MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

I'm not really sure what we're getting into, here. What I know about Dr. Phil could fit on a postage stamp, so really, this will be a learning experience for us all. It will also be a two-hour commercial for something called "Family First," which is either a book or a...I'm not sure. Maybe it's a diet? All I know is that Dr. Phil has five thousand televisions and he can see into your home with them, and he's judging you as he watches. And he can help. So I decided to learn a little bit about the man and his televisions and his very attractive child before going any further. Also because they're doing that Dateline crap where they show you everything that's going to happen in the next two hours, and I'm sure as hell not recapping it twice.

So Dr. Phil attended the University of Tulsa on a football scholarship until he got injured (but it's okay because he talked to the guy about it and solved all of the guy's problems in twenty minutes, and that man's name? Les Moonves, coincidentally), and finally completed his BA in 1975, at Midwestern State. I've always found the name of Midwestern State University to be pretty cool, because it's content-free, like calling your school "Turn Left at the KFC Day School." Anyway, he went on to get his Master's in Experimental Psychology at the University of North Texas. I've also always found the phrase "experimental psychology" to be pretty funny, because it sounds like a very "Get the Mouse, Murray" kind of approach to things. Like, whatever works, let's try it and see. Or maybe they do experiments on people and use what they learned to then help the people that haven't been experimented on by Dr. Phil. He stayed there and got his PhD in clinical psych in 1979. So that's good, because I was told he was a doctor of podiatry. Finally, I've always been intrigued by the University of North Texas because: what might their radio station be called?

Anyway, he and his father started a practice and then after ten years he realized he had no patience and was bored of having patients, and started a legal expert consultation deal where he would provide expert witness on trials about psychological stuff. This is where he met Oprah Winfrey, during her whole thing with the beef. How it came about that an expert psych witness was necessary in a beef trial is a mystery to me, but I don't care enough to find out. Man, that was a long time ago. I get it confused with the k.d. lang beef problem. Ladies, if the beef troubles of the 1990s taught us anything, it's that a history of heroin use and/or Canadian lesbianism are A-OK with middle America, but don't you dare come out swinging against beef, or you'll never recover. Martha Stewart, if you ever want to get out of jail, just keep your mouth shut about beef unless it's about how to braise it in an attractively-presented carbonade flamande.

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Comments

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

I'm not really sure what we're getting into, here. What I know about Dr. Phil could fit on a postage stamp, so really, this will be a learning experience for us all. It will also be a two-hour commercial for something called "Family First," which is either a book or a...I'm not sure. Maybe it's a diet? All I know is that Dr. Phil has five thousand televisions and he can see into your home with them, and he's judging you as he watches. And he can help. So I decided to learn a little bit about the man and his televisions and his very attractive child before going any further. Also because they're doing that Dateline crap where they show you everything that's going to happen in the next two hours, and I'm sure as hell not recapping it twice.

So Dr. Phil attended the University of Tulsa on a football scholarship until he got injured (but it's okay because he talked to the guy about it and solved all of the guy's problems in twenty minutes, and that man's name? Les Moonves, coincidentally), and finally completed his BA in 1975, at Midwestern State. I've always found the name of Midwestern State University to be pretty cool, because it's content-free, like calling your school "Turn Left at the KFC Day School." Anyway, he went on to get his Master's in Experimental Psychology at the University of North Texas. I've also always found the phrase "experimental psychology" to be pretty funny, because it sounds like a very "Get the Mouse, Murray" kind of approach to things. Like, whatever works, let's try it and see. Or maybe they do experiments on people and use what they learned to then help the people that haven't been experimented on by Dr. Phil. He stayed there and got his PhD in clinical psych in 1979. So that's good, because I was told he was a doctor of podiatry. Finally, I've always been intrigued by the University of North Texas because: what might their radio station be called?

Anyway, he and his father started a practice and then after ten years he realized he had no patience and was bored of having patients, and started a legal expert consultation deal where he would provide expert witness on trials about psychological stuff. This is where he met Oprah Winfrey, during her whole thing with the beef. How it came about that an expert psych witness was necessary in a beef trial is a mystery to me, but I don't care enough to find out. Man, that was a long time ago. I get it confused with the k.d. lang beef problem. Ladies, if the beef troubles of the 1990s taught us anything, it's that a history of heroin use and/or Canadian lesbianism are A-OK with middle America, but don't you dare come out swinging against beef, or you'll never recover. Martha Stewart, if you ever want to get out of jail, just keep your mouth shut about beef unless it's about how to braise it in an attractively-presented carbonade flamande.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27Next

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