MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

Patricia Heaton and Amy Brenneman are not only moms but play them on TV. It's amazing! I have never seen either of them in a show, but I have seen Patricia Heaton interviewed and I'm pretty sure she thinks she's better than me. The jury's still out on whether that's true, though, so I'm not really offended. It's entirely possible that she is. Patricia has three or four sons, and Amy has a daughter, who's adorable, and whom she brings to work with her. Don't judge her! I'm laughing because I don't even know what her show is about. Never even thought about it until just now, when I was thinking it would be cool as like the anti-Gilmore Girls, about this Connecticut town with a single mother named Amy and everybody just sits around talking about what a fallen woman she is. "Watcha doin', Taylor Doose?" "Just judgin' Amy. You?" But I doubt that's what it's about. (Dear Tina Fey: You like? Want more? Email me at jacob@televisionwithoutpity.com. I'm really good at tripping over things and I can try to overlook getting molested by Horatio Sanz.)

Patricia Heaton's kids are in school. They both feel that it's okay to be a working mom. Phil does some leading of the witness so that Amy will say it was a mistake to be a working mom. She cried this one time and complained to the people of her show, and another time her manager put it best when she said that she "felt divided between her two children." Patricia feels guilty every single day, she says, but I don't think she means it. Why should she? "Don't you think all moms are concerned about that?" asks Patricia Heaton. Dr. Phil says most moms are not guilty but scared every day that they are scarring their children for life. Okay? Patricia does not ask for clarification, which is good, because Phil's kind of stuck on this idea. Patricia feels like she doesn't have time to do a bunch of things, but Good Cop points out that she still gets up in the morning and shovels Cheerios for them. She gives Phil some ammo by telling how she once yelled at her third son. She's a good actor so she scares the shit out of Phil by then acting it out. It's pretty funny. Then she acts it out again because she loves attention, and she stomps. Then she says, "I stomped! Who stomps except in cartoons!" He doesn't know what to do about that. Speechless Dr. Phil is like a beautiful painting of the Pieta.

What's the worst thing you've ever done as a mom, Patricia? Her oldest son always reminds her of the time she punched a hole in the door. Phil looks at her like she's a murderer. She laughs at the fact that she's saying this on TV, then goes into this embarrassing discussion of how she didn't actually punch the door, but opened it violently, and something on the other side made a hole in the door, but Phil's ADD is kicking in majorly on this so he stops her. Then she flips it on Phil and asks about his losses of temper and failures as a parent, and he tells her straight up "No, this is my interview." They laugh, but he's totally fucking serious. Then he Good Cops that children in a perfect, silent environment where nobody has feelings will fuck you up, so there are good things about showing emotion. I love how he's giving her permission to live her life the way she always has. He forgot he was asking her for advice for TV and started thinking she was asking for his damn opinion.

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A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

Patricia Heaton and Amy Brenneman are not only moms but play them on TV. It's amazing! I have never seen either of them in a show, but I have seen Patricia Heaton interviewed and I'm pretty sure she thinks she's better than me. The jury's still out on whether that's true, though, so I'm not really offended. It's entirely possible that she is. Patricia has three or four sons, and Amy has a daughter, who's adorable, and whom she brings to work with her. Don't judge her! I'm laughing because I don't even know what her show is about. Never even thought about it until just now, when I was thinking it would be cool as like the anti-Gilmore Girls, about this Connecticut town with a single mother named Amy and everybody just sits around talking about what a fallen woman she is. "Watcha doin', Taylor Doose?" "Just judgin' Amy. You?" But I doubt that's what it's about. (Dear Tina Fey: You like? Want more? Email me at jacob@televisionwithoutpity.com. I'm really good at tripping over things and I can try to overlook getting molested by Horatio Sanz.)

Patricia Heaton's kids are in school. They both feel that it's okay to be a working mom. Phil does some leading of the witness so that Amy will say it was a mistake to be a working mom. She cried this one time and complained to the people of her show, and another time her manager put it best when she said that she "felt divided between her two children." Patricia feels guilty every single day, she says, but I don't think she means it. Why should she? "Don't you think all moms are concerned about that?" asks Patricia Heaton. Dr. Phil says most moms are not guilty but scared every day that they are scarring their children for life. Okay? Patricia does not ask for clarification, which is good, because Phil's kind of stuck on this idea. Patricia feels like she doesn't have time to do a bunch of things, but Good Cop points out that she still gets up in the morning and shovels Cheerios for them. She gives Phil some ammo by telling how she once yelled at her third son. She's a good actor so she scares the shit out of Phil by then acting it out. It's pretty funny. Then she acts it out again because she loves attention, and she stomps. Then she says, "I stomped! Who stomps except in cartoons!" He doesn't know what to do about that. Speechless Dr. Phil is like a beautiful painting of the Pieta.

What's the worst thing you've ever done as a mom, Patricia? Her oldest son always reminds her of the time she punched a hole in the door. Phil looks at her like she's a murderer. She laughs at the fact that she's saying this on TV, then goes into this embarrassing discussion of how she didn't actually punch the door, but opened it violently, and something on the other side made a hole in the door, but Phil's ADD is kicking in majorly on this so he stops her. Then she flips it on Phil and asks about his losses of temper and failures as a parent, and he tells her straight up "No, this is my interview." They laugh, but he's totally fucking serious. Then he Good Cops that children in a perfect, silent environment where nobody has feelings will fuck you up, so there are good things about showing emotion. I love how he's giving her permission to live her life the way she always has. He forgot he was asking her for advice for TV and started thinking she was asking for his damn opinion.

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