MONDO EXTRAS

A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva's Christmas Carol

They leave. Kathy switches into a red dress, and Ebony says, "Nice. It takes attention away from your face." Okay, I laughed. And I agreed.

Cut to a smoky club, where Desire is playing a hometown concert. I spy pink lipstick, stretch pants and chains, feathered hair, hoop earrings, hot-pink mesh fingerless gloves, miniskirts and socks. And shoulder pads bigger than my boobs. It looks like the Goodwill store threw up on the three of them. Ebony's hair is finger-in-socket chic. "Not bad," Kathy lies, damning herself to hell. She sasses Ebony about "Heartquake" and its harmonies, then insults the dancing. "Where I come from, Billie Holliday duets with Otis Redding," she says, smugly. "Nothing worse than a cocky spirit," grunts Ebony. Ebony80 -- my way of differentiating her -- blows a big kiss to Bob Crachit, who is tucked away in the control booth. His crotch stands at attention like a sniper at a Kathie Lee concert. On stage, Terri vomits something about always remembering their first fans, and Desire breaks into a distressing rendition of "Sleigh Ride." Already my least-favorite carol, "Sleigh Ride" has suddenly elevated itself to the potent level of hatred bestowed only upon the likes of Céline Dion and Jewel. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Desire, okay? Stick to the rivers and lakes -- and puddles, in the case of "Heartquake" -- you're used to. "You guys rock the Christmas house," Kathy lies again. She then drops Ebony down a cyclone-looking tunnel thing.

Russell Crowe writes bad songs for his oddly pitiful band. Russell Crowe Song-Lyric Extravaganza, part I: "You treat me like chocolate / Just unwrap it / You treat me like chocolate / Don't choke on it / You treat me like chocolate / Yeah."

Ebony lands in a dingy apartment, in which Ebony80 is in the process of dumping Bob on his ass. She's using every excuse -- she's changing, he isn't; they'll never see each other; he'll forget about her; she's not sure she can trust him to stay faithful; she'll be too busy to pay him the attention he deserves. Memo to Bob: give up. You're a goner. Bob contends that perhaps Ebony80 can't trust herself to stay faithful, and she brushes it off. Ebony80 says she still wants him to be her tour manager. Bob is crushed, and Ebony80's hair is huge. If they remained a couple, the two observations would be related. Ebony gets up and tries to touch a heartbroken Bob, but she can't. Kathy coldly notes that "he was just a tour manager. He wasn't good enough for you." She implies something about Ebony being afraid Bob would leave her, the way everyone else does. Like, say, viewers.

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A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva’s Christmas Carol They leave. Kathy switches into a red dress, and Ebony says, "Nice. It takes attention away from your face." Okay, I laughed. And I agreed. Cut to a smoky club, where Desire is playing a hometown concert. I spy pink lipstick, stretch pants and chains, feathered hair, hoop earrings, hot-pink mesh fingerless gloves, miniskirts and socks. And shoulder pads bigger than my boobs. It looks like the Goodwill store threw up on the three of them. Ebony's hair is finger-in-socket chic. "Not bad," Kathy lies, damning herself to hell. She sasses Ebony about "Heartquake" and its harmonies, then insults the dancing. "Where I come from, Billie Holliday duets with Otis Redding," she says, smugly. "Nothing worse than a cocky spirit," grunts Ebony. Ebony80 -- my way of differentiating her -- blows a big kiss to Bob Crachit, who is tucked away in the control booth. His crotch stands at attention like a sniper at a Kathie Lee concert. On stage, Terri vomits something about always remembering their first fans, and Desire breaks into a distressing rendition of "Sleigh Ride." Already my least-favorite carol, "Sleigh Ride" has suddenly elevated itself to the potent level of hatred bestowed only upon the likes of CĂ©line Dion and Jewel. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Desire, okay? Stick to the rivers and lakes -- and puddles, in the case of "Heartquake" -- you're used to. "You guys rock the Christmas house," Kathy lies again. She then drops Ebony down a cyclone-looking tunnel thing. Russell Crowe writes bad songs for his oddly pitiful band. Russell Crowe Song-Lyric Extravaganza, part I: "You treat me like chocolate / Just unwrap it / You treat me like chocolate / Don't choke on it / You treat me like chocolate / Yeah." Ebony lands in a dingy apartment, in which Ebony80 is in the process of dumping Bob on his ass. She's using every excuse -- she's changing, he isn't; they'll never see each other; he'll forget about her; she's not sure she can trust him to stay faithful; she'll be too busy to pay him the attention he deserves. Memo to Bob: give up. You're a goner. Bob contends that perhaps Ebony80 can't trust herself to stay faithful, and she brushes it off. Ebony80 says she still wants him to be her tour manager. Bob is crushed, and Ebony80's hair is huge. If they remained a couple, the two observations would be related. Ebony gets up and tries to touch a heartbroken Bob, but she can't. Kathy coldly notes that "he was just a tour manager. He wasn't good enough for you." She implies something about Ebony being afraid Bob would leave her, the way everyone else does. Like, say, viewers.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

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