MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

On set, Phil says, "You think you can buy her love." She stupidly contradicts him, saying, "I know she loves me, that's not the problem, it's just that if she asks for something and I don't provide it, she'll throw a fit." Remember that Twilight Zone where the little boy would take away your mouth or make you a cartoon? Or was that in the movie? ["It was the movie. The mouthless sister freaked my shit right out, and if I recall correctly, her name was Sarah and my brother would NOT STOP talking about how awesome that was…okay, it's 'Sara,' but holy shit, she's played by Cherie Currie from Foxes! Anyway." -- Sars] I remember one where the little kid just kept teleporting people out into the field. I would like to send this lady and the Horvaths into the field. "At what point," asks Dr. Phil, somewhat rhetorically, "did we decide parenting should be easy? Did you think parenting would be easy?" No. But get her answer: I really think somebody should have told me how hard it was going to be, or given me some kind of instruction. Luckily, I have BUY THE BOOK right here that will tell you every single thing you need to know. Give me some money.

Phil tells the lady...almost exactly what I said up there. Awesome. All about how she freaks out because Mom has set it up so Kylie feels betrayed, on this like spiritual level. He goes on to cut loose with some scary facts: In the letter she wrote begging for Dr. Phil's help (and to be on TV), she mentioned that there was blood dripping off of her from a Kylie bite. Like actually as she was writing the letter. My God. That kind of gets to me actually, because I can picture her being all, I'm having a rough day, and then her daughter bites her and there's blood everywhere, and she's hit rock bottom, so much so that she pulls out a piece of paper and writes begging the Wiz to help her out. That's such a low moment and I can see it so perfectly, like when you've just had enough and you need somebody on TV to get you out of it. Ugh. Terrible. So Dr. Phil's all sympathetic as he asks, "So how is that working out for you?" Ouch. She'll start bleeding again, dude.

Dr. Phil points out the totally salient fact that Kylie is four! When you don't get it done for her she bites you! And now here come the Bad Cop scare tactics. Juvenile delinquents come from two kinds of parents: parents who are too restrictive, whose children rebel, and the other half come from permissive parents, whose kids don't see the value of anything. So basically...either way you're screwed and you should BUY THE BOOK. All of these children, he says, end up promiscuous and on drugs. I love how he's all, serial killer yadda yadda, just build a tree house or something, but when he really wants to scare the shit out of you, he starts talking about your kid having sex. Like that's as bad as setting fire to small animals. Horrors!

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A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

On set, Phil says, "You think you can buy her love." She stupidly contradicts him, saying, "I know she loves me, that's not the problem, it's just that if she asks for something and I don't provide it, she'll throw a fit." Remember that Twilight Zone where the little boy would take away your mouth or make you a cartoon? Or was that in the movie? ["It was the movie. The mouthless sister freaked my shit right out, and if I recall correctly, her name was Sarah and my brother would NOT STOP talking about how awesome that was…okay, it's 'Sara,' but holy shit, she's played by Cherie Currie from Foxes! Anyway." -- Sars] I remember one where the little kid just kept teleporting people out into the field. I would like to send this lady and the Horvaths into the field. "At what point," asks Dr. Phil, somewhat rhetorically, "did we decide parenting should be easy? Did you think parenting would be easy?" No. But get her answer: I really think somebody should have told me how hard it was going to be, or given me some kind of instruction. Luckily, I have BUY THE BOOK right here that will tell you every single thing you need to know. Give me some money.

Phil tells the lady...almost exactly what I said up there. Awesome. All about how she freaks out because Mom has set it up so Kylie feels betrayed, on this like spiritual level. He goes on to cut loose with some scary facts: In the letter she wrote begging for Dr. Phil's help (and to be on TV), she mentioned that there was blood dripping off of her from a Kylie bite. Like actually as she was writing the letter. My God. That kind of gets to me actually, because I can picture her being all, I'm having a rough day, and then her daughter bites her and there's blood everywhere, and she's hit rock bottom, so much so that she pulls out a piece of paper and writes begging the Wiz to help her out. That's such a low moment and I can see it so perfectly, like when you've just had enough and you need somebody on TV to get you out of it. Ugh. Terrible. So Dr. Phil's all sympathetic as he asks, "So how is that working out for you?" Ouch. She'll start bleeding again, dude.

Dr. Phil points out the totally salient fact that Kylie is four! When you don't get it done for her she bites you! And now here come the Bad Cop scare tactics. Juvenile delinquents come from two kinds of parents: parents who are too restrictive, whose children rebel, and the other half come from permissive parents, whose kids don't see the value of anything. So basically...either way you're screwed and you should BUY THE BOOK. All of these children, he says, end up promiscuous and on drugs. I love how he's all, serial killer yadda yadda, just build a tree house or something, but when he really wants to scare the shit out of you, he starts talking about your kid having sex. Like that's as bad as setting fire to small animals. Horrors!

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