MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

But get this: due to this contretemps, Mr. H has stopped speaking to the child. For the last year. Which is fine, if all they did were sit and watch TV with their eyes glazed over, not talking to each other, but sometimes, like when Mommy threatens to strangle or choke, family communication is important. Mr. H is, again, a wuss, and a tool and a half. That's so stupid. And of course Mrs. H thinks so, but doesn't do anything about it. "You're his father," she screams nearly incoherently, but perfectly brilliantly, "you don't have the choice of stepping into a role or stepping out." But it's that same nightie-in-nightcam shot, so it's creepy instead of well-said. "I've decided to wash my hands of my son, because it was a protest on my part, to my wife." My italics, so you'll understand how this is where I called the cops on these people. Cut back to Mrs. H, screaming at Mr. H about how the child in question heard "every insulting, belittling thing" that Mr. H said during some fight about his "protest" against his wife. So now by comparison, I don't hate Mrs. H as much, because I only have so much hate, but further, I now hate her husband more than her.

Now it's the kid, who is speaking very forthrightly about how his father thinks he is "a disgrace" and has no "work ethic, or any sort of thing to make him proud." Even though you took your trampoline to State? This kid's pretty cool, talking very journalistically about the incredible abuse he's suffering as though he were just telling us how his day has been. Complete Patty Hearst deadening of the emotions is one thing he can share with Dad, at least. On the bed, Mighty Nightie screams, "Your parenting skills suck, [Kettle]! Get back in the game, and start doing your fucking fatherly shit, or pack your shit and get the fuck out," which is worthwhile, and then Mr. and Mrs. start telling us almost jovially about how abusive she is and how she tried to throw Mr. H down the stairs one time. These people are odious. I hate siding with her, but I imagine it's wearying to have to co-parent with a guy like this. Especially if you're deeply insane yourself. It's an uphill battle.

Cut to the hoss daughter, who's all, "Every once in a while it gets to the point where it scares me," and we cut to Mommy telling Mr. H how she'd love to beat his ass, and I'm like, would that scary point be every morning of your life? "I feel like I need to be in the middle of that fight or something, just to make it stop." What a middle child thing to say. Maybe she became the middle child when Derek became disenfranchised. And Mr. H became an adult baby. Derek leaves the house a lot of the time. Youngest daughter escapes, we see, by playing with her dolls, mostly "Abusive Harpy" Barbie and "Completely Unaccountable Eunuch" Ken. Your parenting skills are useless, Ken! You don't even have the suggestion of a dick under those flesh-colored briefs! Youngest daughter is shown screaming incoherently, while Ken cowers in a corner and edges toward the keys of the Dream Car, and Dominatrix Skipper is sitting shotgun with a bottle of Mad Dog in her lap.

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A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

But get this: due to this contretemps, Mr. H has stopped speaking to the child. For the last year. Which is fine, if all they did were sit and watch TV with their eyes glazed over, not talking to each other, but sometimes, like when Mommy threatens to strangle or choke, family communication is important. Mr. H is, again, a wuss, and a tool and a half. That's so stupid. And of course Mrs. H thinks so, but doesn't do anything about it. "You're his father," she screams nearly incoherently, but perfectly brilliantly, "you don't have the choice of stepping into a role or stepping out." But it's that same nightie-in-nightcam shot, so it's creepy instead of well-said. "I've decided to wash my hands of my son, because it was a protest on my part, to my wife." My italics, so you'll understand how this is where I called the cops on these people. Cut back to Mrs. H, screaming at Mr. H about how the child in question heard "every insulting, belittling thing" that Mr. H said during some fight about his "protest" against his wife. So now by comparison, I don't hate Mrs. H as much, because I only have so much hate, but further, I now hate her husband more than her.

Now it's the kid, who is speaking very forthrightly about how his father thinks he is "a disgrace" and has no "work ethic, or any sort of thing to make him proud." Even though you took your trampoline to State? This kid's pretty cool, talking very journalistically about the incredible abuse he's suffering as though he were just telling us how his day has been. Complete Patty Hearst deadening of the emotions is one thing he can share with Dad, at least. On the bed, Mighty Nightie screams, "Your parenting skills suck, [Kettle]! Get back in the game, and start doing your fucking fatherly shit, or pack your shit and get the fuck out," which is worthwhile, and then Mr. and Mrs. start telling us almost jovially about how abusive she is and how she tried to throw Mr. H down the stairs one time. These people are odious. I hate siding with her, but I imagine it's wearying to have to co-parent with a guy like this. Especially if you're deeply insane yourself. It's an uphill battle.

Cut to the hoss daughter, who's all, "Every once in a while it gets to the point where it scares me," and we cut to Mommy telling Mr. H how she'd love to beat his ass, and I'm like, would that scary point be every morning of your life? "I feel like I need to be in the middle of that fight or something, just to make it stop." What a middle child thing to say. Maybe she became the middle child when Derek became disenfranchised. And Mr. H became an adult baby. Derek leaves the house a lot of the time. Youngest daughter escapes, we see, by playing with her dolls, mostly "Abusive Harpy" Barbie and "Completely Unaccountable Eunuch" Ken. Your parenting skills are useless, Ken! You don't even have the suggestion of a dick under those flesh-colored briefs! Youngest daughter is shown screaming incoherently, while Ken cowers in a corner and edges toward the keys of the Dream Car, and Dominatrix Skipper is sitting shotgun with a bottle of Mad Dog in her lap.

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