MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

Dad tells Eric that it quite possibly wasn't Eric that wiped shit all over the wall, but thanks for cleaning it up. Dr. Phil points out that this is retarded. He suggests that they take everything out of Eric's room but the bed, and the parents gasp, and he kind of hubristically calls it "commando parenting." (Has Mark Burnett heard of this?) Dr. Phil says that now "Your job is to catch him doing things right," and to shower him with attention. "You are in a power struggle, and the price of poker just went up." I don't even know what that means, but I do appreciate Dr. Phil's consistency in mixing dumb metaphors and not making any damn sense on the word-by-word level.

To prove just how high the oil and water have risen, unmixing, in this poker game we call Hollywood, Chinatown, Beyond the Thunderdome, Dr. Phil shows us some of the random number of signs of a blooming serial killer: they include nine that are present in Eric. To find out the other five, you could BUY THE BOOK, I think is the implication. Apparently, Eric has made suicide threats, engaged in bedwetting, has an alcoholic history (?), makes a practice of being intelligent and male, exhibits fetishism, and enjoys torturing animals, fire-starting, and psychiatric problems. Some of these seem kind of redundant: psychiatric problems? You're telling me some serial killers have those? Or like, yeah, my kid's suicidal, tortures animals, and is a real firebug, but at least he doesn't have psychiatric problems.

Dr. Phil tells the parents of Eric, in a very portentous way, that Eric has nine of the signs, while Jeffrey Dahmer...had only seven. Plus the very important one of murdering people, serially, which I for some reason did not see on the list. Everyone in the whole world gasps, because it's shocking how crazy this poor kid is. "Does that tell you you're raising a serial killer? No." There's a thing here that's different, see, because -- get this -- Eric is lucky enough to have two parents that care about him, and care about his future. Other serial killers often did not have two parents, and that makes Psycho Eric special. This tastes kind of Dr. Laura-y, because yeah, he's got two parents, but they're the kind of parents who totally whore out their fucked-up kid on TV so other people can gasp and ogle it. But at least he's not from a broken home. Mom's out in the audience, and Phil asks her how she feels about watching the video blender of things she's already seen on Dateline and 48 Hours and probably Oprah and on HBO, and she says "Bad" but she means "Bored." Dad actually says, "Boys will be boys," but it seems like he's starting to get it. Dr. Phil tells them that Eric is acting out what's going on in the family, and I really don't think that's true. I think that Eric has a treatable disorder. But schizophrenia cannot be solved by BUYING THE BOOK, so that diagnosis is out the window.

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Comments

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

Dad tells Eric that it quite possibly wasn't Eric that wiped shit all over the wall, but thanks for cleaning it up. Dr. Phil points out that this is retarded. He suggests that they take everything out of Eric's room but the bed, and the parents gasp, and he kind of hubristically calls it "commando parenting." (Has Mark Burnett heard of this?) Dr. Phil says that now "Your job is to catch him doing things right," and to shower him with attention. "You are in a power struggle, and the price of poker just went up." I don't even know what that means, but I do appreciate Dr. Phil's consistency in mixing dumb metaphors and not making any damn sense on the word-by-word level.

To prove just how high the oil and water have risen, unmixing, in this poker game we call Hollywood, Chinatown, Beyond the Thunderdome, Dr. Phil shows us some of the random number of signs of a blooming serial killer: they include nine that are present in Eric. To find out the other five, you could BUY THE BOOK, I think is the implication. Apparently, Eric has made suicide threats, engaged in bedwetting, has an alcoholic history (?), makes a practice of being intelligent and male, exhibits fetishism, and enjoys torturing animals, fire-starting, and psychiatric problems. Some of these seem kind of redundant: psychiatric problems? You're telling me some serial killers have those? Or like, yeah, my kid's suicidal, tortures animals, and is a real firebug, but at least he doesn't have psychiatric problems.

Dr. Phil tells the parents of Eric, in a very portentous way, that Eric has nine of the signs, while Jeffrey Dahmer...had only seven. Plus the very important one of murdering people, serially, which I for some reason did not see on the list. Everyone in the whole world gasps, because it's shocking how crazy this poor kid is. "Does that tell you you're raising a serial killer? No." There's a thing here that's different, see, because -- get this -- Eric is lucky enough to have two parents that care about him, and care about his future. Other serial killers often did not have two parents, and that makes Psycho Eric special. This tastes kind of Dr. Laura-y, because yeah, he's got two parents, but they're the kind of parents who totally whore out their fucked-up kid on TV so other people can gasp and ogle it. But at least he's not from a broken home. Mom's out in the audience, and Phil asks her how she feels about watching the video blender of things she's already seen on Dateline and 48 Hours and probably Oprah and on HBO, and she says "Bad" but she means "Bored." Dad actually says, "Boys will be boys," but it seems like he's starting to get it. Dr. Phil tells them that Eric is acting out what's going on in the family, and I really don't think that's true. I think that Eric has a treatable disorder. But schizophrenia cannot be solved by BUYING THE BOOK, so that diagnosis is out the window.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27Next

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