MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

"He whines and cries and you just give in and turn it back on? You need to step up to being a parent and realize that you are hurting him. You have convinced me that you aren't strong enough." Ouch. He tells her to go home and take the TVs out of the house and, when this Primetime Special airs, she can go watch it at a neighbor's house. Because nothing really brings a neighborhood closer together like the televised humiliation of someone down the street. They should have a freaking block party. She promises to take the TVs out of the house for 30 days. He promises that she will be amazed by how creative, animated, and energetic Dylan becomes. "It better work," she laughs. Dr. Phil puts out a cigarette in her eye for questioning him. Just kidding. Well, kind of. He says, in such a tone, "I guarantee you he won't be able to watch a TV that isn't there." Which is actually Esperanto for don't EVER fucking question me again, retard.

Now Dr. Phil is going to raise your child's IQ 24 points. "Listen up," he says. Visions of Charlie Gordon go dancing through my head. I wonder how many points he could have raised your child's IQ tonight without all the bonehead celebrity fluff crap. Tobey Maguire? On parenting? What? Hell, if we'd left out the damned potty training we could have a nation of super-geniuses, I bet. Dr. Phil tells us that there are 50 simple things you can do to raise a child's IQ. Here are only three of them, because BUY THE BOOK. School bores John, an intelligent and very skinny young man. Krysha, under the brunt of her name, I'd imagine, is lacking self-confidence, and gives herself hives. Justin, chubby and troubled, finds focusing difficult, and lately has been coming home kind of bummed. Dr. Phil got this guy from Mensa (ooh, Mensa) to come in and test their IQs and make judgments about their personalities and lifestyles and then use tips from BUY MY BOOK.

One problem the Mensa dude notes right away is that "John stops breathing" and that's apparently a problem. The kids are told to try "deep breathing" to get more oxygen to the brain, so they all...breathe deeply. Mensa Dude tells us again that Krysha stresses out about tests and worries about school and messing up. His suggestion to her is to do rhythmic stuff, like dancing. This part is awesome because the guy is playing this drum and swaying but still wearing his suit and tie, and saying shit like, "Feel that rhythm inside you. It's the oldest medicine we know!" Justin's problem is that...I guess that he is not a samurai? That's what Mensa Guy says once the rhythmic dancing is over. "Think of it like a martial arts samurai. Let it all go, and focus." He makes the kids all focus on his fist moving around in the air. I love this man.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27Next

Comments

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

"He whines and cries and you just give in and turn it back on? You need to step up to being a parent and realize that you are hurting him. You have convinced me that you aren't strong enough." Ouch. He tells her to go home and take the TVs out of the house and, when this Primetime Special airs, she can go watch it at a neighbor's house. Because nothing really brings a neighborhood closer together like the televised humiliation of someone down the street. They should have a freaking block party. She promises to take the TVs out of the house for 30 days. He promises that she will be amazed by how creative, animated, and energetic Dylan becomes. "It better work," she laughs. Dr. Phil puts out a cigarette in her eye for questioning him. Just kidding. Well, kind of. He says, in such a tone, "I guarantee you he won't be able to watch a TV that isn't there." Which is actually Esperanto for don't EVER fucking question me again, retard.

Now Dr. Phil is going to raise your child's IQ 24 points. "Listen up," he says. Visions of Charlie Gordon go dancing through my head. I wonder how many points he could have raised your child's IQ tonight without all the bonehead celebrity fluff crap. Tobey Maguire? On parenting? What? Hell, if we'd left out the damned potty training we could have a nation of super-geniuses, I bet. Dr. Phil tells us that there are 50 simple things you can do to raise a child's IQ. Here are only three of them, because BUY THE BOOK. School bores John, an intelligent and very skinny young man. Krysha, under the brunt of her name, I'd imagine, is lacking self-confidence, and gives herself hives. Justin, chubby and troubled, finds focusing difficult, and lately has been coming home kind of bummed. Dr. Phil got this guy from Mensa (ooh, Mensa) to come in and test their IQs and make judgments about their personalities and lifestyles and then use tips from BUY MY BOOK.

One problem the Mensa dude notes right away is that "John stops breathing" and that's apparently a problem. The kids are told to try "deep breathing" to get more oxygen to the brain, so they all...breathe deeply. Mensa Dude tells us again that Krysha stresses out about tests and worries about school and messing up. His suggestion to her is to do rhythmic stuff, like dancing. This part is awesome because the guy is playing this drum and swaying but still wearing his suit and tie, and saying shit like, "Feel that rhythm inside you. It's the oldest medicine we know!" Justin's problem is that...I guess that he is not a samurai? That's what Mensa Guy says once the rhythmic dancing is over. "Think of it like a martial arts samurai. Let it all go, and focus." He makes the kids all focus on his fist moving around in the air. I love this man.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP