MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

Then there's footage of some girls doing the Tangerine's. That's this place here in Austin where the gals get together in clothes 2.5 years too young and say they're just going to hang out together, no boys allowed, and then grind on each other for the benefit of every guy in the joint, and it's painful to watch, but also awesome, because they're super-fun and cool when they're like that. Holding their martinis up above their heads like cigarettes, pinkie out. Moving their hips like they saw on TV. Visions of spreadsheets dancing in their heads. Laughing across the dance floor at each other as they are thigh-humped by men with toupees. They are beautiful but they think they're doomed.

So he points to this one girl in the frame that's dancing, and it's a NFL-type touchscreen, so he Xes over her abdomen, and then another girl, X over the tummy, and finally Spinstress, X over the tummy, and it's just like Lorenzo Lamas on Are You Hot? -- I mean to say that's exactly what it's like. Then, he circles a random in the background and he's like, "You've just absolutely turned your back on him." Which is true, but only because she's got the one back, and the one front, and it's gotta be facing somebody. Even she is a little WTF, all, "It appears so," because the other option is to just dance and gyrate directly towards the one random guy in the picture. Which it would seem is what Phil wants her to do. He does, actually.

Then he compares for her a picture of herself smiling, and a picture of her on the awful date. It's pretty dismal, yeah. But not exactly mortifying.

Mortifying: Dr. Phil has given a group of n single guys these electronic voting devices, and set them down in front of a huge video screen of the date. And I almost died, and she almost dies, but she's pretty game for it, because, you know, you pays your money, you takes your chances.

So date guy asks if she's ever lived anywhere else (besides Chicago, I think?) and she nods and mm-hmms brightly several times. And that's it. Classified? One of the single male voters goes, "Um, where?" The vote graph falls off tremendously as, in the van, she smiles.

"Do you like the beach? Do you bike?" He grasps at straws and she stares at him like he just asked about Deleuze and Guattari, or like Sex Contracts or something. What is this "bike" you speak of? I bike sometimes, I think. When I am the drunk. The single guys are grossed out because if life and women were the cliché they're supposed to be, this is where she's supposed to giggle and say, "I love exercise, and to be active. Tennis, anyone?" One guy gets kind of intense. "It's like pulling my teeth to get one answer out of this girl!" Oh, and there are awful bomb-whistle sound effects the whole time, by the way.

Another single guy bitches that she'd "roll her eyes" when the dude wasn't looking. It's true, there's footage, but I think that's awesome because she was lying right to Dr. Phil about being into this guy in the first place. "Duh, how do you spend your weekends?" Heh. Then all the guys talk about her horrid body language. The basic thing here is that they're saying what they've been paid money to say, which is anything that furthers Phil's agenda, which is that Jen is a horrible girl who should be stopped from doing what she naturally does. She's "closed off" and "aloof" and a bitch, instead of the truth, which is, still: she's just weird.

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

Then there's footage of some girls doing the Tangerine's. That's this place here in Austin where the gals get together in clothes 2.5 years too young and say they're just going to hang out together, no boys allowed, and then grind on each other for the benefit of every guy in the joint, and it's painful to watch, but also awesome, because they're super-fun and cool when they're like that. Holding their martinis up above their heads like cigarettes, pinkie out. Moving their hips like they saw on TV. Visions of spreadsheets dancing in their heads. Laughing across the dance floor at each other as they are thigh-humped by men with toupees. They are beautiful but they think they're doomed.

So he points to this one girl in the frame that's dancing, and it's a NFL-type touchscreen, so he Xes over her abdomen, and then another girl, X over the tummy, and finally Spinstress, X over the tummy, and it's just like Lorenzo Lamas on Are You Hot? -- I mean to say that's exactly what it's like. Then, he circles a random in the background and he's like, "You've just absolutely turned your back on him." Which is true, but only because she's got the one back, and the one front, and it's gotta be facing somebody. Even she is a little WTF, all, "It appears so," because the other option is to just dance and gyrate directly towards the one random guy in the picture. Which it would seem is what Phil wants her to do. He does, actually.

Then he compares for her a picture of herself smiling, and a picture of her on the awful date. It's pretty dismal, yeah. But not exactly mortifying.

Mortifying: Dr. Phil has given a group of n single guys these electronic voting devices, and set them down in front of a huge video screen of the date. And I almost died, and she almost dies, but she's pretty game for it, because, you know, you pays your money, you takes your chances.

So date guy asks if she's ever lived anywhere else (besides Chicago, I think?) and she nods and mm-hmms brightly several times. And that's it. Classified? One of the single male voters goes, "Um, where?" The vote graph falls off tremendously as, in the van, she smiles.

"Do you like the beach? Do you bike?" He grasps at straws and she stares at him like he just asked about Deleuze and Guattari, or like Sex Contracts or something. What is this "bike" you speak of? I bike sometimes, I think. When I am the drunk. The single guys are grossed out because if life and women were the cliché they're supposed to be, this is where she's supposed to giggle and say, "I love exercise, and to be active. Tennis, anyone?" One guy gets kind of intense. "It's like pulling my teeth to get one answer out of this girl!" Oh, and there are awful bomb-whistle sound effects the whole time, by the way.

Another single guy bitches that she'd "roll her eyes" when the dude wasn't looking. It's true, there's footage, but I think that's awesome because she was lying right to Dr. Phil about being into this guy in the first place. "Duh, how do you spend your weekends?" Heh. Then all the guys talk about her horrid body language. The basic thing here is that they're saying what they've been paid money to say, which is anything that furthers Phil's agenda, which is that Jen is a horrible girl who should be stopped from doing what she naturally does. She's "closed off" and "aloof" and a bitch, instead of the truth, which is, still: she's just weird.

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