MONDO EXTRAS

A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva's Christmas Carol

Kathy has one more Christmas memory -- the previous year, Terri sits alone in a ramshackle apartment drinking tea. Shuffling to the door, she greets a delivery woman from the homeless shelter, who is providing her a cold Christmas platter. They want her to sing, but Terri coughs that her voice is mostly gone. Ebony is floored and asks what has happened to Terri. "This isn't Where Are They Now?" sniffs Kathy. "That's later." Aw, look, VH-1 is winking at itself. At least someone is. Kathy says Terri tried putting a new Desire together, but Ebony's lawyers crushed her and rendered her destitute. Ebony seethes, "You skinny bitch." In a bit of groundbreaking humor, Kathy gasps, then titters excitedly that Ebony said "skinny." I find that ironic, given that I read an article about Kathy Griffin's "harrowing" experience with liposuction and the pressure to stay thin in Hollywood. Then again, she doesn't look like she's ever puffed out beyond a size six, so I have limited pity for the liposuction thing.

Suddenly, Ebony is lying in her hotel bed panting -- probably for the first time since she stopped riding Bob's crachit. "Never again," she moans, staring at the pills. Suddenly, she hears a wild party going on in her suite's living room. The doors are locked, so she bangs on them and screams, "You are messing with the wrong bitch now!" The clock tolls twice and the doors open. Ebony gasps. The room is totally ravaged. Food litters the floor, and scantily clad women are passed out everywhere. This is Long Duck Dong away from being an epic party for the ages. Three babes are cuddling John Taylor from Duran Duran, and here begins a very odd cameo. He's begging his liquor bottle to suddenly stop being as empty as his music career. John's got long hair, a cowboy hat, leather pants and a vest that's got hot-pink blotches on it. Apparently, no one told him he isn't Steven Tyler. He belches that he's the Spirit of Christmas Present and burps that he's called Steve -- whoa, eerie. Maybe he is Steven Tyler. But to me, he's always John Taylor, my favorite member of Duran Duran and still pretty fucking hot -- if you like decrepit rock-stars who look like wild boys that are hungry like a wolf. Whatever -- at least he hasn't turned into an old woman, like Sting has. John stands up and three busty blondes drop off him onto the floor. He wants to hit the road, and grabs Ebony's wrist. "Nice soft skin," he belches. She's repulsed and they flee.

They hit the roadies' roach motel. "It was nicer in the brochure," Ebony says feebly. She complains to John that it's expensive to travel with a crew that big, but he's having none of it. Spider -- the one who'd been faking G -- walks in with egg nog, and Tiffany recites Tiny Tim's traditional line with saccharine sweetness. This implies that they're all aware of Dickens -- yet, none are bothered or startled by the existence of people called "Ebony Scrooge" and "Bob Crachit." Man, if a Mr. Nicholas Nickleby walked up to me tomorrow, I'd flip my shit, and he was pretty benign, as Dickensians go. UnAngie wants the floor. "To our not-so-benevolent dictator," she grins. "Off with her head!" Ebony is pissed. "They want to like you," lies John. Whatever happened to these spirits being purveyors of truth? "You don't give them a chance," he pukes.

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A Diva's Christmas Carol

by Heathen December 19, 2000
A Diva’s Christmas Carol Kathy has one more Christmas memory -- the previous year, Terri sits alone in a ramshackle apartment drinking tea. Shuffling to the door, she greets a delivery woman from the homeless shelter, who is providing her a cold Christmas platter. They want her to sing, but Terri coughs that her voice is mostly gone. Ebony is floored and asks what has happened to Terri. "This isn't Where Are They Now?" sniffs Kathy. "That's later." Aw, look, VH-1 is winking at itself. At least someone is. Kathy says Terri tried putting a new Desire together, but Ebony's lawyers crushed her and rendered her destitute. Ebony seethes, "You skinny bitch." In a bit of groundbreaking humor, Kathy gasps, then titters excitedly that Ebony said "skinny." I find that ironic, given that I read an article about Kathy Griffin's "harrowing" experience with liposuction and the pressure to stay thin in Hollywood. Then again, she doesn't look like she's ever puffed out beyond a size six, so I have limited pity for the liposuction thing. Suddenly, Ebony is lying in her hotel bed panting -- probably for the first time since she stopped riding Bob's crachit. "Never again," she moans, staring at the pills. Suddenly, she hears a wild party going on in her suite's living room. The doors are locked, so she bangs on them and screams, "You are messing with the wrong bitch now!" The clock tolls twice and the doors open. Ebony gasps. The room is totally ravaged. Food litters the floor, and scantily clad women are passed out everywhere. This is Long Duck Dong away from being an epic party for the ages. Three babes are cuddling John Taylor from Duran Duran, and here begins a very odd cameo. He's begging his liquor bottle to suddenly stop being as empty as his music career. John's got long hair, a cowboy hat, leather pants and a vest that's got hot-pink blotches on it. Apparently, no one told him he isn't Steven Tyler. He belches that he's the Spirit of Christmas Present and burps that he's called Steve -- whoa, eerie. Maybe he is Steven Tyler. But to me, he's always John Taylor, my favorite member of Duran Duran and still pretty fucking hot -- if you like decrepit rock-stars who look like wild boys that are hungry like a wolf. Whatever -- at least he hasn't turned into an old woman, like Sting has. John stands up and three busty blondes drop off him onto the floor. He wants to hit the road, and grabs Ebony's wrist. "Nice soft skin," he belches. She's repulsed and they flee. They hit the roadies' roach motel. "It was nicer in the brochure," Ebony says feebly. She complains to John that it's expensive to travel with a crew that big, but he's having none of it. Spider -- the one who'd been faking G -- walks in with egg nog, and Tiffany recites Tiny Tim's traditional line with saccharine sweetness. This implies that they're all aware of Dickens -- yet, none are bothered or startled by the existence of people called "Ebony Scrooge" and "Bob Crachit." Man, if a Mr. Nicholas Nickleby walked up to me tomorrow, I'd flip my shit, and he was pretty benign, as Dickensians go. UnAngie wants the floor. "To our not-so-benevolent dictator," she grins. "Off with her head!" Ebony is pissed. "They want to like you," lies John. Whatever happened to these spirits being purveyors of truth? "You don't give them a chance," he pukes.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

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