Oz had a better twister. Bill and Ted cruised the time circuits in cooler style.

Ebony exclaims, "Paterson, New Jersey, my hometown!" Why, thank you, Ebony. Kathy cracks that in twenty years, the whole thing disappears and gets replaced by strip malls. Ebony passes Pat's, Old Man Miller's place, and a raft of other Hollywood-style small-town sites -- Ma Watson's Meat-Pie Palace, Joe-Bob McGillicuddy's U-Pick-Em Farmer's Market and City Fire Station, the Soda Shop of Trite Sentimentalism...it's all there. The writers left no stereotype unspewed. And then, her friends run past -- Marli, Jackie, and (get ready) Andy the Fish and Scooter. I rest my case. Kathy notes that Li'l Ebony is notably absent from the festivities, quite possibly because she's planning the annual Paterson "Rub A Pig, Save a Life" festival. Or, she might be singing alone inside a church.

The latter proves true. "It's Christmas Eve and you're practicing scales?" squeaks Kathy. "You should be home on Christmas." Ebony is sad, and Kathy shows us why -- she whisks them to the Scrooge house, where Li'l Ebony is playing charades with her brother Ronnie. Yeah, no wonder she didn't want to go home. She's sick of him miming "Silent Night," then saddling her with some shit like "Adeste Fideles" every year. The father hears the wild fun and storms downstairs, hitting his son and shaking Ebony violently. He sets afire the paper tree the siblings made. "For last time, no Christmas in this house!" He's pissed. His wife's gone. No mama, no presents; no woman, no pie. Whoops, I mean "cry." The grandmother, sitting feebly in a corner, calls child welfare. Social workers come and yank Li'l E and Ronnie from the house, and they're wailing -- not because they hate leaving their Dad, but because they're being taken to separate households. The Dad looks pained. His prodigious afro is flat on one side and he's run out of Schlitz. Whoosh. Now Li'l E is humming in a different church, one that lacks the acoustics to make her sound on key. She's high-school age, and an older Ronnie sneaks in and embraces her. He wants to take Li'l E home -- their father has quit drinking and reformed, he claims, but Li'l E doesn't want to trust him. Ebony rushes us through the following: Dad drank again, Ronnie got married and had Olivia, then died of an aneurysm. Kathy notes Olivia is really Ebony's only family. Ebony's bored of the sad stuff and begs to see a happier memory, but this is fucking Dickens and it's not going to happen, babe.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

Comments

A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva’s Christmas Carol Enter Kathy Griffin, who has decided to make a career out of redefining the words, "Oh man, not that redhead again." She points out that it's 1:00 AM, time for the first spirit, and she erupts into a cloud of smoke that exposes her as a fairy who's been beaten with the Laura Ashley stick. Ebony -- hah! -- makes a joke about -- whee! -- not giving a tip, because -- snicker! I'm still guffawing! -- she's cheap, folks. Damn. The dead presidents get it, so I think the audience might, too. Kathy magically swaps Laura Ashley for a Gucci coat. Ebony refuses to go along on the spirit's journey through Christmas past, saying the only help she needs is Nytol, or perhaps a Baywatch marathon. Kathy gripes that Ebony is way too annoying and cranky, but she transports them anyway. The special effects are so bad. I can't even begin. The Wizard of Oz had a better twister. Bill and Ted cruised the time circuits in cooler style. Ebony exclaims, "Paterson, New Jersey, my hometown!" Why, thank you, Ebony. Kathy cracks that in twenty years, the whole thing disappears and gets replaced by strip malls. Ebony passes Pat's, Old Man Miller's place, and a raft of other Hollywood-style small-town sites -- Ma Watson's Meat-Pie Palace, Joe-Bob McGillicuddy's U-Pick-Em Farmer's Market and City Fire Station, the Soda Shop of Trite Sentimentalism...it's all there. The writers left no stereotype unspewed. And then, her friends run past -- Marli, Jackie, and (get ready) Andy the Fish and Scooter. I rest my case. Kathy notes that Li'l Ebony is notably absent from the festivities, quite possibly because she's planning the annual Paterson "Rub A Pig, Save a Life" festival. Or, she might be singing alone inside a church. The latter proves true. "It's Christmas Eve and you're practicing scales?" squeaks Kathy. "You should be home on Christmas." Ebony is sad, and Kathy shows us why -- she whisks them to the Scrooge house, where Li'l Ebony is playing charades with her brother Ronnie. Yeah, no wonder she didn't want to go home. She's sick of him miming "Silent Night," then saddling her with some shit like "Adeste Fideles" every year. The father hears the wild fun and storms downstairs, hitting his son and shaking Ebony violently. He sets afire the paper tree the siblings made. "For last time, no Christmas in this house!" He's pissed. His wife's gone. No mama, no presents; no woman, no pie. Whoops, I mean "cry." The grandmother, sitting feebly in a corner, calls child welfare. Social workers come and yank Li'l E and Ronnie from the house, and they're wailing -- not because they hate leaving their Dad, but because they're being taken to separate households. The Dad looks pained. His prodigious afro is flat on one side and he's run out of Schlitz. Whoosh. Now Li'l E is humming in a different church, one that lacks the acoustics to make her sound on key. She's high-school age, and an older Ronnie sneaks in and embraces her. He wants to take Li'l E home -- their father has quit drinking and reformed, he claims, but Li'l E doesn't want to trust him. Ebony rushes us through the following: Dad drank again, Ronnie got married and had Olivia, then died of an aneurysm. Kathy notes Olivia is really Ebony's only family. Ebony's bored of the sad stuff and begs to see a happier memory, but this is fucking Dickens and it's not going to happen, babe.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP