MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

So she stares into space and asks the guy about his New Year's Eve. Back in the van, Phil pretends to shock her with paddles. Hilarious! "Where do you…get your wines?" Which seems gay, but it is in fact what people like this talk about, if you've never hung out with people like this. It's cool, and it's cute, and it's a good icebreaker for them. Along with, like, "What places do you like to take people to dinner?" and "How much did you love Sideways?"

Which, not for nothing, but I had lunch last week with some high school friends and we talked about all these things, because my friends are terribly successful (while I am a freelance writer), and I caused a giggle when I explained that I would never, under any circumstances, take part in Sideways, Alicia Keys, Norah Jones, or anything with Michael Chiklis in it, ever. Because, like, give it a rest already. "But you're screwing yourself over because it's so…" Fuck it. I don't care. They talked me out of liking it. You watch Buffy, I'll watch Sideways. Deal? "No, that's about some bullshit magical…" Yeah, and Sideways is about me and my alcoholism, only cute and well-written. "But Sandra Oh, though." Good point. Call me in a year and maybe I'll have chilled out. ["It's this year's Lost in Translation -- it's good, but it's overrated. Except Sandra Oh, who is rad." -- Sars]

So the guy compliments this ring she's wearing, proving he's following some other stupid rulebook, and she goes -- it's awesome -- "Found it. Liked it. Bought it." It's robotic and cool, but that's all there is. She doesn't drop the steel face at all. Hardly smiles. Just tells the facts and that's that. She's given him the information and that's all that matters, to her, because she's kind of a computer robot lady. Phil then imitates her saying it, and it's not cool at all. For either of them. Certainly not for me. She laughs, but kind of fakely, and reiterates that she was "comfortable with him." I imagine that's true, insofar as she herself personally understands the concept of what it is to be "comfortable."

Guy asks her how she spends her weekends. This is already going down in flames and then she says, "Random." That's it. The cameras keep cutting to her face in the van, so very horrified by her own behavior. Then the guy all, "Uh, she's totally not into me."

Phil's like, "See what is going on?" She's like, "Yeah, I had no idea." What are they talking about? She's not fun! What's the big deal? Boring people have sex all the time. I'm speaking from experience here, having facilitated just this thing numerous times in the past.

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

So she stares into space and asks the guy about his New Year's Eve. Back in the van, Phil pretends to shock her with paddles. Hilarious! "Where do you…get your wines?" Which seems gay, but it is in fact what people like this talk about, if you've never hung out with people like this. It's cool, and it's cute, and it's a good icebreaker for them. Along with, like, "What places do you like to take people to dinner?" and "How much did you love Sideways?"

Which, not for nothing, but I had lunch last week with some high school friends and we talked about all these things, because my friends are terribly successful (while I am a freelance writer), and I caused a giggle when I explained that I would never, under any circumstances, take part in Sideways, Alicia Keys, Norah Jones, or anything with Michael Chiklis in it, ever. Because, like, give it a rest already. "But you're screwing yourself over because it's so…" Fuck it. I don't care. They talked me out of liking it. You watch Buffy, I'll watch Sideways. Deal? "No, that's about some bullshit magical…" Yeah, and Sideways is about me and my alcoholism, only cute and well-written. "But Sandra Oh, though." Good point. Call me in a year and maybe I'll have chilled out. ["It's this year's Lost in Translation -- it's good, but it's overrated. Except Sandra Oh, who is rad." -- Sars]

So the guy compliments this ring she's wearing, proving he's following some other stupid rulebook, and she goes -- it's awesome -- "Found it. Liked it. Bought it." It's robotic and cool, but that's all there is. She doesn't drop the steel face at all. Hardly smiles. Just tells the facts and that's that. She's given him the information and that's all that matters, to her, because she's kind of a computer robot lady. Phil then imitates her saying it, and it's not cool at all. For either of them. Certainly not for me. She laughs, but kind of fakely, and reiterates that she was "comfortable with him." I imagine that's true, insofar as she herself personally understands the concept of what it is to be "comfortable."

Guy asks her how she spends her weekends. This is already going down in flames and then she says, "Random." That's it. The cameras keep cutting to her face in the van, so very horrified by her own behavior. Then the guy all, "Uh, she's totally not into me."

Phil's like, "See what is going on?" She's like, "Yeah, I had no idea." What are they talking about? She's not fun! What's the big deal? Boring people have sex all the time. I'm speaking from experience here, having facilitated just this thing numerous times in the past.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33Next

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