MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

Dr. Phil says that it's possible to save this family and this child, but the parents have to be willing to give their all: maybe the Dad will have to quit his time-consuming job, and maybe they will have to buy a smaller house or older cars in order to make more time for him. Dr. Phil admits that Eric can be delightful, he's clever and quick and smart and charming and fun (I believe him, but it would have been nice to see), when he's not full of demons and murderous thoughts and making people bleed, so that's good. "You have good things to work with. But you have to put FAMILERICA FIRST. I have great hope but you cannot deny you are in a crisis." He turns to us and tells us that he'll be working with this family all season on "my show that you watch during the day."

And I'm sure it'll be during fucking sweeps, and all the gals in the typing pool or on the night shift can be like, Did you see Dr. Phil? They had that poor little boy on again. "Oh, that one kid?" Yeah. "Oh, his poor mother." The suffering that poor family has gone through. Breaks my heart, I can't stand it. "Will it be on again tomorrow?" Hell yeah, all week. "I'm there. Wait, can you record it for me? They're showing conjoined twins getting separated on Tony Danza and I hear one of them won't live."

What the stars learned from their parents: Nicole Kidman's mother taught her not to let anyone break her spirit; "you can let them tame it a little bit but don't let them break it." Like, you can join their weird religion, and have creepy alien sex with them (or pretend to), even when they get braces, and you can get little mysterious babies from Central Casting with them, but at the end of the day, you're only tamed, not broken, and there's a Moulin Rouge waiting. If you then wait a few years and make the hat trick of Dogville, The Human Stain, and The Stepford Wives, well, you might have broken yourself, but Momma didn't teach her about that. ["Or about hair dye mixology. Not so blonde, Nic!" -- Sars] Tobey Maguire was taught that anything you achieve in life, you must imagine it first and then go for it. And I was going to make a joke about this whole alleged thing I heard about what Tobey enjoys having done during his intimate times with the ladies, but I didn't want to imagine it, because then according to Tobey, it might happen to me, and it sounds very startling. Allegedly.

Xtina's Mom taught her to pick up a stack of quarters without using her hands. Kim Basinger learned that all life is valuable, and should be treated equally. That's about as vanilla as anything I would expect to come out of Kim Basinger. Charlize Theron's mom taught her to aim between the eyes. That one was unkind, I apologize. Jessica Simpson's mother is actually her father, strangely enough. Halle Barry's mother taught her to be colorblind and respect black women of cinema, but also that beauty is as beauty does, and you have to be good inside or else the outside is meaningless. Unless you run somebody over, then it's beautiful to drive away as fast as you can. Britney, Beyoncé, Mandy, and Hilary's moms and dads taught them to buy their parents things and wear gross clothes. Cher's mom told her she was nothing special in terms of looks or intelligence or humor, but if you put it all together, you become super-duper Cher. I like that.

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A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

Dr. Phil says that it's possible to save this family and this child, but the parents have to be willing to give their all: maybe the Dad will have to quit his time-consuming job, and maybe they will have to buy a smaller house or older cars in order to make more time for him. Dr. Phil admits that Eric can be delightful, he's clever and quick and smart and charming and fun (I believe him, but it would have been nice to see), when he's not full of demons and murderous thoughts and making people bleed, so that's good. "You have good things to work with. But you have to put FAMILERICA FIRST. I have great hope but you cannot deny you are in a crisis." He turns to us and tells us that he'll be working with this family all season on "my show that you watch during the day."

And I'm sure it'll be during fucking sweeps, and all the gals in the typing pool or on the night shift can be like, Did you see Dr. Phil? They had that poor little boy on again. "Oh, that one kid?" Yeah. "Oh, his poor mother." The suffering that poor family has gone through. Breaks my heart, I can't stand it. "Will it be on again tomorrow?" Hell yeah, all week. "I'm there. Wait, can you record it for me? They're showing conjoined twins getting separated on Tony Danza and I hear one of them won't live."

What the stars learned from their parents: Nicole Kidman's mother taught her not to let anyone break her spirit; "you can let them tame it a little bit but don't let them break it." Like, you can join their weird religion, and have creepy alien sex with them (or pretend to), even when they get braces, and you can get little mysterious babies from Central Casting with them, but at the end of the day, you're only tamed, not broken, and there's a Moulin Rouge waiting. If you then wait a few years and make the hat trick of Dogville, The Human Stain, and The Stepford Wives, well, you might have broken yourself, but Momma didn't teach her about that. ["Or about hair dye mixology. Not so blonde, Nic!" -- Sars] Tobey Maguire was taught that anything you achieve in life, you must imagine it first and then go for it. And I was going to make a joke about this whole alleged thing I heard about what Tobey enjoys having done during his intimate times with the ladies, but I didn't want to imagine it, because then according to Tobey, it might happen to me, and it sounds very startling. Allegedly.

Xtina's Mom taught her to pick up a stack of quarters without using her hands. Kim Basinger learned that all life is valuable, and should be treated equally. That's about as vanilla as anything I would expect to come out of Kim Basinger. Charlize Theron's mom taught her to aim between the eyes. That one was unkind, I apologize. Jessica Simpson's mother is actually her father, strangely enough. Halle Barry's mother taught her to be colorblind and respect black women of cinema, but also that beauty is as beauty does, and you have to be good inside or else the outside is meaningless. Unless you run somebody over, then it's beautiful to drive away as fast as you can. Britney, Beyoncé, Mandy, and Hilary's moms and dads taught them to buy their parents things and wear gross clothes. Cher's mom told her she was nothing special in terms of looks or intelligence or humor, but if you put it all together, you become super-duper Cher. I like that.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27Next

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