MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

"What's the worst that could happen?" Um, the worst that could happen is that she totally gets into a relationship with the wrong guy, because you've convinced her she's not a real woman unless she puts those brass monkey balls in the china cabinet where they belong and let a man "lighten her up," so she ends up with a guy who says he's cool with successful women but really wants some kind of Project Management geisha doll. But no, somehow the power of editing, in which I do not believe (see below) normally, causes her to say in response to this, "I guess I feel that if I take the risk, that it might not work out." Which is true of every goddamn person, male or female, gay or straight, in this entire universe! Because you're right to fucking feel that way! Guess what, baby. It might not "work out." Grow a pair. And then I need you to stay up in that tower 'til you learn to let that hair down far enough to climb outside.

Um, Dr. Phil takes a somewhat different route: "So you're playing the game with sweaty palms." (Note: this is not a phrase. I'm even from Texas, so believe me. It makes sense, but it's not colloquial anywhere on earth.) "…Just like when you said about not getting your hopes up. Because if you give somebody the power to control your heart, then you're giving up some control, aren't you?" Yes, you are. And don't ever refer to my boyfriend as having the "power to control my heart," motherfucker. Find another way to express yourself. "And you're all about control," he says. All about control? Sure. I sometimes go into dates thinking there's a possibility they won't work out. This helps me not to act clingy and weird and codependent, having just met the guy. "I guess so," she says, which is kind of the opposite. Then he yells at her to GIVE GUYS A CHANCE!

This is amazing, how out of love with Dr. Phil I am so quickly falling. "I want to help you. Do you know when your next date is? It's in about five minutes." She laughs and is mortified, because it's horrible and funny. I would even be like, "Fucker. I'm in." Because that is crazy and fun and kind of awful. But then he ruins it, saying that thing I hate about him: "I don't trust your instincts." Line? Crossed.

She's mortified some more, but I don't think she should be. He thinks he's your dad. He thinks he's everybody's dad. Everybody loved Oprah and she was the mom of America (this is true, and in fact somebody said this last week on Oprah and I cried) but so, just like Madonna kissing Britney, she handed over some of the parenting of the entire fucking world to Dr. Phil, and like The Greatest American Hero, he uses this power but knows not what he wields, and implies his total fucking awesomeness with every step he takes.

Did you ever read that story "Use of Force" by William Carlos Williams? I don't like William Carlos Williams, but I sure do like that story. It makes you feel awful. Me telling you to read it is like if I drank milk and we were in my kitchen and I handed you the milk and I said, "Taste this." Anyway, this is just like that. Taste this recap.

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

"What's the worst that could happen?" Um, the worst that could happen is that she totally gets into a relationship with the wrong guy, because you've convinced her she's not a real woman unless she puts those brass monkey balls in the china cabinet where they belong and let a man "lighten her up," so she ends up with a guy who says he's cool with successful women but really wants some kind of Project Management geisha doll. But no, somehow the power of editing, in which I do not believe (see below) normally, causes her to say in response to this, "I guess I feel that if I take the risk, that it might not work out." Which is true of every goddamn person, male or female, gay or straight, in this entire universe! Because you're right to fucking feel that way! Guess what, baby. It might not "work out." Grow a pair. And then I need you to stay up in that tower 'til you learn to let that hair down far enough to climb outside.

Um, Dr. Phil takes a somewhat different route: "So you're playing the game with sweaty palms." (Note: this is not a phrase. I'm even from Texas, so believe me. It makes sense, but it's not colloquial anywhere on earth.) "…Just like when you said about not getting your hopes up. Because if you give somebody the power to control your heart, then you're giving up some control, aren't you?" Yes, you are. And don't ever refer to my boyfriend as having the "power to control my heart," motherfucker. Find another way to express yourself. "And you're all about control," he says. All about control? Sure. I sometimes go into dates thinking there's a possibility they won't work out. This helps me not to act clingy and weird and codependent, having just met the guy. "I guess so," she says, which is kind of the opposite. Then he yells at her to GIVE GUYS A CHANCE!

This is amazing, how out of love with Dr. Phil I am so quickly falling. "I want to help you. Do you know when your next date is? It's in about five minutes." She laughs and is mortified, because it's horrible and funny. I would even be like, "Fucker. I'm in." Because that is crazy and fun and kind of awful. But then he ruins it, saying that thing I hate about him: "I don't trust your instincts." Line? Crossed.

She's mortified some more, but I don't think she should be. He thinks he's your dad. He thinks he's everybody's dad. Everybody loved Oprah and she was the mom of America (this is true, and in fact somebody said this last week on Oprah and I cried) but so, just like Madonna kissing Britney, she handed over some of the parenting of the entire fucking world to Dr. Phil, and like The Greatest American Hero, he uses this power but knows not what he wields, and implies his total fucking awesomeness with every step he takes.

Did you ever read that story "Use of Force" by William Carlos Williams? I don't like William Carlos Williams, but I sure do like that story. It makes you feel awful. Me telling you to read it is like if I drank milk and we were in my kitchen and I handed you the milk and I said, "Taste this." Anyway, this is just like that. Taste this recap.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33Next

Comments

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