MONDO EXTRAS

Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

"DID I DO THAT? YES. IS THAT PART OF MY TRUE CHARACTER? NO." No, it's completely shocking to him. So unreal. Which is what I would say if I were him, because I am not a sicko. "I can't tell you that…" and Victoria now interrupts. Watch for that: Every time she sees him heading into an area where he's about to say, "It's what the bitch was asking for and she's asking for it right now, man, I'd fucking kill her if I could," she totally interrupts him, and because this is Dr. Phil, she ends up looking like an asshole for interrupting her man. Instead of, well, an asshole for handing over her own ass for beating.

"We definitely learned about ourselves," she says. Yeah, we learned about your asses too. Phil kind of agrees.

Then Victoria goes to a place where she's asking not only for her alleged abuse at the hands of her husband, but also in a begging way for our own: "I always say if you can see yourself at your worst, then you can know how you could be at your best." No, no, no. That's made up specifically by reality TV people. The fact is, if you know yourself at all, you already know yourself at your worst. Also, there is no connection between how you are at "your worst" and how you "could be" at your best. Could you please not write your bullshit self a hall pass to be "your worst" until the very second that things get perfect and awesome, at which point like a wonderful jackpot prize you get to be who you are "at your best," and how one of these days, you'll get to be that you. As soon as nothing bad ever happens, nobody ever calls you an asshole, and everything is perfect and quiet and still. And there's a billion dollars, did I mention those? You can really be your best with a whole bunch of money. It's like a magical vacuum that sucks away all your bullshit issues. Thank God for money. It makes you wonderful.

"So it was really the great learning experience for the both of us," one or the other of them says. I can't tell the difference between them because they're part of one machine that only cares about justifying its internal fucked-up relationship. Phil talks about how they were "very nervous about this interview…that it could destroy you." Heh. That's so reality TV star. It could destroy me! while everybody is trying to remember who you are. "What are you afraid is going to come out here?" and you know he's hoping against hope that they're going to be all, "We have a baby and it's black and neither of us know why!" or something awesome.

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Boys Don't Make Passes At Total Lame-Asses

by Jacob Clifton February 22, 2005
A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Romance Rescue

"DID I DO THAT? YES. IS THAT PART OF MY TRUE CHARACTER? NO." No, it's completely shocking to him. So unreal. Which is what I would say if I were him, because I am not a sicko. "I can't tell you that…" and Victoria now interrupts. Watch for that: Every time she sees him heading into an area where he's about to say, "It's what the bitch was asking for and she's asking for it right now, man, I'd fucking kill her if I could," she totally interrupts him, and because this is Dr. Phil, she ends up looking like an asshole for interrupting her man. Instead of, well, an asshole for handing over her own ass for beating.

"We definitely learned about ourselves," she says. Yeah, we learned about your asses too. Phil kind of agrees.

Then Victoria goes to a place where she's asking not only for her alleged abuse at the hands of her husband, but also in a begging way for our own: "I always say if you can see yourself at your worst, then you can know how you could be at your best." No, no, no. That's made up specifically by reality TV people. The fact is, if you know yourself at all, you already know yourself at your worst. Also, there is no connection between how you are at "your worst" and how you "could be" at your best. Could you please not write your bullshit self a hall pass to be "your worst" until the very second that things get perfect and awesome, at which point like a wonderful jackpot prize you get to be who you are "at your best," and how one of these days, you'll get to be that you. As soon as nothing bad ever happens, nobody ever calls you an asshole, and everything is perfect and quiet and still. And there's a billion dollars, did I mention those? You can really be your best with a whole bunch of money. It's like a magical vacuum that sucks away all your bullshit issues. Thank God for money. It makes you wonderful.

"So it was really the great learning experience for the both of us," one or the other of them says. I can't tell the difference between them because they're part of one machine that only cares about justifying its internal fucked-up relationship. Phil talks about how they were "very nervous about this interview…that it could destroy you." Heh. That's so reality TV star. It could destroy me! while everybody is trying to remember who you are. "What are you afraid is going to come out here?" and you know he's hoping against hope that they're going to be all, "We have a baby and it's black and neither of us know why!" or something awesome.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33Next

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