MONDO EXTRAS

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

Okay, a little yikes because they're talking all of a sudden about Nicole's sex life. Awesome editing job, there. Nicole says that her parents never talk to her about sex, and then Mrs. H tells a seemingly unrelated anecdote about how Nicole had a boyfriend, and she didn't want them alone together in the house (valid, I guess), but then Mr. H overruled her, and the way that she says this makes me think that's the actual problem, and not the sex or lack of sex. Just the overruling. Mr. H allows as how he's more "liberal" with Nicole, because she's "level-headed," and I'm guessing also because she's the only person in the house with whom he actually communicates at this point. Dr. Phil whips around in his chair so fast at this that he actually falls onto my living room floor, but somehow is no less creepy as he looks directly into my soul and says in a terrifying way, "What you call liberal, I call dangerous." Kind of meta. In fact, I said that to Dennis Kucinich just the other day, we were power lunching on daisies and dewdrops out in the forest and when I said it, all the bunnies and forest creatures got up in my grill about it and some bitch poured beer in my weave. I'm pretty sure it was a Creeping Vole (Microtus oregoni), because those guys don't care about haircare at all. Anyway, everything that we just saw gets put into a video blender and comes shooting out at your face to show how messed up these people are so it's all amazing when Dr. Phil says, "It's time for me to make a house call." If this were a talk show everybody would be all, "Oooooo."

Commercials. In addition to your family being ruined permanently, you probably have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Check your abdomen for weird marker writing. You might also: house-paint, wash dishes, drink coffee, avoid carbs, love your family, hate having hot flashes, have tension headaches but are realistic enough to know that nothing will take away your tension, just your tension headache, and/or give a fuck about CSI:NY or Survivor: Vanuatu. And yeah, I do drink coffee. So I belong here.

Dr. Phil tells us that he's not "big" into house calls, and then stands there telling us again what assholes these people are. The ironic thing is that he's doing it outside their house, which tells us this same thing more eloquently than they or Dr. Phil ever could. More video blender of regrets and abuses and blah blah. Dr. Phil sits down one-on-one with Mrs. H, making him the Clin Psych equivalent of Steve Irwin, and she leads him into such tangled undergrowths of usage and subject-verb agreement that I can only barely tell you what's being said: he asks her if her family is fucked up and she says yes. He asks her if her family is mostly fucked up and she says yes. He asks her if her family is totally fucked up and she says yes. He asks her if it's her fault and she kicks whoever is closest. Phil asks what Dad has done to "contaminate" the situation, and Daddy winces like for a second he thinks Dr. Phil's talking about that slight case of chlamydia he brought home back when they lived closer to the rest area on the interstate. He says then that it's a good question and he never thought of it that way before. Dr. Phil is on him like immediately, all, "That's interesting that you say that." What he means is, it never once crossed your mind that this is a single-parent family, and that single parent is not you but the crazy woman you joined in holy mulletrimony all those years ago?

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27Next

Comments

A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First

Okay, a little yikes because they're talking all of a sudden about Nicole's sex life. Awesome editing job, there. Nicole says that her parents never talk to her about sex, and then Mrs. H tells a seemingly unrelated anecdote about how Nicole had a boyfriend, and she didn't want them alone together in the house (valid, I guess), but then Mr. H overruled her, and the way that she says this makes me think that's the actual problem, and not the sex or lack of sex. Just the overruling. Mr. H allows as how he's more "liberal" with Nicole, because she's "level-headed," and I'm guessing also because she's the only person in the house with whom he actually communicates at this point. Dr. Phil whips around in his chair so fast at this that he actually falls onto my living room floor, but somehow is no less creepy as he looks directly into my soul and says in a terrifying way, "What you call liberal, I call dangerous." Kind of meta. In fact, I said that to Dennis Kucinich just the other day, we were power lunching on daisies and dewdrops out in the forest and when I said it, all the bunnies and forest creatures got up in my grill about it and some bitch poured beer in my weave. I'm pretty sure it was a Creeping Vole (Microtus oregoni), because those guys don't care about haircare at all. Anyway, everything that we just saw gets put into a video blender and comes shooting out at your face to show how messed up these people are so it's all amazing when Dr. Phil says, "It's time for me to make a house call." If this were a talk show everybody would be all, "Oooooo."

Commercials. In addition to your family being ruined permanently, you probably have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Check your abdomen for weird marker writing. You might also: house-paint, wash dishes, drink coffee, avoid carbs, love your family, hate having hot flashes, have tension headaches but are realistic enough to know that nothing will take away your tension, just your tension headache, and/or give a fuck about CSI:NY or Survivor: Vanuatu. And yeah, I do drink coffee. So I belong here.

Dr. Phil tells us that he's not "big" into house calls, and then stands there telling us again what assholes these people are. The ironic thing is that he's doing it outside their house, which tells us this same thing more eloquently than they or Dr. Phil ever could. More video blender of regrets and abuses and blah blah. Dr. Phil sits down one-on-one with Mrs. H, making him the Clin Psych equivalent of Steve Irwin, and she leads him into such tangled undergrowths of usage and subject-verb agreement that I can only barely tell you what's being said: he asks her if her family is fucked up and she says yes. He asks her if her family is mostly fucked up and she says yes. He asks her if her family is totally fucked up and she says yes. He asks her if it's her fault and she kicks whoever is closest. Phil asks what Dad has done to "contaminate" the situation, and Daddy winces like for a second he thinks Dr. Phil's talking about that slight case of chlamydia he brought home back when they lived closer to the rest area on the interstate. He says then that it's a good question and he never thought of it that way before. Dr. Phil is on him like immediately, all, "That's interesting that you say that." What he means is, it never once crossed your mind that this is a single-parent family, and that single parent is not you but the crazy woman you joined in holy mulletrimony all those years ago?

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27Next

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP