MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

He tells them that the book includes "the Five Factors for Phenomenal Families," and they share my look of relief that there are only five. I think probably the first one is "your parents are Sandy and Kirsten Cohen." The one he wants to tell them about is "create an environment that pulls for everybody having a chance to be who they authentically and uniquely are." Whatever he means, they don't care, they stare boredly into space. He tells them the thing they need to do is find 30 minutes at least five days a week to work on their Parenting Plan for each child. And put the rhythm back in the home. And these are okay things, even though the rhythm thing is still quite vague, but see, then he goes to the creepy place again and is all, "We're going to be watching you like a hawk." And he smiles like, "I'm not really a storm trooper, I just know you need me to be like this," and honestly? I don't think anybody needs that kind of thing, except maybe Dr. Phil. Outside their hideous house, Dr. Phil tells us that he left the hidden cameras in the house even after he left, so we'll go back and spy on them more later and see what little effect he had on them. And after the commercials, it seems Dr. Phil will be potty-training Holly Robinson-Peete. Good luck with that.

During the commercials there's a tiny commercial by Dr. Phil about how we're watching his Prime Time Special Family First, which...is a commercial, for a book, which is itself a commercial for a TV show, which is mostly a commercial for a guy, but which is also currently going on. Have you ever read The Mouse and His Child? It's a children's book about recursive iteration, and it's really good, and it's just like this: commercials inside commercials masquerading as TV shows for books containing information from a TV show posing as a viable replacement to actual therapy. And the thing you learn about recursive iteration is that entropy takes hold pretty early in, and things get lossy, so like, the next best thing to this TV Special is reading the book, like instead of just one of the "Five Factors" you get all five, and best next to that is watching the show daily, and next to that is meeting him personally, and the best thing of all is to actually be Dr. Phil, because the signal-to-noise ratio is so excellent at that distance.

Back on set, Dr. Phil wants you to know that you are scarring your child every BUY MY BOOK without even knowing it. Then there are a bunch of celebrities saying poo-poo and pee-pee, and the audience finds this hilarious. Shots of kids on toilets screaming, studio audience laughing at the screaming children. Dr. Phil can potty-train your kids in less than one day, he says. Fantastic. Nothing I like better than stories of potty-training. Here's the thing. I consider it my duty to put the children of the world on blast, because we all seem to have forgotten that cradled in every mother's loving arms is a tiny little Anne Heche waiting to escape. Children are insane, lunatics all, and there is no finer support for this truism than the fact that they resist potty-training, which anyone should be able to agree is a good, rational thing. Only a crazy person would work so hard to avoid it. Anyway, it's gross, and parents forget that because they have to live with it every day so they assume that everyone has someone in their life that simply refuses to get the job done right. Lecture over. But just in case this wasn't painful enough, we have to deal with the Four Horses of Celebrity Irrelevance on top of it: Brian Austin Green, his wife Vanessa Marcil, Holly Robinson-Peete, and her husband, whose name is even less important (for the record, it's Rodney). Who are these people? If you don't know, say a silent prayer of thanks. And, and? Their kids' names are Cassius and Robinson. So to review, Brian Austin Green (who still manages to avoid the Puberty Fairy, as Brenda Hampton would call it) named his son Cassius. Like being David Silver's firstborn isn't bad enough.

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Comments

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

He tells them that the book includes "the Five Factors for Phenomenal Families," and they share my look of relief that there are only five. I think probably the first one is "your parents are Sandy and Kirsten Cohen." The one he wants to tell them about is "create an environment that pulls for everybody having a chance to be who they authentically and uniquely are." Whatever he means, they don't care, they stare boredly into space. He tells them the thing they need to do is find 30 minutes at least five days a week to work on their Parenting Plan for each child. And put the rhythm back in the home. And these are okay things, even though the rhythm thing is still quite vague, but see, then he goes to the creepy place again and is all, "We're going to be watching you like a hawk." And he smiles like, "I'm not really a storm trooper, I just know you need me to be like this," and honestly? I don't think anybody needs that kind of thing, except maybe Dr. Phil. Outside their hideous house, Dr. Phil tells us that he left the hidden cameras in the house even after he left, so we'll go back and spy on them more later and see what little effect he had on them. And after the commercials, it seems Dr. Phil will be potty-training Holly Robinson-Peete. Good luck with that.

During the commercials there's a tiny commercial by Dr. Phil about how we're watching his Prime Time Special Family First, which...is a commercial, for a book, which is itself a commercial for a TV show, which is mostly a commercial for a guy, but which is also currently going on. Have you ever read The Mouse and His Child? It's a children's book about recursive iteration, and it's really good, and it's just like this: commercials inside commercials masquerading as TV shows for books containing information from a TV show posing as a viable replacement to actual therapy. And the thing you learn about recursive iteration is that entropy takes hold pretty early in, and things get lossy, so like, the next best thing to this TV Special is reading the book, like instead of just one of the "Five Factors" you get all five, and best next to that is watching the show daily, and next to that is meeting him personally, and the best thing of all is to actually be Dr. Phil, because the signal-to-noise ratio is so excellent at that distance.

Back on set, Dr. Phil wants you to know that you are scarring your child every BUY MY BOOK without even knowing it. Then there are a bunch of celebrities saying poo-poo and pee-pee, and the audience finds this hilarious. Shots of kids on toilets screaming, studio audience laughing at the screaming children. Dr. Phil can potty-train your kids in less than one day, he says. Fantastic. Nothing I like better than stories of potty-training. Here's the thing. I consider it my duty to put the children of the world on blast, because we all seem to have forgotten that cradled in every mother's loving arms is a tiny little Anne Heche waiting to escape. Children are insane, lunatics all, and there is no finer support for this truism than the fact that they resist potty-training, which anyone should be able to agree is a good, rational thing. Only a crazy person would work so hard to avoid it. Anyway, it's gross, and parents forget that because they have to live with it every day so they assume that everyone has someone in their life that simply refuses to get the job done right. Lecture over. But just in case this wasn't painful enough, we have to deal with the Four Horses of Celebrity Irrelevance on top of it: Brian Austin Green, his wife Vanessa Marcil, Holly Robinson-Peete, and her husband, whose name is even less important (for the record, it's Rodney). Who are these people? If you don't know, say a silent prayer of thanks. And, and? Their kids' names are Cassius and Robinson. So to review, Brian Austin Green (who still manages to avoid the Puberty Fairy, as Brenda Hampton would call it) named his son Cassius. Like being David Silver's firstborn isn't bad enough.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27Next

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See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

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